Your Lesbian Identity

I walk into the dyke bar to meet a friend. Sat at the bar are others I know – my ex (of course!), friends from the friendship circle I was once part of and a few additions to the group.  I go up to say hello, better to get it over and done with so I can enjoy the rest of my night as far away as possible. 

Within minutes, I’m asked by the girl I barely know from the group, befriended by my ex since we parted a number of years back,

“So you still with...?”

I feel off guard with the brazenness and my head races with paranoia wondering why she wants to know. My ex’s have a habit of befriending each other when they’re no longer with me. Does anyone else suffer from this situation I’d like to know? Or is it something about the type of girl I like that takes pleasure in bonding with others I have loved and lost? 

Being quick with wit was never my strong point, and I'd preferred to have been rendered speechless, but instead honesty escapes my lips ‘no, we are no longer together’. 

This is quickly followed by another question from the same girl, who looks over my shoulder at those I have come to meet,

“So are you seeing anyone else then?”

My blood boils, but with my brain still busy processing my paranoia, it’s too occupied to react to my growing temper. I walk away, angry that someone who’s practically a stranger has the audacity to ask such questions of me and angry at myself for responding.  

Whilst the bubbles in my blood calm down, I try and remember that this is the local dyke bar, where everyone knows everyone’s business, where gossip is exchanged and where just like Biblical times, a person’s identity and position is explained according to who they are connected with.  

Only that afternoon I had been at a BBQ with a group of girls I didn’t know. Through introductions, it transpired we were all connected in some way either through work and colleagues or shared friendships of those not present.  Conversations often involved putting the person of conversation into context,

“You know Zoe, who’s now dating Theresa, who was previously with Sarah, they met that night of the party at Rachel’s. Rachel the girl who was living with Joe at the time in a house-share with Paula who was previously with Zoe, many years back before...’ 

And so on.  May be I should not have felt offended, paranoid even at what I considered personal questions by a relative stranger in the pub. This is how lesbians bond and friendship is offered after all - by putting you ‘into context’ first, establishing your 'connections’.  If you want friendship, expect your life to be anything but private, this I should know.