Ignoring GGF's brooding mood, I insisted on a trip to Waterstones in town to pick up a baby journal, thinking it was something nice we could fill in together in preparation for our child's arrival. With hindsight it was a very bad idea to do that day and became a rather fruitless and painful excursion.
Inside we headed to the baby section and the overloaded shelf where pretty baby journal's were crammed on. Of course we wanted one that didn't reference "father" or "dad". I had wrongly assumed that the world had modernised but as we pulled off journal after journal, it became clear that same-sex or any sort of alternative family to 'one mum and one dad' was clearly non-existent to these retail providers. And it wasn't just same-sex families blatantly being ignored, but remarried families with step-siblings and step-parents, adopted and fostered families or where extended family members or grandparents were the main carers. I still feel surprised, but am more surprised at my surprise; did I really think the reality of modern life would be represented on this shelf?!
We settle on a journal that makes a single reference to 'dad' that can be easily stickered over, but GGF then quickly sidetracks herself with a different shelf about the neutral topic of food and baby weaning. I start looking at the advice books. Again they all use the word "father" or "dad" in the title, but I find one that seems full of fab advice for the paternal parent (my terminology here that seems to not be used at all in the baby section). I show GGF.
"I'm not the dad, I'm the mum" she grumpily and abruptly informs me, dissing the book I show her and any others I might be inclined to do the same with. "I know" I say, "but the advice is really good inside and it's only a title; the advice is still relevant", I try to rationalise to her. But she's not interested and I'm failing at alleviating the situation.
In fact I feel unable to help as I realise that what GGF is trying to resolve emotionally in herself and what she's worried about is whether she will connect with and love our unborn child when she's not genetically related. Will our child connect with her, and see her as their mum too, knowing that out there, is the other half of their genetics and what's GGF's role versus the donor's role in this relationship? What about society and how that will see her in our family - will she even be acknowledged? I see her battling with these emotions and thoughts, whilst I just feel frustrated at society that it continues to reinforce one family stereotype. It really does feel like there is very little support and advice for the expectant same-sex paternal parent*.
GGF was absolutely right, she was not going to be a "Dad" because she was not going to be emulating being a female version of one. She was going to be a parent in her own right; she just needed to figure out what that was for herself, without society trying to force the "dad' label on her just because it still refuses and cannot acknowledge and comprehend anything else.
*If you know of any good websites, blogs, bloggers, books or organisations sharing experiences for the expectant same-sex paternal parent do mention them in the comments.
** Following this eventful day I am pleased to say that I have since heard about My Amazing Family and Me written and designed by Jesse Toksvig-Stewart (the daughter of broadcaster Sandi Toksvig). Available at: http://www.uglyduckbooks.co.uk
