A Girl's Prerogative

I've been around the block a few times as an out and proud lesbian for 18 years. I'm certainly not the naive baby dyke just come out and discovering all the complexities that are par the course when dating women. So I think I'm a pretty accurate judge at knowing when a woman fancies me and is flirting, when her body language tells me we share the same sizzling thoughts and desire to get to know each other more.

This was the case last week when I rocked up at the lesbian local to be warmly greeted with a big smile on the woman I'd already shared a coffee with in the week. Friends abandoned, we drew up chairs at the bar and immediately got chatting. The rest of the world dissolved away.

What seemed like minutes, ended up a few hours and the night is coming to a close. She gives me a long kiss on the lips before saying her farewell and heads for the door. A text arrives minutes later,

'was gr8 seeing u 2nite, c u in the wk yeah?x'

I go home to have excited and pleasant dreams of what might be to come when I next see her.

Like a cold shower, a text the next day reminds me that a girl's prerogative is to change her mind and that women truly are complicated beings from planet Venus. Even as a girl who does girls I cannot always understand their ways and pity the men of this world who must be even more at a loss.

'I shouldn't have kissed u last nite. I just wanted a friend and that was my intention from the start. Sorry if i gave u the wrong impression.'

My disappointment and confusion leave me seeking out friends for support and advice on the matter. We're all perplexed.

With the lesbian world seemingly as small as a pebble in the Grand Canyon of life, I can only wonder if the two degree's of separation that as a lesbian you are constantly at the mercy of, means she's heard something. For one thing, lesbians like to interfere and ALWAYS have an opinion to share, whether it be first hand experience, rumour or rooted in their strong sense of loyalty to someone, about the girl you're interested in.

Like a horse bolting from the stables, as quick as she had arrived in my life, she was gone from it. I've tried to contact her but to no avail and have since conceded before I get a reputation as a psycho stalker.

A mate offers me her words of wisdom to console me, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" When it comes to a girl's prerogative for changing her mind, I think she might just be right.

Relationship On The First Date

Normally, when two people like each other they'll date for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. If all continues well those two people decide to commit to each other and it becomes a relationship, if that's what both want. That's how it seems to work anyway, in the straight world.

Lesbians on the other hand, seem uninterested in the dating part. They meet someone, connect, shag and are immediately into a relationship. It's only a matter of days if not hours before marriage, babies and nest building are discussed followed by the removal van as they move in together with the excuse of, 'why pay two rents when I'm practically here all the time anyway!' There's truth in the classic joke 'what does a lesbian bring on the second date?' (A: a removal van!). I could even attempt to create my own lesbian joke here: 'What do lesbians do on a first date?' (A: Nothing because they're already in a relationship!)

The love of their life last week that had them in the depths of despair and requiring 24 hour care from their friends has been all forgotten, as they embark on a a new fairy tale future of happy ever after.

Put single gay girls together in a room and it will only take the evening before they're coupled up. So it was only natural that at my house party of gay girls, my two single mates found a kindred spirit in one another. That was on the Saturday night. Six days later I receive a text,

'Have been kidnapped. R u ok? Love frm us xx'

It wasn't the kidnapping part that had me reaching for the sick bucket but the sentiment at the end like they no longer saw themselves as individuals, my two friends now an 'us' doing everything together and inseparable.

Later that evening they pop over to see me. They're clearly besotted and all loved up following happy days spent together. They cuddle up on the sofa as if superglued with an inability to keep hands and lips apart. I'm happy they're happy but find it rude and uncomfortable. I have never understood why lesbians suffer 'lesbian bed death' when at home whilst isolate themselves in front of friends and in public by being all over each other that you want to yell 'get a room will you!'

It's as if there's a subconscious need to prove something to those around them about their relationship and love for each other. They want you to feel included in their newly discovered happiness but instead you now feel like their 'third-wheel' when just a few days ago you were their equal. My mood is more akin to that of Ebenezer Scrooge with his despise of Christmas.

The other thing that happens is they now feel the need to baby-sit you as their 'sad and lonely' single mate. Another text arrives,

'Morning, we're going to have a fun day together all three of us :)'

As if that's not bad enough, they also now think they are in a position to analyse why you're not in the same wonderful circumstance as them. They try and deconstruct why you don't want a relationship, the damage caused by your ex(es), what your casual flings are not giving you and why you engage in one night stands. Fundamentally, why you don't want what they now have like it's incomprehensible and there is something wrong with you, when seven days ago they were in the same position!

I'm happy to take things slow, one date at a time, let the fuse burn slow rather than have a typical 'slash-and-burn' relationship that lesbians so commonly seem to engage in and where friends feel forgotten.

Relationships are not something you feel like celebrating in the lesbian world. When your mates hook up you lose friends to not see them again for potentially years when it's all over. They change as they lose their individuality and always come as a pair. The fun times you had are gone as marital bliss dominates initially followed by routine that dictates in the latter times.

In the beginning you make an effort to see them and keep contact, but then you just accept that they are in a different space now, and seek out new single mates and so the cycle continues.

Let Us Not Be Complacent & Invisible

As anyone who knows me knows, the two things that really get me ranting to anyone that will listen is ‘apathy’ and ‘subtle homo/trans/bi-phobia’ in society. I have spoken in previous posts about how both are dangerous. My friends will happily tell me I’m being OTT, shrug their shoulders and tell me to lighten up when I get on my soap box about how we in Brighton & Hove are wrong to be so complacent just because there’s greater acceptance of LGBT in our city ‘bubble’ here.

