There's never a right time in the annual calendar to end a relationship. Christmas is days away followed by New Year's Eve, followed by Valentine's Day. The annual two week holiday to Lesvos is booked for Spring, friend's are getting civil partnered in Summer (so you don't want to overshadow their happiness) and at some point there are each others birthday's, not to mention whatever circumstances life might be throwing at you as individuals. No there's really never a good time.
Today I helped a friend move out and on from her relationship. Driving back in the car loaded up with her belongings, our melancholy thoughts permeated the car's atmosphere.
"It was the right thing to do" she affirms to herself, trying to relieve the guilt. "I just couldn't carry on ignoring our differences - that would have been wrong to do, to lie that all is still ok."
We share experiences about our relationships past and present, regrets, resentment, disappointments, hindsight we've learned from, the broken hearts that healed.
As we talk, the Christmas spirit passes us by; mini santa's dangling from walls, sparkly lights draped around doorways and brightly decorated tree's standing proud in windows.
"Relationships are fragile like Christmas bauble's" I pitch in. "As two individuals you will always have differences in a relationship. It's how much you are able and willing to accept those differences and compromise to enable the relationship to work. But the relationship is continually under threat from external and internal forces that challenge those differences and the compromises made. What might have once been a difference that was OK with you, isn't anymore".
People think of relationships as something that are strong - may be because they have such trust and confidence in their partners - 'their rock'. But my experience is they're just as easy to break as a Christmas bauble.
22 Nov 2012
Money worries in lesbian relationships
They say opposites attract and there's no doubt that German Girlfriend (GGF) and I are like chalk and cheese. Our differences have drawn us together and give us both plenty of fodder to jest and joke at each other with, but there's one difference that is no joking matter in this relationship or any other. It's a difference that I think has the ability to repel even the closest of partners, cause the greatest strain and poses the greatest threat to any relationship.
GGF is a senior manager whilst I lost my job in August and now survive on unemployment benefit; our incomes as extreme as our chalk and cheese personalities. Even before I was made redundant though, our incomes were a noticeable (to us) few thousand apart. Differences in wage are hard I think on any relationship, gay or straight. I struggle with it. It has not always been the case that I'm the skint one. I have been in the situation with a previous girlfriend when I was the one that had the riches; it was equally tough and I believe, contributed to its demise.
I know of other (gay) relationships where the incomes are also extreme and the partner, dependant on the other, have no qualms spending their partners money as if it's their own. People are quick to say, 'wouldn't it be lovely to be the kept one', but the reality can be far from idyllic as you lose independence, become akin to a child where your 'guardian' has control over the purse strings and therefore it takes a certain individual to be happy in that situation.
Even if like GGF and I, you don't live together, money still affects everything. It determines what you can do together from how many (if any) holidays or trips can be taken, whether you can join your mates (and girlfriend) down the pub, go out for a restaurant meal or having to deliberate over invitations to events, concerts and shows because you can't afford the ticket and travel prices. The choice becomes when and if to do things together and when and what the girlfriend pays for. Agony Aunt columns on the matter often refer to disputes over additional choices for those living together like who pays what with household bills and other household items.
I'm fiercely independent and a complete control freak, neither of which help me deal with being the dependent pauper. I hate someone else having to pay out for me, it gives me a huge sense of guilt and shame. GGF says she doesn't care, jokes (seriously) that when I get back on my feet, she'll put hers up - though she's even more fiercely independent than me, so would hate the reality too!
In previous generations, this financial divide would have been the norm with the stay at home housewife and mother, but the norm now is both partners working whereby financial differences can have a huge influence on a relationship, my advice is simply to never underestimate it.
GGF is a senior manager whilst I lost my job in August and now survive on unemployment benefit; our incomes as extreme as our chalk and cheese personalities. Even before I was made redundant though, our incomes were a noticeable (to us) few thousand apart. Differences in wage are hard I think on any relationship, gay or straight. I struggle with it. It has not always been the case that I'm the skint one. I have been in the situation with a previous girlfriend when I was the one that had the riches; it was equally tough and I believe, contributed to its demise.
I know of other (gay) relationships where the incomes are also extreme and the partner, dependant on the other, have no qualms spending their partners money as if it's their own. People are quick to say, 'wouldn't it be lovely to be the kept one', but the reality can be far from idyllic as you lose independence, become akin to a child where your 'guardian' has control over the purse strings and therefore it takes a certain individual to be happy in that situation.
Even if like GGF and I, you don't live together, money still affects everything. It determines what you can do together from how many (if any) holidays or trips can be taken, whether you can join your mates (and girlfriend) down the pub, go out for a restaurant meal or having to deliberate over invitations to events, concerts and shows because you can't afford the ticket and travel prices. The choice becomes when and if to do things together and when and what the girlfriend pays for. Agony Aunt columns on the matter often refer to disputes over additional choices for those living together like who pays what with household bills and other household items.
I'm fiercely independent and a complete control freak, neither of which help me deal with being the dependent pauper. I hate someone else having to pay out for me, it gives me a huge sense of guilt and shame. GGF says she doesn't care, jokes (seriously) that when I get back on my feet, she'll put hers up - though she's even more fiercely independent than me, so would hate the reality too!
In previous generations, this financial divide would have been the norm with the stay at home housewife and mother, but the norm now is both partners working whereby financial differences can have a huge influence on a relationship, my advice is simply to never underestimate it.
15 Oct 2012
The true “Power of We” in the LGBT community
Today is Blog Action Day when bloggers globally write about one important topic. This year the theme is 'Power of We'.
When I think about this from a lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans (LGBT) perspective, my thoughts immediately interpret 'we' as 'community' – the 'Power of the LGBT community'. But what is this?
Is there still such a thing as 'community' for those who are LGBT? If community even exists, what power does it hold if any? I refer to the 'Brighton & Hove LGBT community', the organisations in Brighton promote that they exist to provide services to the 'LGBT community' and I get contacted by researchers wanting to engage with; and event organisers wanting to target and sell tickets to the 'LGBT community'. So clearly we think and feel there is a community of sorts. The Collins Dictionary describes community as:
But what about those who don't relate to or frequent 'The Scene' and who live outside of these 'gay villages'? Do they still feel as if they belong to an LGBT 'community'? You may not live in one of these areas or go on 'The Scene', but according to the dictionary you are by definition part of the 'community' simply by being LGBT. But how does that translate into a sense of belonging?
Whilst I've spent many an hour on 'The Scene', it was the community groups (Allsorts, BLAGSS and Ishigaki Ju Jitsu) that I joined that allowed me to make friends and turned Brighton into my home. I started this blog out of a sense of needing to describe the community and my experiences within it.
