It was with sad news that I read this week about the Pink Paper closing. I’ve read and followed the gay newspaper for many years from when it was in print form and my regular reading material whilst I had a pint at the local gay pub. Then it became an online paper which I continued to follow on Facebook.
The last 12 months have seen a number of LGBT services, establishments and charities close or fight for survival, many that have existed for decades. Examples off the top of my head are First Out Cafe and Gay’s The Word bookshop in Soho, the Candy Bar and OUT! bookstore in Brighton, we’ve seen Prides struggle across the UK and experienced LGBT charities struggling to continue to remain financially secure; The Rainbow Fund was set up in response to this growing domino collapse of our services in Brighton & Hove.
So what’s going on?
It’s a sad fact that as LGBT individuals the majority of us do not seem to be as loyal to LGBT services, don’t seem to care in fact if they exist at all and general apathy prevails. May be, it’s because we fail to see the value of these services if we are not using them ourselves and do not know those who are benefiting from them. We can’t even be bothered most of the time to fill in questionnaires and surveys to provide the much needed data that tell grant and statutory funders we even need them. May be you don’t, but may be you will at some stage of your life?
‘The Scene’ equally is not immune. In the 13 years I have lived in Brighton, I have seen venues and club nights come and go or remain in a constant penultimate state. In this blog about my life as a lesbian in Brighton I lament about what I dislike with the lesbian scene and why I decreasingly go out on it, mock it even. The bi and trans community express their unease with the Scene, feeling unwelcome and unsafe from the gay and lesbian community and are forced to seek alternatives. So who are these Scene facilities catering for? Not every lesbian will feel as I do, but there are many who will. Not every bi and trans person feels uncomfortable, but there are many who do.
I refer to Brighton, but this is not just about Brighton, other areas could claim the same domino effect of closure in their LGBT communities and scene.
Is there a new group of LGBT people that are disassociating from the ‘LGBT community’ and why are they? Are the current services offered by LGBT charities and venues, ‘meeting a need’ they presume LGBT people have? But then if those who identify as LGBT are not willing to fill in surveys, how do they find out?
How do we stop the dominoes from falling? Do we need to stop them from falling? Or is it inevitable and just part of the natural cycle of progress and change?
29 Sept 2012
14 Sept 2012
How to get a girlfriend when you're a single lesbian
My gay mate comes over for a cuppa (definitely a sign I’m getting older!) and a catch up.
“I just can’t get enough sex at the moment” he tells me. “I’m on Grindr every night meeting guys and arranging sex. I think I must be making up for all that lost opportunity in my 30s!”
I’m no psychologist, but we’ve known each other for many years. He seems in a contented space, happy with all the ‘fucking’ now going on. He’s 42 by the way and it seems no longer happily single,
“I think I’m ready for a relationship” he explains. We’ve had this conversation before, about how gays and lesbians do things differently when it comes to finding a long term partner. He explains again anyway, just to clarify and presumably justify his burst of sexual activity to me, though neither is necessary.
“I’m ready for a boyfriend and to find a boyfriend I have to fuck lots of boys. That’s how guys work, you fuck first then you discover if you’ve got a connection. If you don’t fuck first, you’ll only ever have a friendship!”
It is true that us girls seem to pursue in a different manner summed up a couple of days later, this time with a lesbian mate (and this time over a pint!)
“So have you heard from …” I enquire wanting to get the updates. Our conversation goes along like the following:
“Oh yes… she’s now seeing her best mate, you remember…and so and so is seeing… that was always on the cards, as they met at that dinner party and got on… and She’s seeing… they met at the women’s choir… and They got together; they’ve been friends for years and then when she broke up with her girlfriend…………………..”
“How did you meet your girlfriend” I ask.
“We were introduced at an event by a mutual friend” my mate replies. “How did you meet your girlfriend” she asks returning the question.
“We were introduced by a mutual friend out one night at a bar” I reply.
It seems that us girls like to the do the fucking part 'after' we've 'friended' our way to a girlfriend. So if you're seeking love, I suggest joining lots of groups and making lots of friends!
“I just can’t get enough sex at the moment” he tells me. “I’m on Grindr every night meeting guys and arranging sex. I think I must be making up for all that lost opportunity in my 30s!”
I’m no psychologist, but we’ve known each other for many years. He seems in a contented space, happy with all the ‘fucking’ now going on. He’s 42 by the way and it seems no longer happily single,
“I think I’m ready for a relationship” he explains. We’ve had this conversation before, about how gays and lesbians do things differently when it comes to finding a long term partner. He explains again anyway, just to clarify and presumably justify his burst of sexual activity to me, though neither is necessary.
“I’m ready for a boyfriend and to find a boyfriend I have to fuck lots of boys. That’s how guys work, you fuck first then you discover if you’ve got a connection. If you don’t fuck first, you’ll only ever have a friendship!”
It is true that us girls seem to pursue in a different manner summed up a couple of days later, this time with a lesbian mate (and this time over a pint!)
“So have you heard from …” I enquire wanting to get the updates. Our conversation goes along like the following:
“Oh yes… she’s now seeing her best mate, you remember…and so and so is seeing… that was always on the cards, as they met at that dinner party and got on… and She’s seeing… they met at the women’s choir… and They got together; they’ve been friends for years and then when she broke up with her girlfriend…………………..”
“How did you meet your girlfriend” I ask.
“We were introduced at an event by a mutual friend” my mate replies. “How did you meet your girlfriend” she asks returning the question.
“We were introduced by a mutual friend out one night at a bar” I reply.
It seems that us girls like to the do the fucking part 'after' we've 'friended' our way to a girlfriend. So if you're seeking love, I suggest joining lots of groups and making lots of friends!
10 Sept 2012
The lesbian relationship cycle explained
I pull off my shelf the well-known book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by psychotherapist Dr M. Scott Peck. Gathering dust for many years its’ been waiting for the day to finally be opened.
I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!
Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.
‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.
Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.
'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.
Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.
I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.
Now it all makes perfect sense.
I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!
Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.
‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.
Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.
'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.
Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.
I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.
Now it all makes perfect sense.
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