The 17^th May was International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia (IDAHOBIT).  Here in Brighton an event was organised and a small group of people showed up to mark this annual day of awareness. If estimated statistics are correct, the 20,000 LGBT residents of Brighton & Hove that day were predominantly invisible.  Apathy was prevailing and our city bubble mentality preventing many from feeling the need to make any noise.

It was therefore quite fitting and coincidental that the speakers at the Brighton IDAHOBIT event all spoke about ‘invisibleness’.

Camel Gupta from Brighton Bothways & Queers of Colour Brighton, spoke about how, “Biphobia is often the thing that happens in these communities that gets ignored. (I’ve started a new group for) people of colour who are LGBT and queer and in three months our membership is in double figures.  It’s important to include the things that get missed”.

Nick Douglas, Founder of F2M Brighton and LGBT Health Involvement Project (HIP) Coordinator, spoke about “What we know about discrimination and hated against LGBT people is that it is often rooted in invisibility. When it comes to standing up against discrimination against LGBT people we as trans men are not invisible and we are not silent. The T in LGBT is not silent”.

Sheila McWattie of the Brighton Women’s Centre spoke about how, “We’ve been very involved in...  just making some noise and getting out there and making ourselves visible. So the message I’d like to give to you is if you’re part of a group or want to start a group, there’s plenty of scope... for you starting something new, joining forces and bringing a new face to what is an old ancient problem that shouldn’t be there anymore”.

Jan Baxter from Public & Commercial Services Union (PCS), said about how “As we become more confident in ourselves with equality laws in place... it’s important that as LGBT people we don’t pull the drawbridge up behind us... I don’t want us to ever do the worst thing possible; we face a lot of threats from stupid people. The important thing is that we are our own biggest enemy because complacency is the thing that threatens us not the threat without”.

Last year from April 2010 to March 2011, there were 69 LGBT hate crimes within Brighton & Hove and 3 LGBT hate incidents including that of my friend who was beaten up on Steine Street (by the Aquarium Bar) off St James Street in Brighton's gay village, in broad daylight for being gay.

Beaten up for being gay in Brighton

LGBT Hate Crime exists in Brighton & Hove

Let ‘us’ not be our biggest enemy. 72 LGBT hate crimes and incidents within our ‘Brighton bubble’ in one year is reason enough to for us to not become invisible through complacency, a shrug of our shoulders and a misguided belief that ‘it doesn’t effect me’. 

I will certainly continue to voice against ‘apathy’ and ‘subtle homo/trans/bi-phobia’ in society that is here in Brighton & Hove as well as nationally, and dangerous. I just hope that you will be listening.

The Appeal of the Internet When Lesbian Dating

A friend of mine wants to organise a blind date for me with a girl who’s a friend of a friend. "How do I know I won’t know her?" I ask, panicked that should I agree I’ll turn up to discover it’ll be someone I recognise as a regular from the local dyke bar and embarrass myself.

Go out regularly and whilst The Scene is large enough that you haven’t introduced yourself to everyone, it’s still small enough to see the same familiar faces again and again. As a result you’ve already pigeon holed those faces into groups: those you’re friends with, past friends (often who abandoned you during your split with your now ex), past girlfriends, acquaintances and those you’re just not interested in either way. 

When you do see someone new, chances are she’s either from out of town, recently divorced or decided to come out of whatever cave lesbians seem to reside in for 11 months of a year for her annual pilgrimage onto The Scene – and probably to meet up with an internet date! 

It wasn’t that long ago that I decided to give internet dating a go. I’d never been that bothered but then I hit that suffocating wall when it feels like every lesbian about town knows your case history of who you’ve fucked and when. Feeling the need for a change of scene from the physical one I finally decided to set up a profile as ‘candy-eyes’. 

There’s no denying that technology has made life much easier for us lesbians. Either because it’s saved some from being in the sexual desert if you’re the type for whom your natural disposition is to stay at home with the cats and latest episode of ‘EastEnders’. Or like me, you’ve been unlucky in love and desperate for some fresh meat not normally found in your usual haunts and already ‘friends’ with everyone you know including your ex’s. 

But I digress. I’m given the name of my blind date (organised by my straight friends I might add!) to reassure me, because I’m flatly refusing to meet her otherwise. I breathe a sigh of relief as not only do I not recognise the name, but after asking around neither do others; a good sign, uncomplicated. It’s refreshing to be able to meet with a girl that's not yet part of your L-Word chart and away from prying eyes. 

Of course I look my ‘blind date’ up online – I refrain from googling her like a stalker but do find her on Facebook. First impression is she’s not really my type, but there’s something about her that make’s me interested enough to go through with this, expand my horizon! I invite her to be my ‘friend’ so I can peruse her profile and maybe have an IM chat first. 

I rather like this; happily joining the ranks of all those stay at home lesbians bored and fatigued by the complicated lesbian networks that operate on The Scene which have to be navigated and negotiated through. Yes, there is indeed a certain appeal to just opening my browser to the plathora of woman I wouldn't have contact with otherwise. 

But when ‘brazenness’ is practically my middle name, I admit, I still prefer face to face contact when out on the pull. Now what I need is for a lesbian Grindr to be launched!