The Lesbian Checklist

May has definitely been the month for friend’s birthdays. Friend number 1 was invited to go shopping for some new clothes for her celebration party and I tagged along to help her choose something. As we perused the isles, friend number 1 gravitated continuously towards the blacks and greys of her usual attire. It made me think back to when my wardrobe hung the full spectrum of blue, until I decided that enough was enough and banned myself from buying anything more of my favourite colour.

“These red shirts are nice” I tell her, “check is very in at the mo and the colour goes well with your blond hair” I reassure her. She agrees. “I feel like a proper lezza now I’ve got a check shirt” she tells me with a smile.

Out and about in the local dyke bar and I bump into friend number 2. “How’s you, how was your birthday?” I enquire. She points out her new blue check shirt.  “A gift from my gay mate, he didn’t want me feeling like I didn’t fulfil the prerequisite for a lesbian” she laughs.

It made me think about a lesbian checklist and what else might be on it. A few weeks back with the unusually hot sunny weather that bathed Britain, I was on Brighton beach with some mates for a BBQ. I was asked to get the barbie going. “I don’t know how?” I informed them, “I’ve never had to do it before, someone else always does it.” I had a number of eyes stare back at me in utter disbelief. I remember feeling inadequate in that moment and that if I was straight, no-one would have thought anything of it.

It made me remember an online test by Channel 4 called the ‘Gay-O-Meter’ which declared me only 36% gay. It mocked my result by asking ‘How does a straight acting girl ever manage to get a date? Any more girlie and you’d have to be straight! I put my ‘gayness’ failure down to my lack of DIY skills, never having shaved my head and being really bad at pool!

At least I reassure myself, I can put it all down to being a femme, after all, we can’t all be butches can we?! At a pride event with some mates, there’s another test for me to prove my lesbian status – this time as a femme. You have to squeeze this instrument and it gives a reading. What did I come out as.....yes I failed even that falling into the ‘oh dear’ category!

It seems that when it comes to a lesbian checklist I’m doing rather badly. An irony when I'm considered one of the gayest girls in Brighton for the work I do within the LGBT community here. I was once even turned down by a girl because my life was 'too gay'!

Whilst out shopping for all the necessary May birthday cards I needed, I get distracted by the array of jokes, feel good slogans and pretty pictures and more specifically, a card detailing a ‘Birthday Gayness Test’ involving a pink cat.

Results declared that according to my choice I was ‘super-gay’! Phew! Relief washes over me. I ponder whether, as a lesbian the result was because I liked cats or simply because it was pink – or were they covering all bases within the word ‘gayness’by using a pink cat?!

Hey, what does it matter, the main thing was that I passed - I feel redeemed again!

Protecting the Shoot

It’s just as well that us lesbians are always breaking up and making up; often with the girl that others disapprove of, as it provides plenty of gossip fodder for us to graze on, which we love. But when you first start getting close to someone it’s a challenge to not let your friends, however well meaning, destroy whatever’s blossoming for you.

You both might have pheromones coming out of you at a rate that could be bottled and sold, but before you’ve even had the chance to tell your wannabe girlfriend you fancy her, friends have intervened.

Lesbians love seeing everyone paired up and the more it’s a Walt Disney style story of romance they can repeat for ever after, the happier they are. In their excitement at seeing you swoon they are eager to help you both speed up the process to Holy Matrimony.  When you nip off to the loo, they will happily tell your wannabe girlfriend how much you have the hot’s for her, how great it is that the ‘two of us’ are getting it on and what a lovely couple we make. You return to a crimson faced individual, awkward silence and attention diverted to the exit door as you both now wonder how to react to the knowledge that’s been shared but not previously voiced between you.

If it’s a friend you’ve been spending lots of time with everyone automatically assumes you’re now fucking, with friends questioning you about whether it is such a good idea. Locking lips and bedroom activity may be what’s on both your minds, but suddenly you’ve found yourself by default in a phantom relationship together that everyone is trying to justify, except may be your ex who’s exploding over it like a landmine that’s been tripped.

