On the Pull at the GoGo Women’s Festival

I’ve just about recovered from an amazing weekend at the GoGo Women’s Festival in Kent. I went with five single lesbian mates and we all had only two things on our mind, listening to great music and popping cherries to our own passion fuelled beats. It didn’t disappoint.

The heavens poured like we were in the tropics but there’s something quite irresistible about 2000 women getting wet and dirty in a mud fest. The live stage had enough talented eye-candy on it that our pants weren’t just wet from the rain running down our torsos. Whilst the dance floor at night had all the girls getting up close and personal in rhythm to the pumping tunes being spun by the hot DJs.

Like most festivals, we were all sleep deprived with breakfast a combination of energy drinks and a ‘hair of the dog’. With sun glasses a necessity, mornings were spent re-grouping, watching the girlz go by and discussing the two things we had come to enjoy. It was at these times we exchanged advice and tips on all things that would help us get laid, from chat up lines to who we wanted. I was probably the most brazen of the bunch and so here that follows were my tips I imparted on ‘getting pulled’ for the shy girls who wanted some one on one fun, but were too scared to ask!

1. Approaching a group of girls is intimidating for even the most confident of girlz, so if you want to get chatted up always stand at the edge of the group, not in the middle however popular you want to look! 
2. Give out clear signals that you are single and on the pull to those who may be looking. Do this by not being over affectionate with your mates – there’s nothing worse than someone having to spend hours trying to figure out if you’re with someone and running the risk of a punch up with the girlfriend if they get it wrong!
3. On the same note as the above, constantly scan the room/area, look as if you’re eyeing up girls and make eye-contact with those across the room. You won’t pull if you are engrossed in your mates and their conversation at all times! 
4. Look approachable. Keep your body language open and very slightly turned away from your mates so you are engaged with them still but are also inviting strangers up for a chat.  
5. If a girl is looking at you and you want her to approach, make eye-contact and remember to smile – this is a green light signal! If you don’t want her to approach turn your body fully away from the girl in question and fully towards your mates and don’t smile – this is a red light!
6. We all have our ‘ideal Ms Right I want to marry’ type.  Unless you want to be in the sexual desert for years whilst waiting for your Ms Perfect fit to come along, leave your shopping list of ‘marriageable’ criteria at home. You never know - you might even expand your horizon!
7. If a girl has made the courage to approach you, don’t then let your ego get the better of your manners. She’s done the hardest part, so make the conversation that follows as easy and as straightforward as possible. Make it clear if you’re interested. Compliment her on something – her shoes, clothes, tattoos, hair. If you want to fuck her then just say it and invite her back – trust me she’ll thank you for it! oh and don’t start giving her your life story!
8. When getting chatted up DO NOT mention her eyes – it’s cheesy and corny and she’ll take it as a piss-take and don’t mention the size of her tits!
9. Very subtly look for an opportunity to touch her lightly on the outside of the upper arm. Psychologically it says 'i'm sexually interested' and will help bring her and the conversation closer.
10. Just say 'YES' to everything! You never know what nice surprises you will experience being out of your comfort zone!

Do you have any other tips that you would share out to your friends?

Make Me Feel Like I’m The Only Girl

There’s a word I’m increasingly growing to hate as I hear it used time and again by the girls I’ve liked, loved and shagged. It was a firm favourite in the vocabulary of my ex girlfriend and once again I find myself a recipient of it from the girl who’s just vacated my bed this morning.

As she opens the door to leave she turns to me and says, “I’ll see you later”.

“Come back tonight” I request, after all ‘later’ leaves it as wide open as my front door at this precise moment and I want to see her again.

“May be?”, she replies with a cheeky smile and an aloof shrug of the shoulders, “or may be tomorrow?!” 

I’m disappointed and unimpressed because I know I won’t see her tonight and I know she doesn’t mean tomorrow. Having experienced 'later' often, I've learned that ‘later’ means anything but. It usually implies a strategy of ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’, a game plan that you are part of to boost their ego, keep you wanting more, keep you ‘on your toes’ and to keep their own options open.

To me, ‘later’ means this evening but is used by so many other girls to mean ‘at some point in the future as and when it suits me'. The reality of this being the end of the week, next week, next month, whenever we happen to bump into each other, whenever I’ve not got better things to do, whenever I’ve not got a better offer or even just when I think I’ve kept you hanging long enough that you’ll be begging me to see you when I next contact you.

I don’t like being part of a game plan. I would rather she had said nothing and walked out, than allude to wanting to see me again on her terms when she wants it. I could play this game too – act indifferent – wait for her to lose her patience by pretending I don’t care if I never see her again, but why should I not show my emotions and invite her back? Why does this suddenly make me needy and therefore something to be played with like a cat with a mouse?

I’ve been here before and got the t-shirt, again and again and again, but not this time. I don’t want to play this game of allowing you to feel like you’re in control of ‘me’ and ‘us’ and me feeling the pawn piece. If you want me, show it.

The chorus of Rihanna's song 'Only Girl (In The World)' plays in my head as my front door closes, 'I want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world'. 

Your Lesbian Identity

I walk into the dyke bar to meet a friend. Sat at the bar are others I know – my ex (of course!), friends from the friendship circle I was once part of and a few additions to the group.  I go up to say hello, better to get it over and done with so I can enjoy the rest of my night as far away as possible. 

Within minutes, I’m asked by the girl I barely know from the group, befriended by my ex since we parted a number of years back,

“So you still with...?”