Too often we seek from the 'community' to provide for us and meet our needs, thinking about what the community should be doing for us and then moan, complain and even attack it when it fails to do so. May be instead of withdrawing and alienating ourselves from the LGBT community or expressing apathy towards it – we should do something about it! Ask yourself 'what can I offer the LGBT community to ensure my needs are met from it and that of others'? It's down to us as individuals to make the 'community' feel our own so that we feel a belonging to it. If we all gave a little of our time, energy and commitment to organise, partake and contribute what we felt was missing from the community...we'd discover the true 'power of we' in the LGBT community.
Is there still such a thing as 'community' for those who are LGBT? If community even exists, what power does it hold if any? I refer to the 'Brighton & Hove LGBT community', the organisations in Brighton promote that they exist to provide services to the 'LGBT community' and I get contacted by researchers wanting to engage with; and event organisers wanting to target and sell tickets to the 'LGBT community'. So clearly we think and feel there is a community of sorts. The Collins Dictionary describes community as:
- all the people living in one district.
- A group of people with shared origins or interests.
- a group of people having a particular characteristic in common.
But what about those who don't relate to or frequent 'The Scene' and who live outside of these 'gay villages'? Do they still feel as if they belong to an LGBT 'community'? You may not live in one of these areas or go on 'The Scene', but according to the dictionary you are by definition part of the 'community' simply by being LGBT. But how does that translate into a sense of belonging?
Whilst I've spent many an hour on 'The Scene', it was the community groups (Allsorts, BLAGSS and Ishigaki Ju Jitsu) that I joined that allowed me to make friends and turned Brighton into my home. I started this blog out of a sense of needing to describe the community and my experiences within it.
Too often we seek from the 'community' to provide for us and meet our needs, thinking about what the community should be doing for us and then moan, complain and even attack it when it fails to do so. May be instead of withdrawing and alienating ourselves from the LGBT community or expressing apathy towards it – we should do something about it! Ask yourself 'what can I offer the LGBT community to ensure my needs are met from it and that of others'? It's down to us as individuals to make the 'community' feel our own so that we feel a belonging to it. If we all gave a little of our time, energy and commitment to organise, partake and contribute what we felt was missing from the community...we'd discover the true 'power of we' in the LGBT community.
4 Oct 2012
The two things gay girls will always tell you
There's two common statements that get uttered from just about all single gay girls mouths. Both really annoy me because both are pointless statements. I'll explain why.
The first classic they say is 'they don't do one night stands'.
Whenever one of my friends comes out of a relationship they immediately start wanting to meet someone for their next one. They're horny, they're lonely, they're hurting. I tell them they shouldn't rush in, they should just have some fun, sort out their sexual needs and give themselves some space to heal, enjoy their freedom from a relationship for a while before embarking immediately in another.
Of course this falls on deaf ears.
"I've never had a one night stand" they immediately tell you. "I can't do it. It's just not for me. I just don't do one night stands" they insist, often going on to explain why they would find this difficult.
Before you know it they've hooked up with someone on the pretence of it being a relationship - as I said in 'Relationship on the first date' lesbians don't date - if you have sex you're in a relationship, maybe that's why gay girls pursue sex after friendship?
There should be a new Dictionary definition added,
'Relationship-night stand' - An intense multiple sex-linked erotic experience by (commonly two) lesbians lasting for a brief period of time in which they feel ecstatic and in love.
The second statement lesbians make is to repeatedly tell you they are not ready for a relationship. But unable to 'do' one night stands, horny, lonely and hurting, dating not part of lesbian courtship; they embark on a 'relationship' with you, suitcases heavier than the 20kg weight allowance. Under the strain or because they catch the eye of another, this becomes a 'relationship-night stand'.
Whenever I hear either of these two statements, I know they mean neither because what they actually mean is they want both at the same time.
The first classic they say is 'they don't do one night stands'.
Whenever one of my friends comes out of a relationship they immediately start wanting to meet someone for their next one. They're horny, they're lonely, they're hurting. I tell them they shouldn't rush in, they should just have some fun, sort out their sexual needs and give themselves some space to heal, enjoy their freedom from a relationship for a while before embarking immediately in another.
Of course this falls on deaf ears.
"I've never had a one night stand" they immediately tell you. "I can't do it. It's just not for me. I just don't do one night stands" they insist, often going on to explain why they would find this difficult.
Before you know it they've hooked up with someone on the pretence of it being a relationship - as I said in 'Relationship on the first date' lesbians don't date - if you have sex you're in a relationship, maybe that's why gay girls pursue sex after friendship?
There should be a new Dictionary definition added,
'Relationship-night stand' - An intense multiple sex-linked erotic experience by (commonly two) lesbians lasting for a brief period of time in which they feel ecstatic and in love.
The second statement lesbians make is to repeatedly tell you they are not ready for a relationship. But unable to 'do' one night stands, horny, lonely and hurting, dating not part of lesbian courtship; they embark on a 'relationship' with you, suitcases heavier than the 20kg weight allowance. Under the strain or because they catch the eye of another, this becomes a 'relationship-night stand'.
Whenever I hear either of these two statements, I know they mean neither because what they actually mean is they want both at the same time.
29 Sept 2012
Is apathy killing our LGBT Communities?
It was with sad news that I read this week about the Pink Paper closing. I’ve read and followed the gay newspaper for many years from when it was in print form and my regular reading material whilst I had a pint at the local gay pub. Then it became an online paper which I continued to follow on Facebook.
The last 12 months have seen a number of LGBT services, establishments and charities close or fight for survival, many that have existed for decades. Examples off the top of my head are First Out Cafe and Gay’s The Word bookshop in Soho, the Candy Bar and OUT! bookstore in Brighton, we’ve seen Prides struggle across the UK and experienced LGBT charities struggling to continue to remain financially secure; The Rainbow Fund was set up in response to this growing domino collapse of our services in Brighton & Hove. So what’s going on?
It’s a sad fact that as LGBT individuals the majority of us do not seem to be as loyal to LGBT services, don’t seem to care in fact if they exist at all and general apathy prevails. May be, it’s because we fail to see the value of these services if we are not using them ourselves and do not know those who are benefiting from them. We can’t even be bothered most of the time to fill in questionnaires and surveys to provide the much needed data that tell grant and statutory funders we even need them. May be you don’t, but may be you will at some stage of your life?
‘The Scene’ equally is not immune. In the 13 years I have lived in Brighton, I have seen venues and club nights come and go or remain in a constant penultimate state. In this blog about my life as a lesbian in Brighton I lament about what I dislike with the lesbian scene and why I decreasingly go out on it, mock it even. The bi and trans community express their unease with the Scene, feeling unwelcome and unsafe from the gay and lesbian community and are forced to seek alternatives. So who are these Scene facilities catering for? Not every lesbian will feel as I do, but there are many who will. Not every bi and trans person feels uncomfortable, but there are many who do.
