Where and What is the Lesbian Moral Code with Exes?

I recently discovered that two of my exes are sleeping together. I’d sadly had a crystal ball about it from when I first introduced them to each other and they seemed to get along a ‘bit too well’. With an ex that would rather chat with your girlfriend than you, the inevitable was blatantly obvious the moment my relationship ended.

Posting a status update to friends on Facebook about my distress at this news, it became evident that I was not the only one to have experienced this situation of ex-partners getting it on.

Staying friends with your ex(es) is distinctive and unique to lesbian relationships. In Partners to Best Friends: Being Friends with your Ex-girlfriend, I questioned whether this was healthy, some of the reasons why we endeavour to remain friends, but the pitfalls which range from never truly letting go, sabotage of a new relationship and in this case, where you have introduced your latest girlfriend to your future replacement.

For as I had pointed out to me, your ex-girlfriends will all have similar traits, values and interests as that’s what attracted you to them in the first place.  The fact they have both been your partner also gives them a shared reference on which to connect. They equally both might still hold bitterness and resentment against you. Is it no wonder then, they end up in bed together and may even end up in a relationship?  At least, I tell myself, they waited until our relationship was over, though this offers little conciliation.

My public announcement to friends drew responses of sympathy and disbelief with friends reminding me that they have the ‘ex’ tag for good reason, but there was a definite attitude from others that in the pursuit of sex and love, our lesbian world is a small one and anyone is up for grabs, with one friend telling me that, “theoretically they’ve done nothing wrong”.

Whilst ‘theoretically’ I agree, is our lesbian world really that small, that there exists no moral boundary that cannot be crossed? Clearly here lie the differences of opinion. What is the right moral code for us to live by, when as women loving women we are all so interlinked within our communities?

For me, my feelings on the matter were summed up by one of my friends...