I feel off guard with the brazenness and my head races with paranoia wondering why she wants to know. My ex’s have a habit of befriending each other when they’re no longer with me. Does anyone else suffer from this situation I’d like to know? Or is it something about the type of girl I like that takes pleasure in bonding with others I have loved and lost? 

Being quick with wit was never my strong point, and I'd preferred to have been rendered speechless, but instead honesty escapes my lips ‘no, we are no longer together’. 

This is quickly followed by another question from the same girl, who looks over my shoulder at those I have come to meet,

“So are you seeing anyone else then?”

My blood boils, but with my brain still busy processing my paranoia, it’s too occupied to react to my growing temper. I walk away, angry that someone who’s practically a stranger has the audacity to ask such questions of me and angry at myself for responding.  

Whilst the bubbles in my blood calm down, I try and remember that this is the local dyke bar, where everyone knows everyone’s business, where gossip is exchanged and where just like Biblical times, a person’s identity and position is explained according to who they are connected with.  

Only that afternoon I had been at a BBQ with a group of girls I didn’t know. Through introductions, it transpired we were all connected in some way either through work and colleagues or shared friendships of those not present.  Conversations often involved putting the person of conversation into context,

“You know Zoe, who’s now dating Theresa, who was previously with Sarah, they met that night of the party at Rachel’s. Rachel the girl who was living with Joe at the time in a house-share with Paula who was previously with Zoe, many years back before...’ 

And so on.  May be I should not have felt offended, paranoid even at what I considered personal questions by a relative stranger in the pub. This is how lesbians bond and friendship is offered after all - by putting you ‘into context’ first, establishing your 'connections’.  If you want friendship, expect your life to be anything but private, this I should know.

Which Lesbian Relationship Type Are You?

In ‘The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette’ I detailed how lesbians ‘are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls’.

And so it is that as I morn the loss of my last relationship and analyse what went wrong, I’ve begun to observe the girls around me and the relationships that are going on. I’ve discovered that there are nine distinct ‘types’ of relationship that lesbians engage in.

1.      Steady-eddies
These first types have been with their partner for years and all is well. They remain committed to each other, loyal, faithful and loving. In truth I can only think of a handful and I don’t know any lesbian relationship that’s lasted beyond 12 years. In fact four, eight and 12 years seem to be the points at which our relationships fail. They don’t go out much preferring the company of each other – mmmm, may be that’s why eventually they fail?!

2.      Hop-Scotch
These second types are those who cannot be single. They jump from relationship to relationship without a breath in between. Their relationships are intense and quick to crash and burn.

3.      The Dater
These third types are those girls who date girl after girl. Sometimes they are seeking a relationship, some want anything but a relationship. They’ve likely worked their way through all GaydarGirl profiles in their area and may be the person you are warned to avoid getting lured in by at the dyke bar. You may get to enjoy the company of this girl for a few hours, at least for the time it takes her to assess whether she wants to take you home for the night. If you’re interesting enough and sexy enough you will get to enjoy a night of passion, and if you’re well connected or useful you’ll get a couple of weeks of her company. Ultimately though, when she gets bored or you’re no longer considered useful, you’ll get thrown away like a discarded wrapper.

4.      The Third Wheel
They don’t do relationships and thus, to avoid the danger of ending up in one they only hang out with couples who are securely and happily together. You’ll never get these girls alone long enough for your pheromones to have an impact or to elicit any emotion from them.

5.      Unobtainable Flirt
With an ego big enough to fill the room, they love attention and for girls to be wooing over them. They will do all they can to get you smitten, but be careful, because the moment you announce your desire, it’s game over, not that it was a game where you were ever going to win her heart. Don’t ever be fooled by this type – this is a game of poker where she is the expert player and has no intention of ‘folding’.  As soon as you have shown your hand, she’s moved onto the next girl and the next game.

6.      Office Hussy
This type seem to struggle to find a girl they like on the scene or in their social circles, but in the meantime are working their way through the entire office complex! Maybe they’re the ‘only gay in the village’ and it’s a prime opportunity for all those married girls to have some girl on girl action where the husbands won’t notice. Either way, the Office Hussy has the knack of extracting even a hint of lesbianism from their female co-workers to enjoy lots of fun and frolics, if not also a lot of headaches and some sticky situations.

7.      Desert Rose
This type does not date and do not do relationships either. They are the reliable single girls always there everytime your relationship ends and you're wanting to get out on the scene again. They’ve been painfully hurt in the past, are too work/career driven or been in the sexual desert so long their bodies have shut down. They are happy on their own with their friends and organised life. If you want to get in with this type be prepared for years of persistence and to organise your schedule to mirror theirs. 

8.      The Clinger
Despite attempts in clearest terms, these girls do not take no for an answer. They insist on being your constant shadow, will appear wherever you are despite your most extreme attempts to elude them. They are desperate for a relationship (with you) and truely believe that if they hang around long enough, eventually you’ll either a)get to know them more and fall in love or b)get so fed up of their persistence, that you’ll cave in and they’ll get what they want. They likely stalk your every move on Facebook and will only disappear heartbroken when you begin a relationship with someone else.

9.      Dead Relationship
For whatever reason, neither of you is willing ‘to end’ the relationship so it stays in a perpetual penultimate state. Love and intimacy have gone and your more like best friends. This may go on for many years, often until one of them meets another.  The other dead relationship is when it’s ended, but because of financial convenience they remain living together, deluded that they’ll part when they can afford too.

So there we have it. Nine lesbian relationships you may find yourself in or affected by when on the chase. Have I missed some? You tell me.