I refer to Brighton, but this is not just about Brighton, other areas could claim the same domino effect of closure in their LGBT communities and scene. Is there a new group of LGBT people that are disassociating from the ‘LGBT community’ and why are they? Are the current services offered by LGBT charities and venues, ‘meeting a need’ they presume LGBT people have? But then if those who identify as LGBT are not willing to fill in surveys, how do they find out? How do we stop the dominoes from falling? Do we need to stop them from falling? Or is it inevitable and just part of the natural cycle of progress and change?
The last 12 months have seen a number of LGBT services, establishments and charities close or fight for survival, many that have existed for decades. Examples off the top of my head are First Out Cafe and Gay’s The Word bookshop in Soho, the Candy Bar and OUT! bookstore in Brighton, we’ve seen Prides struggle across the UK and experienced LGBT charities struggling to continue to remain financially secure; The Rainbow Fund was set up in response to this growing domino collapse of our services in Brighton & Hove. So what’s going on?
It’s a sad fact that as LGBT individuals the majority of us do not seem to be as loyal to LGBT services, don’t seem to care in fact if they exist at all and general apathy prevails. May be, it’s because we fail to see the value of these services if we are not using them ourselves and do not know those who are benefiting from them. We can’t even be bothered most of the time to fill in questionnaires and surveys to provide the much needed data that tell grant and statutory funders we even need them. May be you don’t, but may be you will at some stage of your life?
‘The Scene’ equally is not immune. In the 13 years I have lived in Brighton, I have seen venues and club nights come and go or remain in a constant penultimate state. In this blog about my life as a lesbian in Brighton I lament about what I dislike with the lesbian scene and why I decreasingly go out on it, mock it even. The bi and trans community express their unease with the Scene, feeling unwelcome and unsafe from the gay and lesbian community and are forced to seek alternatives. So who are these Scene facilities catering for? Not every lesbian will feel as I do, but there are many who will. Not every bi and trans person feels uncomfortable, but there are many who do.
I refer to Brighton, but this is not just about Brighton, other areas could claim the same domino effect of closure in their LGBT communities and scene. Is there a new group of LGBT people that are disassociating from the ‘LGBT community’ and why are they? Are the current services offered by LGBT charities and venues, ‘meeting a need’ they presume LGBT people have? But then if those who identify as LGBT are not willing to fill in surveys, how do they find out? How do we stop the dominoes from falling? Do we need to stop them from falling? Or is it inevitable and just part of the natural cycle of progress and change?
14 Sept 2012
How to get a girlfriend when you're a single lesbian
My gay mate comes over for a cuppa (definitely a sign I’m getting older!) and a catch up.
“I just can’t get enough sex at the moment” he tells me. “I’m on Grindr every night meeting guys and arranging sex. I think I must be making up for all that lost opportunity in my 30s!”
I’m no psychologist, but we’ve known each other for many years. He seems in a contented space, happy with all the ‘fucking’ now going on. He’s 42 by the way and it seems no longer happily single,
“I think I’m ready for a relationship” he explains. We’ve had this conversation before, about how gays and lesbians do things differently when it comes to finding a long term partner. He explains again anyway, just to clarify and presumably justify his burst of sexual activity to me, though neither is necessary.
“I’m ready for a boyfriend and to find a boyfriend I have to fuck lots of boys. That’s how guys work, you fuck first then you discover if you’ve got a connection. If you don’t fuck first, you’ll only ever have a friendship!”
It is true that us girls seem to pursue in a different manner summed up a couple of days later, this time with a lesbian mate (and this time over a pint!)
“So have you heard from …” I enquire wanting to get the updates. Our conversation goes along like the following:
“Oh yes… she’s now seeing her best mate, you remember…and so and so is seeing… that was always on the cards, as they met at that dinner party and got on… and She’s seeing… they met at the women’s choir… and They got together; they’ve been friends for years and then when she broke up with her girlfriend…………………..”
“How did you meet your girlfriend” I ask.
“We were introduced at an event by a mutual friend” my mate replies. “How did you meet your girlfriend” she asks returning the question.
“We were introduced by a mutual friend out one night at a bar” I reply.
It seems that us girls like to the do the fucking part 'after' we've 'friended' our way to a girlfriend. So if you're seeking love, I suggest joining lots of groups and making lots of friends!
“I just can’t get enough sex at the moment” he tells me. “I’m on Grindr every night meeting guys and arranging sex. I think I must be making up for all that lost opportunity in my 30s!”
I’m no psychologist, but we’ve known each other for many years. He seems in a contented space, happy with all the ‘fucking’ now going on. He’s 42 by the way and it seems no longer happily single,
“I think I’m ready for a relationship” he explains. We’ve had this conversation before, about how gays and lesbians do things differently when it comes to finding a long term partner. He explains again anyway, just to clarify and presumably justify his burst of sexual activity to me, though neither is necessary.
“I’m ready for a boyfriend and to find a boyfriend I have to fuck lots of boys. That’s how guys work, you fuck first then you discover if you’ve got a connection. If you don’t fuck first, you’ll only ever have a friendship!”
It is true that us girls seem to pursue in a different manner summed up a couple of days later, this time with a lesbian mate (and this time over a pint!)
“So have you heard from …” I enquire wanting to get the updates. Our conversation goes along like the following:
“Oh yes… she’s now seeing her best mate, you remember…and so and so is seeing… that was always on the cards, as they met at that dinner party and got on… and She’s seeing… they met at the women’s choir… and They got together; they’ve been friends for years and then when she broke up with her girlfriend…………………..”
“How did you meet your girlfriend” I ask.
“We were introduced at an event by a mutual friend” my mate replies. “How did you meet your girlfriend” she asks returning the question.
“We were introduced by a mutual friend out one night at a bar” I reply.
It seems that us girls like to the do the fucking part 'after' we've 'friended' our way to a girlfriend. So if you're seeking love, I suggest joining lots of groups and making lots of friends!
10 Sept 2012
The lesbian relationship cycle explained
I pull off my shelf the well-known book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by psychotherapist Dr M. Scott Peck. Gathering dust for many years its’ been waiting for the day to finally be opened.
I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!
Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.
‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.
Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.
'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.
Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.
I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.
Now it all makes perfect sense.
I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!
Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.
‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.
Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.
'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.
Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.
I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.
Now it all makes perfect sense.
25 Aug 2012
The right way to introduce your ex
Last night was a pretty typical night for me. I bumped into an old friend of mine, we chatted and then my ex turns up behind her - seems they're out together for the night. Stiff pleasantries are exchanged between me and the ex.