If it’s not someone you’ve previously known you can guarantee that there are plenty of others around you who do. The curtain twitchers at the local dyke bar and gossips at the ‘smoker’s corner’ will provide you with their penny’s worth of advice and history about the girl in question.  Who needs Google or Facebook to do your research; the local dyke bar is a library of information with all the girls in your area fully catalogued down to bra size!

I remember when one of my friends met and fell in love with a woman she’s now betrothed too.  It caused huge upset at the time, not because they disapproved, but rather because she kept the girl well away from everyone for the first 12 months of their relationship. Her social circle took it as rejection that they were not good enough mates to be introduced and meet this woman that meant so much to their friend.

I understood completely why she did it. To protect any relationship so it flowers as and when it is ready too, the right thing to do is exactly that – keep your girl away from prying eyes and interfering friends, however well meaning or intentioned.  In the excitement from those around you, it’s easy to feel the relationship is dictated to you where instead of going with the natural flow you get lost in the speed that your friends think is appropriate and correct, but which puts intense pressure to move faster than what you want or are ready for.

Your partner and relationship (loosely used) both need to be protected from the scrutiny under which they are put, so that you can continue to discover and learn about each other first, with strong roots for when you make your public appearance as a couple.

Like A Pack of Wolves

A recent ex of mine asked if anyone was after me now that we had split up. I tried to change the subject without effect. “Is it someone I know?” she proceeded to probe.

I refused to enter into conversation on the matter, knowing this was a path that was not going to maintain harmony and amicability between us should I divulge any truth.  My silence and attempts to deflect away from the subject confirmed her suspicions, “Lesbians, they’re like a pack of wolves. I knew the moment we’d split up you’d have offers!”

Personally, I was taking the shows of interest as a compliment, more to do with my winning personality than the animalistic tendencies my ex eludes to in the lesbian population of Brighton. But I understood what she meant.

Maybe it depends on the circle of girls you know but it seems inevitable to me that girls who love and lust girls, that live and socialise in the same city on the same scene are going to end up hooking up and breaking up.  It’s well documented and known that lesbian circles are incestuous. Draw a ‘family’ tree of a group of gay girls like Alice’s L-Word chart and it clearly shows this reputation is not a myth and well earned. 

Shagging your mate – isn’t that how it works in lesbians circles?! If not your mate, then your mates ex or best friend, or your girlfriends ex, or the woman your ex had an affair with?!  I just have to think back over my own past and my girlfriends were friends, or friends of friends or from the same social circle. Even when it’s a girl you don’t know, befriend her on Facebook and it turns out that 20 of your mates already do! 

Occasionally it’s completely unexpected, it’s someone that now your single you’ve got to spend more time with and gotten closer too.  More often though you can guarantee that beneath all the joviality of friendship are smouldering passions just waiting for the opportune moment.  As friends you’ve had a spark for years and at some point alcohol takes the worries away of crossing that boundary from friendship to lovers, even if just for curiosity sake.  

I once started to put an L-Word chart together but just as digging out your family tree can unearth the family secrets so too can compiling one of these. Within a short while I abandoned the ‘tree’ as it became apparent very quickly that, ‘some things should not be written down for others to find’.  It was simply too explosive, a risk I wasn’t happy to take for what was too me a bit of fun interest. 

It is one of the less appealing aspects to being a lesbian and a challenge for any of us to deal with. For just as my ex automatically assumed that any interest I was getting would be from someone she knew, one thing is for sure, it’s no wonder that lesbians always come in pairs for their next love interest is never far away.

Going With Something Different

Last night on iplayer I watched ‘Atlantis’ that tells the story of the lost Minoan civilisation. Previously considered a myth created by Plato’s imagination, it is now believed that Atlantis was in fact based on true events on the island of Thera (now Santorini).

On my arm I adorn a tattoo of the ‘labrys’, a double headed axe, the holiest of religious symbols from this civilisation and used by Minoan priestesses for ceremonial uses and sacrifices to the Gods.

Most interpretations have identified the meaning of the double blade as associated with ‘mother earth’, some as a butterfly rather than an axe, others as the symbol of the moon with the two curved edges indicating the waxing and waning phases on either side of a full moon.  As a modern symbol it is used to represent lesbian and feminist strength, empowerment, self-sufficiency and independence.

