In ‘The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette’ I detailed how lesbians ‘are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls’.
And so it is that as I morn the loss of my last relationship and analyse what went wrong, I’ve begun to observe the girls around me and the relationships that are going on. I’ve discovered that there are nine distinct ‘types’ of relationship that lesbians engage in.
1. Steady-eddies
These first types have been with their partner for years and all is well. They remain committed to each other, loyal, faithful and loving. In truth I can only think of a handful and I don’t know any lesbian relationship that’s lasted beyond 12 years. In fact four, eight and 12 years seem to be the points at which our relationships fail. They don’t go out much preferring the company of each other – mmmm, may be that’s why eventually they fail?!
2. Hop-Scotch
These second types are those who cannot be single. They jump from relationship to relationship without a breath in between. Their relationships are intense and quick to crash and burn.
3. The Dater
These third types are those girls who date girl after girl. Sometimes they are seeking a relationship, some want anything but a relationship. They’ve likely worked their way through all GaydarGirl profiles in their area and may be the person you are warned to avoid getting lured in by at the dyke bar. You may get to enjoy the company of this girl for a few hours, at least for the time it takes her to assess whether she wants to take you home for the night. If you’re interesting enough and sexy enough you will get to enjoy a night of passion, and if you’re well connected or useful you’ll get a couple of weeks of her company. Ultimately though, when she gets bored or you’re no longer considered useful, you’ll get thrown away like a discarded wrapper.
4. The Third Wheel
They don’t do relationships and thus, to avoid the danger of ending up in one they only hang out with couples who are securely and happily together. You’ll never get these girls alone long enough for your pheromones to have an impact or to elicit any emotion from them.
5. Unobtainable Flirt
With an ego big enough to fill the room, they love attention and for girls to be wooing over them. They will do all they can to get you smitten, but be careful, because the moment you announce your desire, it’s game over, not that it was a game where you were ever going to win her heart. Don’t ever be fooled by this type – this is a game of poker where she is the expert player and has no intention of ‘folding’. As soon as you have shown your hand, she’s moved onto the next girl and the next game.
6. Office Hussy
This type seem to struggle to find a girl they like on the scene or in their social circles, but in the meantime are working their way through the entire office complex! Maybe they’re the ‘only gay in the village’ and it’s a prime opportunity for all those married girls to have some girl on girl action where the husbands won’t notice. Either way, the Office Hussy has the knack of extracting even a hint of lesbianism from their female co-workers to enjoy lots of fun and frolics, if not also a lot of headaches and some sticky situations.
7. Desert Rose
This type does not date and do not do relationships either. They are the reliable single girls always there everytime your relationship ends and you're wanting to get out on the scene again. They’ve been painfully hurt in the past, are too work/career driven or been in the sexual desert so long their bodies have shut down. They are happy on their own with their friends and organised life. If you want to get in with this type be prepared for years of persistence and to organise your schedule to mirror theirs.
8. The Clinger
Despite attempts in clearest terms, these girls do not take no for an answer. They insist on being your constant shadow, will appear wherever you are despite your most extreme attempts to elude them. They are desperate for a relationship (with you) and truely believe that if they hang around long enough, eventually you’ll either a)get to know them more and fall in love or b)get so fed up of their persistence, that you’ll cave in and they’ll get what they want. They likely stalk your every move on Facebook and will only disappear heartbroken when you begin a relationship with someone else.
9. Dead Relationship
For whatever reason, neither of you is willing ‘to end’ the relationship so it stays in a perpetual penultimate state. Love and intimacy have gone and your more like best friends. This may go on for many years, often until one of them meets another. The other dead relationship is when it’s ended, but because of financial convenience they remain living together, deluded that they’ll part when they can afford too.
So there we have it. Nine lesbian relationships you may find yourself in or affected by when on the chase. Have I missed some? You tell me.
No comments:
Post a Comment