A friend I'm out with a few minutes later turns up at my side. I introduce those I'm chatting too.
"This is C....... an old friend. This is M......., an ex of mine."
My ex turns away with a disapproving snigger.
"What's wrong?" I ask, peeved that within five minutes she's already found something to belittle me over.
"The way you introduced me. It's really funny". She responds with contempt, her sniggers continuing.
"Well, how exactly would you like me to introduce you for future reference?!"
She replies by stating her name.
"But you are my ex and I was putting you into context for my friend. You're not just M....... to me because you're more than that. Saying you're my ex shows that you're more than some random person I've met this evening that I'm introducing"
Clearly my ex thinks differently. But then she holds contempt of me like I'm forever meant to be atoning for something and probably enjoys finding whatever fault she can to pick me apart.
I ask GGF, my flatmate and work colleague for their opinion on the matter. Was I in the wrong I ask?
It seems not. They agree that when introducing those you know to friends, you do invariably put them into context of how you know them including exes, because the next question will always be 'so how do you know each other?'
I think my ex was being way OTT and I will be doing exactly the same again next time.
A friend I'm out with a few minutes later turns up at my side. I introduce those I'm chatting too.
"This is C....... an old friend. This is M......., an ex of mine."
My ex turns away with a disapproving snigger.
"What's wrong?" I ask, peeved that within five minutes she's already found something to belittle me over.
"The way you introduced me. It's really funny". She responds with contempt, her sniggers continuing.
"Well, how exactly would you like me to introduce you for future reference?!"
She replies by stating her name.
"But you are my ex and I was putting you into context for my friend. You're not just M....... to me because you're more than that. Saying you're my ex shows that you're more than some random person I've met this evening that I'm introducing"
Clearly my ex thinks differently. But then she holds contempt of me like I'm forever meant to be atoning for something and probably enjoys finding whatever fault she can to pick me apart.
I ask GGF, my flatmate and work colleague for their opinion on the matter. Was I in the wrong I ask?
It seems not. They agree that when introducing those you know to friends, you do invariably put them into context of how you know them including exes, because the next question will always be 'so how do you know each other?'
I think my ex was being way OTT and I will be doing exactly the same again next time.
22 Aug 2012
Remembering Gavin with the Hankie Quilt Project
The Hankie Project is 'a Brighton & Hove based community project created to support those who are living with HIV/AIDS and to remember those we have lost'. The community is invited to be creative and submit a 12” x 12” hankie or panel with the name and a personal message on it as a lasting memory. Groups and business are also invited to submit larger panels which can be added to the Quilt.
When I found out about the Hankie Quilt Project, I knew immediately who I would do a panel for. My best friend Gavin. Gavin died on October 4th 2005 aged 29. He had been living with HIV for 8 years. His death was sudden and unexpected, following what was described as a 'routine operation'. He wasn't meant to die, the operation wasn't meant to be life threatening – but 24 hours after surgery and he was no longer alive.
For the last two days I have been cutting and stitching my panel. I chose a sunflower for my panel because in the book of registered deaths at the cemetery where his ashes lay, his mum chose a sunflower for his inscription. I'm not sure of the significance, but know she chose it with purpose, so it felt the most appropriate symbol to represent Gavin on the panel.
Gavin had always struggled with his HIV status. To the outside world Gavin put on a brave face and seemed to just get on with life and it, but internally in his head his status effected him mentally and emotionally and he was ill quite a lot with AIDS related viruses and infections.
Gavin wrote two pieces for Blue Deep Sea (2001), an Allsorts Youth Project anthology of young people’s writings. For this he wrote very honestly about how he contracted HIV, included diary entries about the day he found out, wrote about telling his family and friends, his experience of combination therapy treatments and coming to terms with life living with HIV. You can read his writing's about his experience of HIV in the following tribute by Jess Wood on the Allsorts website (page 45 onwards).
The Quilt of panels will be carried through the city by the Bear-Patrol and friends as part of the Pride Parade on September 1st. The Quilt will then go on Exhibition as part of 'Worlds Aids Day' at the Brighton Library on December 2012.
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| The Hankie Quilt carried at Brighton Pride |
For the last two days I have been cutting and stitching my panel. I chose a sunflower for my panel because in the book of registered deaths at the cemetery where his ashes lay, his mum chose a sunflower for his inscription. I'm not sure of the significance, but know she chose it with purpose, so it felt the most appropriate symbol to represent Gavin on the panel.
Gavin had always struggled with his HIV status. To the outside world Gavin put on a brave face and seemed to just get on with life and it, but internally in his head his status effected him mentally and emotionally and he was ill quite a lot with AIDS related viruses and infections.
At first I wanted to do the panel for Gavin to represent his presence within the Brighton LGBT community attending support and social groups and volunteering for Allsorts Youth Project; his friendships with many from the community who still live here including me; his presence in Brighton marked by something permanent. But as I stitched over a number of hours I questioned whether he'd appreciate it, realising how much this was for me and my need to remember him – hence I made his name more subtle on the panel than in bold big letters!
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| His name in letters - a bit more subtle |
As I stitched I remembered all the wonderful memories I have of our time together, stuff that's so easy to forget – the things he loved to do, the little things he liked, the things we did together, his personality perfectly described in Allsorts' tribute as ' a softness of character sat alongside a very steely core that would speak up against any form of injustice with a rage and a determination'. I thought about the others he knew who also miss him and the people I don't know from the groups and services he attended that may see the panel and recognise his name. It gave me great joy to do this and lots of tears too.
My finished piece
The Quilt of panels will be carried through the city by the Bear-Patrol and friends as part of the Pride Parade on September 1st. The Quilt will then go on Exhibition as part of 'Worlds Aids Day' at the Brighton Library on December 2012.
10 Aug 2012
Claustrophobia!
Me and the GGF went on a recent trip to her home city in Germany to coincide with her sister and brother-in-law who were also visiting. Searching for a pub in which to catch up over, the sister's husband suggests the one and only gay bar in the city.
Both me and the GGF responded with a very firm unified 'NO!'
The sister called us snobs and the husband responded with a valid point of "if you don't support the only one you have, you won't get a second!"
Our stance not changing he throws up his hands. "Well, it's your culture!"
My reasons for not wanting to go was simply that it was a venue that for some reason was exempt from the smoking ban and so the thought, as a non-smoker sitting in a small venue full of chain smokers was quite horrendous.
But increasingly I have withdrawn from 'the scene' here in Brighton with the thought of heading out to the local dyke bar equally as horrendous. For a lesbian this would seem quite normal once you're in a steady relationship except in my case that's not the reason. I simply find it too claustrophobic.
