The right way to introduce your ex

Last night was a pretty typical night for me. I bumped into an old friend of mine, we chatted and then my ex turns up behind her - seems they're out together for the night. Stiff pleasantries are exchanged between me and the ex.

A friend I'm out with a few minutes later turns up at my side. I introduce those I'm chatting too.

"This is C.......  an old friend. This is M......., an ex of mine."

My ex turns away with a disapproving snigger.

"What's wrong?" I ask, peeved that within five minutes she's already found something to belittle me over.

"The way you introduced me. It's really funny". She responds with contempt, her sniggers continuing.

"Well, how exactly would you like me to introduce you for future reference?!"

She replies by stating her name.

"But you are my ex and I was putting you into context for my friend. You're not just M....... to me because you're more than that. Saying you're my ex shows that you're more than some random person I've met this evening that I'm introducing"

Clearly my ex thinks differently. But then she holds contempt of me like I'm forever meant to be atoning for something and probably enjoys finding whatever fault she can to pick me apart.

I ask GGF, my flatmate and work colleague for their opinion on the matter. Was I in the wrong I ask?

It seems not. They agree that when introducing those you know to friends, you do invariably put them into context of how you know them including exes, because the next question will always be 'so how do you know each other?'

I think my ex was being way OTT and I will be doing exactly the same again next time.

Remembering Gavin with the Hankie Quilt Project

The Hankie Project is 'a Brighton & Hove based community project created to support those who are living with HIV/AIDS and to remember those we have lost'. The community is invited to be creative and submit a 12” x 12” hankie or panel with the name and a personal message on it as a lasting memory. Groups and business are also invited to submit larger panels which can be added to the Quilt.

The Hankie Quilt carried at Brighton Pride

When I found out about the Hankie Quilt Project, I knew immediately who I would do a panel for. My best friend Gavin. Gavin died on October 4th 2005 aged 29. He had been living with HIV for 8 years. His death was sudden and unexpected, following what was described as a 'routine operation'. He wasn't meant to die, the operation wasn't meant to be life threatening – but 24 hours after surgery and he was no longer alive.

For the last two days I have been cutting and stitching my panel. I chose a sunflower for my panel because in the book of registered deaths at the cemetery where his ashes lay, his mum chose a sunflower for his inscription. I'm not sure of the significance, but know she chose it with purpose, so it felt the most appropriate symbol to represent Gavin on the panel.

Gavin had always struggled with his HIV status. To the outside world Gavin put on a brave face and seemed to just get on with life and it, but internally in his head his status effected him mentally and emotionally and he was ill quite a lot with AIDS related viruses and infections.

At first I wanted to do the panel for Gavin to represent his presence within the Brighton LGBT community attending support and social groups and volunteering for Allsorts Youth Project;  his friendships with many from the community who still live here including me; his presence in Brighton marked by something permanent. But as I stitched over a number of hours I questioned whether he'd appreciate it, realising how much this was for me and my need to remember him – hence I made his name more subtle on the panel than in bold big letters!

His name in letters - a bit more subtle

As I stitched I remembered all the wonderful memories I have of our time together, stuff that's so easy to forget – the things he loved to do, the little things he liked, the things we did together, his personality perfectly described in Allsorts' tribute as ' a softness of character sat alongside a very steely core that would speak up against any form of injustice with a rage and a determination'. I thought about the others he knew who also miss him and the people I don't know from the groups and services he attended that may see the panel and recognise his name. It gave me great joy to do this and lots of tears too.

My finished piece

Gavin wrote two pieces for Blue Deep Sea (2001), an Allsorts Youth Project anthology of young people’s writings. For this he wrote very honestly about how he contracted HIV, included diary entries about the day he found out, wrote about telling his family and friends, his experience of combination therapy treatments and coming to terms with life living with HIV. You can read his writing's about his experience of HIV in the following tribute by Jess Wood on the Allsorts website (page 45 onwards).

The Quilt of panels will be carried through the city by the Bear-Patrol and friends as part of the Pride Parade on September 1st. The Quilt will then go on Exhibition as part of 'Worlds Aids Day' at the Brighton Library on December 2012.

Claustrophobia!

Me and the GGF went on a recent trip to her home city in Germany to coincide with her sister and brother-in-law who were also visiting. Searching for a pub in which to catch up over, the sister's husband suggests the one and only gay bar in the city.

Both me and the GGF responded with a very firm unified 'NO!'

The sister called us snobs and the husband responded with a valid point of "if you don't support the only one you have, you won't get a second!"

Our stance not changing he throws up his hands. "Well, it's your culture!"

My reasons for not wanting to go was simply that it was a venue that for some reason was exempt from the smoking ban and so the thought, as a  non-smoker sitting in a small venue full of chain smokers was quite horrendous.

But increasingly I have withdrawn from 'the scene' here in Brighton with the thought of heading out to the local dyke bar equally as horrendous. For a lesbian this would seem quite normal once you're in a steady relationship except in my case that's not the reason. I simply find it too claustrophobic.