Having been down on love over the last few years with incompatible and challenging choices of girlfriends, my friends fed up with picking up the pieces of my broken heart and nursing me back to my former self, want to take matters out of my hands and choose the right girl for me before I embark on another painful disaster romance. 

In fact they’ve already chosen the girl. She’s stable, hard-working, kind and considerate – all the wonderful qualities any sane lesbian should be clambering over themselves to hook up with. “She’s ideal for you” they tell me. “She’ll treat you right”.  I’m unconvinced, not with doubts about the character analysis of the girl in question, but as my boss so simply summed up, “You’ll be bored!”

It seems that subconsciously I desire a challenge and therefore attracted to those who are not altogether good girls. My boss says it’s a result of my hard upbringing with a childhood that needed ‘a warrior attitude’ to overcome, survive and succeed, that my ‘labrys’ tattoo and choice of girlfriends is a representation of this.  

The challenge in adulthood I am now discovering is knowing when you are reacting to default programming, that the ‘warrior’ can stop fighting and lay down her weapons. Hence why the prospect of someone capable of loving me completely and unconditionally and treating me right, leaves me feeling like a fish out of water. 

May be it is indeed time for me to learn from the Minoans for whom the double headed axe was a spiritual symbol that was about creating harmony with the Gods not a weapon to fight with, as mine may well represent. May be I should trust in my friends who know me better than myself at times and let them take charge. They seem to know what I need better than I do and with time, I can become the warrior only too happy to put away her weapons.

Don't Ignore 'The Crack'

You’d think that as you get older with maturity your relationships would get easier and you’d be attracted to those you’re more suitable too that are in the same ‘space’ as you, having learned more about yourself, grown wiser and gained a few painful experiences in life.

Contrary to this theory mine are doing the opposite.  My relationships seem more challenging, are getting shorter in length and the ending of them increasingly a drawn out process that probably consumes 75% of the length of time spent together. 

I used to wonder why lesbians stay together long past their relationship sale by date? Now I have come to realise that it is simply easier to live in a dead relationship where love and intimacy have gone, but at least you’re not rowing over who gets the cat in the divorce. 

In my 20s I was able to end my relationships just with the decision that ‘we no longer work’. A swift farewell and I never looked back. A decade older and endings exist in a constant penultimate state going on for months, occasionally years with lots of forgiveness, excuses, tears and counselling.  

You’d think it would be the other way around when in your teens or 20's time seems infinite and you’re less experienced, whilst once over 30, you realise that time is in fact finite, you’ve gained wisdom on matters of the heart plus you are getting older which means greyer, saggier, ultimately uglier and for some lesbians a concern their biological clock is ticking. 

Years ago I went to my first ever psychic, a little old lady in her 80s who lived above a shop. She looked like my Nan with the same taste in decorative crockery everywhere. She asked for an item she could hold and I gave her my silver neck chain I never took off.   

Amongst other things, she told me my relationship would end describing a crack in the wall that cannot be repaired. I had been with my girlfriend about two years and felt everything was fine. I came away upset, five quid lighter, and resolved that I was in control of my own life. What did she know anyway?! 

Over the course of the next two years the crack became visibly noticeable.  At first I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to hide it. Then I tried fixing it with my own DIY skills. Then I tried a professional who tells us after investigation ‘this cannot be saved’.  Still you hold on despite the ‘hole’ now as big and as scary as the ‘crack in the wall’ of Amy Ponds bedroom in Doctor Who. You’re scared for it has the same power to ‘consume people, erasing them from history’ (Series 5, episode 1). 

Eventually the crack has weakened the whole structure, everything collapses like a stack of playing cards and you’re left surrounded by rubble, the girlfriend gone to be eventually ‘consumed ‘and you wondering why you left it so long, why you didn’t sell up years ago when the crack first appeared and wasting all that pointless energy.  

I have been back to psychics since on the proviso that they don’t mention my relationship unless I’m single. That little old lady was spot on with her forecast and voiced before I was ready what I already knew but couldn't yet face up too. Her analogy represents so many lesbian relationships that drag on for years. If only we could learn to say goodbye when that crack first appears. 