The girls scene is rather like a pack of cards being shuffled for a game of poker, with your entire history constantly surrounding you, reshuffled and shared out just like the cards. Exes and enemies are hooking up together or now sleeping with your best friend or your flatmate or your girlfriend's flatmate whilst everyone tries to keep a poker face whether it's to act all British with a 'stiff upper lip' about it all or simply because lesbians have no moral code and won't accept they're doing anything wrong in their lack of boundaries.
I was recently reading a blog post about getting started in humanitarian aid work as I've wanted to work in International Development since I was young. Love, life and being gay* stopping me. What made me chuckle when reading the post was the question you apparently get asked by aid agencies when starting out -
"What are you running from?"
Well I'm not about to run anywhere just yet... the next hand is yet to be dealt.
*VSO said they couldn't place me overseas when I approached them in 2002 as a lesbian in a relationship as they couldn't guarantee my safety - admittedly they only worked in countries where you faced death by hanging, stoning or correction rape for homosexuality. Apparently they do now send out gay individuals overseas - I hear there's a quite a few in Cambodia!
Both me and the GGF responded with a very firm unified 'NO!'
The sister called us snobs and the husband responded with a valid point of "if you don't support the only one you have, you won't get a second!"
Our stance not changing he throws up his hands. "Well, it's your culture!"
My reasons for not wanting to go was simply that it was a venue that for some reason was exempt from the smoking ban and so the thought, as a non-smoker sitting in a small venue full of chain smokers was quite horrendous.
But increasingly I have withdrawn from 'the scene' here in Brighton with the thought of heading out to the local dyke bar equally as horrendous. For a lesbian this would seem quite normal once you're in a steady relationship except in my case that's not the reason. I simply find it too claustrophobic.
The girls scene is rather like a pack of cards being shuffled for a game of poker, with your entire history constantly surrounding you, reshuffled and shared out just like the cards. Exes and enemies are hooking up together or now sleeping with your best friend or your flatmate or your girlfriend's flatmate whilst everyone tries to keep a poker face whether it's to act all British with a 'stiff upper lip' about it all or simply because lesbians have no moral code and won't accept they're doing anything wrong in their lack of boundaries.
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| Photo by Alan Cleaver - Flickr |
I was recently reading a blog post about getting started in humanitarian aid work as I've wanted to work in International Development since I was young. Love, life and being gay* stopping me. What made me chuckle when reading the post was the question you apparently get asked by aid agencies when starting out -
"What are you running from?"
Well I'm not about to run anywhere just yet... the next hand is yet to be dealt.
*VSO said they couldn't place me overseas when I approached them in 2002 as a lesbian in a relationship as they couldn't guarantee my safety - admittedly they only worked in countries where you faced death by hanging, stoning or correction rape for homosexuality. Apparently they do now send out gay individuals overseas - I hear there's a quite a few in Cambodia!
1 Aug 2012
Raising funds for LGBT charities
Recently I completed my University assignment that assessed the strengths and weaknesses of social media use for not-for-profits (NPOs). One of the key reasons for non-profits using social media is to raise vital funds from individuals using social media platforms such as Facebook.
As we've seen within our own Brighton & Hove LGBT community, many charities have struggled to keep going with increased competition for grant and statutory funding. ThirdSector estimated that charities will lose £2.8 billion in public funding between 2011 and 2016. I personally think this will be particularly noticeable within the LGBT community - just ask any of your friends who they are running, abseiling, swimming for, or some other fundraising challenge and you're unlikely to hear it's for an LGBT organisation.
We've already experienced in the last 12 months MindOut's cashflow crisis whilst they waited on the outcome of grant applications and restructuring away from Mind, thankfully getting a lifeline with Big Lottery Funding. Pride in Brighton & Hove collapsed unable to sustain rising event costs against donations, Sussex Beacon launched an appeal to raise £150,000 to keep its Inpatient Unit open and Switchboard were also on the verge of collapse needing £20,000 for survival. I'm sure there will be others to follow who are currently quietly keeping their fingers crossed for that grant application to be successful.
The Guardian reported that statistics show that for every £1 spent by a charity in online fundraising, £10 is donated by individuals. And while the average offline donation in 2010 was £15, online that jumps to £30. The internet is an incredibly efficient donation tool and social media has a huge role to play in that.
But what particularly caught my interest during research was the following paragraph in a journal article: 'To survive and thrive in this competitive environment, theorists purpose that NPOs (non-profit organisations) should concentrate on maintaining and developing relationships with existing funders... Selecting a group that provides most value to an NPO is therefore crucial. Many NPOs rely on donations from both individuals and organisations. While both sources of funding are important, the average value of each organisational funder is often suggested to be higher than that of the individual.'
It made me think about local LGBTQ groups in Brighton & Hove who are doing amazing activities to help fund and support our charities, helping them to secure their positions when as individuals we seem to be choosing non-LGBT charities to support - may be because as individuals we have not had direct experience of the services provided by LGBT charities, and do not know those who have. Whilst we may know of someone who has died of cancer or suffered from a condition that we now want to raise funds for research.
When Switchboard announced their funding crisis, groups such as the Brighton Gay Men's Chorus were quick to offer money from ticket sales from their Fringe show 'Guilty Treasures'. Allsorts Youth Project has been supported this year from The Honeybee's Hockey Team with their theatre production 'Honeybee's: The Musical' and the upcoming show this Friday from Actually Gay Women's Chorus are donating ticket sales to Brighton Women's Centre as their chosen charity to support. Pride has been resurrected through a Brighton LGBT business alliance and a number of groups have nominated a specific chosen charity to raise funds for, such as Brighton Lesbian & Gay Sports Society (BLAGSS) have Switchboard as their nominated charity whilst Sussex Beacon are supported exclusively by the Bear-Patrol Community Group who have raised close to £30,000 for them.
I guess in conclusion, I wanted to draw attention to and applaud the many groups that raise sums of cash that charities could not achieve from asking individuals alone, that help sustain our LGBT charities, often expelling huge amounts of energy voluntarily. I want to encourage local LGBT charities to reach out to groups and focus on strengthening their relationships with them and I want to encourage individuals to remember when they next agree to a fundraising challenge, that LGBT charities will be needing their help more than ever.
*Journal mentioned: Macmillan, K., Money, K., Money, A., Downing, S. (2005) Relationship marketing in the not-for-profit sector: an extension and application of the commitment-trust theory, Journal of Business Research. Vol 58 p806. ** The Guardian article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/voluntary-sector-network/2012/may/24/charities-online-donation
13 Jul 2012
How to judge if your new girlfriend will treat you right
I was having a sort out of photos today on the computer. There's all the usual one's of me out and about with friends, a few family ones, lots of me with exes, a few of me posing and a collection I took of my Peace Lily plant about two years ago.
