Donor Conceived Babies: An Acceptance of Normality

For me, using a donor known only by his catalogue number seemed the most right decision for us as a family. We considered other options but always came back to the choice that we went on to make.

Living in Brighton I knew that our family would have an 'acceptance of normality'; that our child would likely know others with same-sex parents and therefore donor conceived as well. 

Attending anti-natal class and baby groups, I have surprisingly found myself the only lesbian couple and lesbian mum respectively. Where once the people I hung out with were mostly gay and childless, the arrival of our baby has changed all that with my time now spent with other mums, the majority of whom, are not gay. 

I can only assume, based on the other lesbian mothers/couples I have met, that with house prices so high in Brighton & Hove they have all moved out to Portslade & Worthing! 

The sun out, wind calm and the temperature high, I head to the beach to meet up with other mums. By coincidence every mum beachside with their baby was conceived using male and female donors.  That shared knowledge connects us and allows us to talk freely about the decisions we made.

I was not expecting to be the "only gay mum in the (Hove) village" but so far have found myself to be. Instead what I have found, due to the average age of childbearing women being late 30's and 40's, is to be surrounded by heterosexual couples/mums with babies also conceived by anonymous donors either because they are still single or because of fertility issues. 

My expectation of 'acceptance of normality' as one of many same-sex couples is completely different to the reality where it is donor conception being widely used by straight couples that provides me that shared experience with others.  

When your path to a family might be different, it seems you become part of the majority. 

I just don't care anymore

'I just don't care anymore' was definitely the running theme of tonight. Whether my friend genuinely meant it or whether it meant anything but, I'm undecided, but leaning toward the latter.

"It's ok being single", I reassure her but it was not going to make a difference to her singleton insecurity; I am after all in a relationship and one that is stable and long-term. I therefore just by my mere presence rub salt in the wound. 

Although my friend was not in a position to recognise it, I could genuinely sympathise. I might not be single but I have had enough relationships that I self label as a CRF (complete relationship failure) to have reached my own 'I just don't care anymore' point in the past. It was only when friends stepped in to help me overcome my appalling record and introduced me to GGF, my CRF trend ended. Otherwise no doubt I'd either be single myself or in another disastrous relationship on the precipice of ending again. 

Singledom feels even harder once you reach your 30s and 40s. Most lesbians are paired up (even in their 20s!), settled and either moving in together, getting engaged, married, a dog, or having a baby. If you're single and not doing these things too it can feel a very lonely place, not least because you've few lesbians to hang out with; they're all at home snuggling up and saving money for the next stage of their relationship! And when you do get the chance you're nearly always the third wheel. Even the fact that here I was out alone, without GGF is unusual in the world of lesbian coupledom.

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton.
Lesbians always come in pairs! 

My "It's ok being single", fell on death ears that wanted to wallow. Of course she did, when all around, you're being reminded of your single status and feel in the minority.  But equally, I see lesbians jumping from one relationship straight into another, scared of being single, lugging their emotional baggage with them and never really knowing themselves outside of a relationship. 

"It's ok being single".

My former boss once commented to me, “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”. 
Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable. 

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given. I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from any other causes. 

Relationships are complicated by being emotional rollercoaters

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence. 

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

"It's ok being single".