When 'No' Is Enough

Out with mates in a local bar and one drink led to another. We moved upstairs where the dance floor was pumping.  A few more hours and a few more drinks and the night is drawing to a close. Only the hard core few are left, and the lights are due on at any moment. 

Fuelled by alcohol and a happy vibe from a great night out with friends, I approach a woman I know chatting at the bar. I’m eager that the night not end and it’s someone I’ve had casual ‘fun and frolics’ with before. 

I interrupt her conversation and get straight to the point, “Do you want to come back with me?”

Her response is rather akin to the ‘sandwich’ method that line managers are taught for dealing out ‘positive feedback’ to their staff. 

“I really like you; I had fun the times we were together. But I’ve realised I don’t want something casual. I want to be either in or out of a relationship, not something that’s neither. ”

She goes on to explain in contradictory terms about how she’s not ready yet, she’s confused and doesn’t really know what she wants, that she really likes me, but we wouldn’t work out.  ‘You want something different to me’ she finishes on. 

I wonder if she’ll remember this conversation the next day and the complete mixed explanation she gave me. The only thing that was clear was that I was going home alone. So I left to lick my wounded pride seeing no reason to stay any longer. 

As I walk home I ponder about how lesbians will always tell you (or you know it) that they are not ready, that they don’t want to rush into something, they’re still getting over their ex or other personal circumstances. But then in the next breath, they rush straight into a relationship with another after the first date, baggage in tow. 

Her parting words of rejection stung, because at some level we all are seeking that special someone with whom to share our lives with.  I’m just honest about where I’m at and therefore unwilling to set expectations otherwise to myself or others in offering commitment.  

The following day I’m having coffee with a couple of my male gay mates laughing and recounting the previous night. I tell my tale of rejection and the conversation that took place subsequently. 

“Wow!” Seb says in surprise. “You lesbians say all that when ‘No’ would be plenty? Is that normal?!”

“Yes”, I replied.

Recently Single: A TimeTo Ditch The Muffin

There’s many times when we make resolutions to ourselves that seem impossible to keep... Too lose weight, give up smoking, join a group, do a course. Invariably though due to a lack of will-power, lack of confidence, external influences, peer pressure, stress and unrealistic goals, we give up and go back to our familiar routine or habit. 

There are specific times when we look to give things up: New Year, Lent, a birthday... and guaranteed when a lesbian relationship has ended.  You can always tell the girls who have just become single - suddenly they’re on fad diets, have joined a gym, started keep-fit classes, are constantly chewing Nicorette gum and talk incessantly about losing weight and getting their tone back. They are on a mission to look and feel good and get their life ‘back in shape’. 

During the course of my last relationship I put on about a stone and a half. My partner was ‘a feeder’; she cared by ensuring I never skipped a meal and ate wholesomely food for each of them.  She was always concerned that I didn’t properly eat when alone, missing meals and living on a diet predominantly of raw food and baked beans (not together I might add!) 

Its funny how as lesbians, when we’re single we want to look good by being our correct ‘height weight BMI’ ratio and will take the steps necessary to do so, but as soon as we enter a relationship we stop caring. We no longer go to the gym or that sports group we did previously, we over eat, we generally are less active preferring cuddles on the couch and weight gain becomes inevitable.  

At a party with mostly women I didn’t know, one of the girls was described quite openly to me during the course of the evening by her friends who were shocked at the negative transformation in her appearance. Apparently she was once really trendy, super-cool and very attractive, but having since partnered up no longer made the effort, her sense of style had diminished as she’d ‘merged’ with the new girl in her life and she’d put on considerable weight.  

I recently separated and people are already commenting that I’ve lost weight, which of course I’m thrilled about and caused totally by my former eating habits returning.  I’ve personally not felt the need to go to extreme lengths in pursuit of restoring happiness and equilibrium that my friends (also nursing broken hearts) are going too.  Then again, fed up with a muffin top as a stark reminder, I have just spontaneously registered to do the Cancer Research 5K ‘Race for Life’ in Brighton come July!

Please sponsor me to gain pounds of a different kind, the sort that actually help women stay healthy. My donation page is here. All pounds gained are gratefully received.