I took the images at the time because I felt like a proud mum, my Peace Lily now big and strong and flowering for the first time as it came of age and I had nurtured it along from when it was just a small delicate cutting.
Looking at these photos I remembered how my friends would joke that I was growing my own rainforest in the small studio flat I called home. Having just counted all the plants I have 12 plus 4 tomato plants on the balcony!
This got me thinking about relationships.
My passion for all that is flora has grown as I've got older along with my need to nurture and I've increasingly observed those in my life and if they have anything 'living' in their homes that they tend too.
I think how someone looks after a plant (or any living creature) in their home, is a strong sign of how they will treat you in a relationship. If they have no plants (or pets) at all, I would consider this great cause for concern. To me an incapability to care for a single plant must mean they are quite self-absorbed and selfish.
The Ex was terrible at keeping anything alive. Plant after plant died on her often from sheer thirst. Even the hardiest struggled looking lacklustre and weak, only to be defeated by the continued weeks of neglect. She always meant well, bought them with good intention but always had other priorities. Which sums up well our relationship.
I was somewhat relieved to see what looked like a healthy single plant growing in German Girlfriend's room when I first went to her home. I have at times since felt it necessary to take it off the table to give it a good soak, each time GGF trying to assure me as I do so, that she does water it... when she remembers too. GGF will openly admit she's not a planner, her actions impromtu, leaving both her plant and me treated in an adhoc manner.
And yes, my over zealousness with my plants could be implied to mean that I'm meticulous and a complete fusspot - which for some would be completely annoying traits.
So the next time you meet a girl and you go to her place for the first time, don't concern yourself with her music collection or book shelf, but take a good look at her plants and how they seem treated. Ask yourself if what you see is acceptable for you.
Looking at these photos I remembered how my friends would joke that I was growing my own rainforest in the small studio flat I called home. Having just counted all the plants I have 12 plus 4 tomato plants on the balcony!
This got me thinking about relationships.
My passion for all that is flora has grown as I've got older along with my need to nurture and I've increasingly observed those in my life and if they have anything 'living' in their homes that they tend too.
I think how someone looks after a plant (or any living creature) in their home, is a strong sign of how they will treat you in a relationship. If they have no plants (or pets) at all, I would consider this great cause for concern. To me an incapability to care for a single plant must mean they are quite self-absorbed and selfish.
The Ex was terrible at keeping anything alive. Plant after plant died on her often from sheer thirst. Even the hardiest struggled looking lacklustre and weak, only to be defeated by the continued weeks of neglect. She always meant well, bought them with good intention but always had other priorities. Which sums up well our relationship.
I was somewhat relieved to see what looked like a healthy single plant growing in German Girlfriend's room when I first went to her home. I have at times since felt it necessary to take it off the table to give it a good soak, each time GGF trying to assure me as I do so, that she does water it... when she remembers too. GGF will openly admit she's not a planner, her actions impromtu, leaving both her plant and me treated in an adhoc manner.
And yes, my over zealousness with my plants could be implied to mean that I'm meticulous and a complete fusspot - which for some would be completely annoying traits.
So the next time you meet a girl and you go to her place for the first time, don't concern yourself with her music collection or book shelf, but take a good look at her plants and how they seem treated. Ask yourself if what you see is acceptable for you.
12 Jul 2012
Lesbians + Internet dating = Removal vans
I've noticed a not all together recent phenomenon but definitely something that increasingly seems to be occurring with more frequency amongst my lesbian mates and within social circles.
This story starts with your friend's current relationship ending.
Then they feel lonely and like they're the only one not coupled up...
So they turn to the internet to seek rainbow love on-line...
But as I pointed out previously in The appeal of the internet when lesbian dating, the appeal is that on-line you can meet a whole load of lesbians from across the UK that haven't set foot in a lesbian bar since their inaugural coming out declaration.
And so... fast forward... a couple of weeks - this is lesbians we're talking about!
They find someone they connect with, but instant messaging isn't enough for all the estrogen, dopamine and norepinephrine being produced by this exchange. Internet dating progresses to 3 hour daily phone calls and mutual stalker-like texting throughout the day and night, quickly followed by weekly trips (sometimes hundreds of miles) to see each other, with depths-of-despair that verge on mourning when the weekend's over and Monday arrives.
You as the friend are discarded, the internet your curse, as weekend's are now for one purpose only... Of course there's only one ending to this story as I am experiencing only too well and as all fairytale stories of love must end...
How does the lesbian joke go... you know, the one about the second date?
This story starts with your friend's current relationship ending.
Then they feel lonely and like they're the only one not coupled up...
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| Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton |
So they turn to the internet to seek rainbow love on-line...
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| Photo by yêllow.bïrd |
But as I pointed out previously in The appeal of the internet when lesbian dating, the appeal is that on-line you can meet a whole load of lesbians from across the UK that haven't set foot in a lesbian bar since their inaugural coming out declaration.
And so... fast forward... a couple of weeks - this is lesbians we're talking about!
They find someone they connect with, but instant messaging isn't enough for all the estrogen, dopamine and norepinephrine being produced by this exchange. Internet dating progresses to 3 hour daily phone calls and mutual stalker-like texting throughout the day and night, quickly followed by weekly trips (sometimes hundreds of miles) to see each other, with depths-of-despair that verge on mourning when the weekend's over and Monday arrives.
You as the friend are discarded, the internet your curse, as weekend's are now for one purpose only... Of course there's only one ending to this story as I am experiencing only too well and as all fairytale stories of love must end...
How does the lesbian joke go... you know, the one about the second date?
29 Jun 2012
The New Girlfriend Gets Upgraded
The weekend before last, The New Girlfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary together by heading over to Berlin for their annual (Pride) Lesbian and Gay Street Festival. It was a perfect way to celebrate our relationship and mark the last 12 months together. We bought each other gifts too whilst there - The New Girlfriend bought me a pretty necklace of blue beads (blue is my favourite colour) and I bought her a large mug (hand-made!) for her morning coffee - which I insist on pointing out she was equally delighted with!
Even with my 'committed' relationship status though I still don't seem to experience the usual traits of 'lesbian coupledom'. When asking The New Girlfriend what should I do if The Flatmate moves out at the end of the tenancy, The New Girlfriend stated simply "You'll just have to get a new flatmate". So there won't be any removal vans turning up anytime soon!
The New Girlfriend also likes her own space to chill out alone or catch up with friends but then I also like a lot of time to myself to do my own projects such as blogging here on IOASN. Many of the lesbian relationships I see taking place with friends would be far too claustrophobic and intense for me to be comfortable in. I guess me and the The New Girlfriend have that in common with each other, even if not with other lesbian couples.