The girls scene is rather like a pack of cards being shuffled for a game of poker, with your entire history constantly surrounding you, reshuffled and shared out just like the cards. Exes and enemies are hooking up together or now sleeping with your best friend or your flatmate or your girlfriend's flatmate whilst everyone tries to keep a poker face whether it's to act all British with a 'stiff upper lip' about it all or simply because lesbians have no moral code and won't accept they're doing anything wrong in their lack of boundaries.

Photo by Alan Cleaver - Flickr

I was recently reading a blog post about getting started in humanitarian aid work as I've wanted to work in International Development since I was young. Love, life and being gay* stopping me. What made me chuckle when reading the post was the question you apparently get asked by aid agencies when starting out -

"What are you running from?"


Well I'm not about to run anywhere just yet... the next hand is yet to be dealt.



*VSO said they couldn't place me overseas when I approached them in 2002 as a lesbian in a relationship as they couldn't guarantee my safety - admittedly they only worked in countries where you faced death by hanging, stoning or correction rape for homosexuality. Apparently they do now send out gay individuals overseas - I hear there's a quite a few in Cambodia!

Raising funds for LGBT charities

Recently I completed my University assignment that assessed the strengths and weaknesses of social media use for not-for-profits (NPOs). One of the key reasons for non-profits using social media is to raise vital funds from individuals using social media platforms such as Facebook.

As we've seen within our own Brighton & Hove LGBT community, many charities have struggled to keep going with increased competition for grant and statutory funding. ThirdSector estimated that charities will lose £2.8 billion in public funding between 2011 and 2016. I personally think this will be particularly noticeable within the LGBT community - just ask any of your friends who they are running, abseiling, swimming for, or some other fundraising challenge and you're unlikely to hear it's for an LGBT organisation.

We've already experienced in the last 12 months MindOut's cashflow crisis whilst they waited on the outcome of grant applications and restructuring away from Mind, thankfully getting a lifeline with Big Lottery Funding. Pride in Brighton & Hove collapsed unable to sustain rising event costs against donations, Sussex Beacon launched an appeal to raise £150,000 to keep its Inpatient Unit open and Switchboard were also on the verge of collapse needing £20,000 for survival. I'm sure there will be others to follow who are currently quietly keeping their fingers crossed for that grant application to be successful.

The Guardian reported that statistics show that for every £1 spent by a charity in online fundraising, £10 is donated by individuals. And while the average offline donation in 2010 was £15, online that jumps to £30. The internet is an incredibly efficient donation tool and social media has a huge role to play in that.

But what particularly caught my interest during research was the following paragraph in a journal article: 'To survive and thrive in this competitive environment, theorists purpose that NPOs (non-profit organisations) should concentrate on maintaining and developing relationships with existing funders... Selecting a group that provides most value to an NPO is therefore crucial.  Many NPOs rely on donations from both individuals and organisations. While both sources of funding are important, the average value of each organisational funder is often suggested to be higher than that of the individual.'

It made me think about local LGBTQ groups in Brighton & Hove who are doing amazing activities to help fund and support our charities, helping them to secure their positions when as individuals we seem to be choosing non-LGBT charities to support - may be because as individuals we have not had direct experience of the services provided by LGBT charities, and do not know those who have. Whilst we may know of someone who has died of cancer or suffered from a condition that we now want to raise funds for research.

When Switchboard announced their funding crisis, groups such as the Brighton Gay Men's Chorus were quick to offer money from ticket sales from their Fringe show 'Guilty Treasures'. Allsorts Youth Project has been supported this year from The Honeybee's Hockey Team with their theatre production 'Honeybee's: The Musical' and the upcoming show this Friday from Actually Gay Women's Chorus are donating ticket sales to Brighton Women's Centre as their chosen charity to support. Pride has been resurrected through a Brighton LGBT business alliance and a number of groups have nominated a specific chosen charity to raise funds for, such as Brighton Lesbian & Gay Sports Society (BLAGSS) have Switchboard as their nominated charity whilst Sussex Beacon are supported exclusively by the Bear-Patrol Community Group who have raised close to £30,000 for them.

I guess in conclusion, I wanted to draw attention to and applaud the many groups that raise sums of cash that charities could not achieve from asking individuals alone, that help sustain our LGBT charities, often expelling huge amounts of energy voluntarily. I want to encourage local LGBT charities to reach out to groups and focus on strengthening their relationships with them and I want to encourage individuals to remember when they next agree to a fundraising challenge, that LGBT charities will be needing their help more than ever.  

*Journal mentioned: Macmillan, K., Money, K., Money, A., Downing, S. (2005) Relationship marketing in the not-for-profit sector: an extension and application of the commitment-trust theory, Journal of Business Research. Vol 58 p806.  ** The Guardian article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/voluntary-sector-network/2012/may/24/charities-online-donation