Since we celebrated our first anniversary a number of friends have commented that The New Girlfriend is, well, not so new anymore and she needs an upgrade on IOASN. So I've been pondering and The New Girlfriend said she 'hopes it's nice' (?????). So after some thought and based on The New Girlfriend being German and therefore known to most already as 'German ........' which she doesn't seem to take offence at, I've decided to update The New Girlfriend to *drumroll please* .......
..........the 'German Girlfriend' or 'GGF' for short.
I know not very exciting, but now that's not a usual anniversary gift for most girls!
Even with my 'committed' relationship status though I still don't seem to experience the usual traits of 'lesbian coupledom'. When asking The New Girlfriend what should I do if The Flatmate moves out at the end of the tenancy, The New Girlfriend stated simply "You'll just have to get a new flatmate". So there won't be any removal vans turning up anytime soon!
The New Girlfriend also likes her own space to chill out alone or catch up with friends but then I also like a lot of time to myself to do my own projects such as blogging here on IOASN. Many of the lesbian relationships I see taking place with friends would be far too claustrophobic and intense for me to be comfortable in. I guess me and the The New Girlfriend have that in common with each other, even if not with other lesbian couples.
Since we celebrated our first anniversary a number of friends have commented that The New Girlfriend is, well, not so new anymore and she needs an upgrade on IOASN. So I've been pondering and The New Girlfriend said she 'hopes it's nice' (?????). So after some thought and based on The New Girlfriend being German and therefore known to most already as 'German ........' which she doesn't seem to take offence at, I've decided to update The New Girlfriend to *drumroll please* .......
..........the 'German Girlfriend' or 'GGF' for short.
I know not very exciting, but now that's not a usual anniversary gift for most girls!
14 Jun 2012
Lesbian Obession with Men and Sex
"You've never slept with a man have you?" The Flatmate asks reconfirming what she's heard.
This conversation started because The Flatmate and I were discussing a woman we knew having a very masculine like attitude at times.
"No" I confirm. "I am a 'Gold Star' lesbian," or 'thoroughbred' which is the new modern term (Stallion for boys).
"Not even touched 'it'?! she now questions, wanting specifics on what exactly I have and haven't done with a man.
"No" I state blandly, completely uninterested in this now developing conversation thread.
"But you've had boyfriends?" she frowns perplexed
"Yes, but I came out quite young" I point out.
"And you never had sex at all in any form" she persists.
"No" I repeat.
Satisfied about my 'Gold Star' status, conversation moves on. But this type of enquiry and conversation around who came out when and our history of heterosexual relationships with men is not uncommon within a lesbian group or among friends.
It's weird how as lesbians, we're all quite un-interested in lesbian sex with many considering companionship and the state of their relationship outside of the sheets more important, quite happily letting 'lesbian bed death' occur after the first initial months. Yet lesbians seem preoccupied and rather obsessed about any form of sex involving men.
Just as the conversation with The Flatmate demonstrated, amongst a social circle of friends we'll all know who's had boyfriends in their past, the longest relationship with a man and even when their last heterosexual relationship was or like me, who are the 'thoroughbred' lesbians. However, we often know very little about each others girlfriend history unless we've had direct experience whilst being friends. This conversation started because The Flatmate and I were discussing a woman we knew having a very masculine like attitude at times.
"No" I confirm. "I am a 'Gold Star' lesbian," or 'thoroughbred' which is the new modern term (Stallion for boys).
"Not even touched 'it'?! she now questions, wanting specifics on what exactly I have and haven't done with a man.
"No" I state blandly, completely uninterested in this now developing conversation thread.
"But you've had boyfriends?" she frowns perplexed
"Yes, but I came out quite young" I point out.
"And you never had sex at all in any form" she persists.
"No" I repeat.
Satisfied about my 'Gold Star' status, conversation moves on. But this type of enquiry and conversation around who came out when and our history of heterosexual relationships with men is not uncommon within a lesbian group or among friends.
It's weird how as lesbians, we're all quite un-interested in lesbian sex with many considering companionship and the state of their relationship outside of the sheets more important, quite happily letting 'lesbian bed death' occur after the first initial months. Yet lesbians seem preoccupied and rather obsessed about any form of sex involving men.
Lesbian's do not just have an obsession with the men in each others lives, as it extends to an obsession with whether our sexual practises are similar to that of heterosexual sex, especially with the use of toys. I've had girls reject any type of penetration and say no to the use of any type of dildo linking it to 'emulating men' and heterosexual identity. The sex survey by Diva magazine got girls all heated over the issue on their Facebook page with camps firmly split between those who refuse to use toys in the bedroom and those who do...
Then there's bisexuality which gets lesbians even hotter for all the wrong reasons; hearing a lesbian say 'I won't date a bisexual' is probably one of the most heard statements within the community. Again lesbians obsessing about men and sex, confusing bisexuality with polyamory or non-monogamy in the process. Whilst those who identify as transgender have equally felt excluded and isolated out by the hatred and prejudice from lesbians.
Then there are lesbians who do still sleep with men for a multitude of potentially complex reasons; a complete taboo in the lesbian community. Admit to this as a lesbian, you could find your sexuality questioned, yourself isolated from your friends and shunned from your friendship groups. The level of venom expressed again on the Diva magazine Facebook page about the subject forced me to respond...
Then there are lesbians who do still sleep with men for a multitude of potentially complex reasons; a complete taboo in the lesbian community. Admit to this as a lesbian, you could find your sexuality questioned, yourself isolated from your friends and shunned from your friendship groups. The level of venom expressed again on the Diva magazine Facebook page about the subject forced me to respond...
It's interesting to me that (for whatever reasons) I've noticed just how obsessed lesbians are with men and sex, whether that be talking about it in relation to our pasts and establishing our sexual identity with peers, distancing ourselves from any perceived 'emulation' within our present and rejecting those whose identity is still intertwined with men and sex with men.
What perplexes me further is that despite this 'obsession-rejection'of men, lesbians will obsessively watch 22 men run around a football pitch and hibernate for the Euro 2012 to do so! Go figure?!
10 Jun 2012
Why do lesbians like football?
I'm yawning, the cat's yawning and the New Girlfriend is gripped to the TV watching 22 men kick a white ball. It can only mean one thing, the Euro 2012 football has started and Germany are playing Portugal. It's Saturday night and I'm being made to sit through 90 minutes of the most male dominated testosterone driven sport in the world.
I have never understood the lesbian obsession with football. Why are gay women so into watching 22 (mostly ugly) men run around a pitch chasing a white ball and on occasion acting like cry-babies just so they can get a penalty shot?
I absolutely hate football. I hate it because of all it represents - the gender inequality that exists in society with women's football not even shown on TV, even though the England Women's team is ranked ninth in the world (the England Men's team ranked seventh), the fact that David Beckham earns £26.2m compared to Faye White, England's female captain who earns a measly £16,000, despite both having very similar success records in their football careers, and the fact that the FA is an all-male dominated hierarchy.
It's not even as if the men who play this sport act as good role models (yes, I am going to generalise!) Open up any paper, and invariably there's a story about these high paid footballer's behaviour off pitch that's less than desirable; on a relatively frequent basis stories about rape, abuse, sex scandals or just downright disrespect towards wannabe WAG's. I've not even touched on all the other issues (like homophobia)!
I just do not get why lesbian's would choose to watch and support such a situation. Why and how they can enjoy it so much that venture out to the local dyke bar, the venue will have the football on the big screen otherwise they risk having very low if any customers (except me of course)!
I just don't get it. May be you can explain?
I have never understood the lesbian obsession with football. Why are gay women so into watching 22 (mostly ugly) men run around a pitch chasing a white ball and on occasion acting like cry-babies just so they can get a penalty shot?
I absolutely hate football. I hate it because of all it represents - the gender inequality that exists in society with women's football not even shown on TV, even though the England Women's team is ranked ninth in the world (the England Men's team ranked seventh), the fact that David Beckham earns £26.2m compared to Faye White, England's female captain who earns a measly £16,000, despite both having very similar success records in their football careers, and the fact that the FA is an all-male dominated hierarchy.
It's not even as if the men who play this sport act as good role models (yes, I am going to generalise!) Open up any paper, and invariably there's a story about these high paid footballer's behaviour off pitch that's less than desirable; on a relatively frequent basis stories about rape, abuse, sex scandals or just downright disrespect towards wannabe WAG's. I've not even touched on all the other issues (like homophobia)!
I just do not get why lesbian's would choose to watch and support such a situation. Why and how they can enjoy it so much that venture out to the local dyke bar, the venue will have the football on the big screen otherwise they risk having very low if any customers (except me of course)!
I just don't get it. May be you can explain?
18 May 2012
A typical Lesbian Scene
I had three birthday cards to buy and so was browsing the isles of the entire card shop.
'OH MY GOD! That is such a lesbian card!'
"This card is suitable for so many situations" the cashier tells me as I hand over my purchase. "It's brilliant, so brilliant I'm going to write a blog about it" I tell him.
The cashier was right, suitable for so many situations:
'OH MY GOD! That is such a lesbian card!'
"This card is suitable for so many situations" the cashier tells me as I hand over my purchase. "It's brilliant, so brilliant I'm going to write a blog about it" I tell him.
As a CRF (find out what this is in a previous post here), I have been in this situation so many times as a lesbian with my mantra for many years being, 'lesbians always come in pairs - don't let it stop you.'
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| Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton |
The cashier was right, suitable for so many situations:
'Congratulations on your civil partnership'
'Sorry to hear about your break-up'
'Welcome to single lesbian life'
'Please don't break up with me...'
Or feeling bitter, send it to your ex girlfriend/wife:
'This will be you!'
'Congratulations on your new girlfriend'
'Enjoy your divorce!'
'Congratulations on your new girlfriend'
'Enjoy your divorce!'
Yes, the perfect lesbian card.
Can you think of any other captions this is appropriate for?
2 May 2012
You're Not My Kind Of Girl
The first thing I want to find out about you when it comes to love, even when I browse dating sites is your star sign because there are star signs I like to avoid. Not because of what the astrologers say about how well we might or might not match but because I think there are associated character traits which I've come to learn through previous painful experience that do not mix well with my own.
"That's stupid!" You may well question, but then we all do this in different forms: 'She's blond, I like brunettes', 'She's butch, I like femmes', She's too tall and she's too broad', 'She's too this, and not enough that' - the list we have in search for 'the one' are often endless.
It was rather refreshing when my friends picked The New Girlfriend on my behalf. The astrologers clearly state it's a match made in hell and in my own opinion she wasn't 'my type' at all, and I not hers. If I'd had the spec's sheet of 'my type' to hand, I doubt any boxes would've been ticked. Which could explain how we both have managed to live in Brighton for 12 years, our lives criss-crossing and not notice each other at all. It's not just about looks either, our lives are like polar opposites too which if left to our initial judgement of each other, meant we couldn't possibly be compatible.
"She's perfect for you", my friends assured me. "Trust us, we know better than you".
So far so good and friends were right in seeing what we couldn't with what would work well for us.
Repeatedly I see and hear my single friends closing themselves off to opportunities of meeting someone, sometimes with just a glance because of who they perceive is right or wrong for them. I feel lucky that my friends stepped in ("because you're rubbish at picking your own girlfriend's" they said) and showed me that we are not always the best judge of ourselves or of others and what's best for us.
So next time you're out looking, I suggest putting your check-list and pre-conceptions away, open yourself up to new possibilities with those you may not normally consider. Ask your most trusted friends to help you find a girlfriend and before you rush to state 'she's not my type', just think what the hell, she just may well be.
"That's stupid!" You may well question, but then we all do this in different forms: 'She's blond, I like brunettes', 'She's butch, I like femmes', She's too tall and she's too broad', 'She's too this, and not enough that' - the list we have in search for 'the one' are often endless.
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| My favourite source of advice when searching for the right girl |
It was rather refreshing when my friends picked The New Girlfriend on my behalf. The astrologers clearly state it's a match made in hell and in my own opinion she wasn't 'my type' at all, and I not hers. If I'd had the spec's sheet of 'my type' to hand, I doubt any boxes would've been ticked. Which could explain how we both have managed to live in Brighton for 12 years, our lives criss-crossing and not notice each other at all. It's not just about looks either, our lives are like polar opposites too which if left to our initial judgement of each other, meant we couldn't possibly be compatible.
"She's perfect for you", my friends assured me. "Trust us, we know better than you".
So far so good and friends were right in seeing what we couldn't with what would work well for us.
Repeatedly I see and hear my single friends closing themselves off to opportunities of meeting someone, sometimes with just a glance because of who they perceive is right or wrong for them. I feel lucky that my friends stepped in ("because you're rubbish at picking your own girlfriend's" they said) and showed me that we are not always the best judge of ourselves or of others and what's best for us.
So next time you're out looking, I suggest putting your check-list and pre-conceptions away, open yourself up to new possibilities with those you may not normally consider. Ask your most trusted friends to help you find a girlfriend and before you rush to state 'she's not my type', just think what the hell, she just may well be.
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