Male fragrances for women. What's your perfect scent?

I decided to put perfume in GGF's stocking for Christmas this year. Sounds simple enough except that GGF like many a lesbian prefers the wood and musk smells of the men's counter over the delicate floral aromas found on the women's isle.

Whilst GGF was out the house I took a rummage at her existing collection to get some idea of what she already likes.

She had an empty bottle of 'Kenzo Homme' which is my personal favourite that she wears. When GGF first bought this I described it like talcum power - which she was completely unimpressed by (and I suspect put her off it) – but to me it's got a very homely smell and love it on her, but buying it as a gift for Christmas would feel completely selfish! This has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar.

Another favourite of mine in her collection is 'Hugo Man' by Hugo Boss. This also has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar Wood like my other favourite. Ummm, a bit of a theme here.

GGF had other various Hugo Boss male scents (Pure & Boss in Motion), Clinique Happy for men, Truth by Calvin Klein and a couple of bottles of Lacoste (Cool Play & Pour Homme); GGF had never mentioned what her favourite was and despite them all running low, I decided to get her something new to try.

Approximately 33% of the female population wear men's fragrances as their preference, yet when I asked for advice on popular male fragrances for girlz in the perfume shops of Brighton (who I thought would be quite familiar with this request as I cannot possibly have been the first lesbian to visit the store asking!) I disappointingly got blank stares in return, whilst the lone male member of staff from one shop was practically quivering and kept running off to get samples from the female counter.

Ditching the (un)helpful sales staff I decided to go it alone. Luckily I had already done some research online thanks to these fab articles:

10 men's fragrances that women love - for themselves
Cologne & Perfume Guide for Queers
Xmas Gift Guide: Fragrances  - Diva magazine
Men's fragrance sales soar

Armed with this information as a long list of possibilities I headed where I could peruse the isles and just make up my own mind. After spraying numerous varieties of male cologne over myself (thankfully GGF was out for the evening otherwise this was going to be no secret!) I kept coming back to the fresh and citrus based Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme.  

... and she likes it. Phew! 

I was born this way, oh there ain't no other way...

It's been a long time since I heard someone say that lesbians and gays choose to be so, and I don't mean some Nigerian leader on a documentary by Stephen Fry, but face to face in the pub. What surprised me more was that the individual making this bold statement describes their own sexuality as lesbian and is as butch as they come. 

Somewhat speechless I jumped into defence mode of the world's LGB population, struggling to splutter out my response I was so aghast.

"How can you say that?! People spend years struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, even self harming or committing suicide because of who they are." 

I pointed out that has she not told me in the past how her family guessed she was lesbian long before she did, demonstrating it's nature that makes people gay or lesbian. 

"Why are you not going out with men and leading a straight lifestyle if it's a choice?! I ask. 

"Because I like being with women, I prefer being with women" was her matter of fact reply. 

I try to get to the bottom of what I still view as a dangerous and outrageous statement to be making so flippantly. 

I finally conclude that the point my friend is trying to make (so very badly) is that all humans are innately bisexual to a varying degree. If we lived in a Star Trek world where all preferences regardless of race, gender and species are acceptable we'd all be 'mixing it up' more. 

I disagree. I would definitely be trying to pull B'Elanna Torres, the Klingon engineer but ultimately she's still female. I do agree more of us are bisexual than what the gay or straight community would like acknowledge though. 

I don't believe we are all innately bisexual if it's about loving another person. Yes if it's just sex (and I've covered before about acknowledging and de-stigmatising lesbians who have sex with men), but there's plenty of evidence that those who try to be what they are not end up very unhappy. 

My friend ended up expressing not such a unique and shocking viewpoint albeit expressed poorly and she is right that there is stigma from both gays and straights towards bisexuality; may be as she believes, preventing more of us from both sides of the fence moving closer to the middle, however to use the words "choice" and "gay or lesbian" in the same sentence is dangerous territory.  

Growing old is feeling good

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going to be 37. Reflecting back through the decades, 37 is feeling a good year to celebrate and happily blow out the mass of candles struggling for room on the cake. I'm still feeling a comfortable distance from 40 but four decades after I arrived in the world, life has definitely become more settled and dare I say it, for fear that the Gods that like to play chess and gamble might hear - 'contented'.

Each previous decade has been marked by change and upheaval. I remember aged seven I was settling (reluctantly) into a new school in a new area following a house move by my parents. A decade later I  had recently come out to my best mate Annie and was looking forward to going to University and meeting "others like me". Aged 27 I had made the decision to leave my teaching career and plan what became a two year travel/work experience across Asia and Australasia.

In true fashion, I will be moving again shortly, not to London (where I work) as friends keep expecting me to do, but a mere mile away in the same city (Hove 'actually'!) to live with GGF in what hopefully will be the beginning of a new phase for the decades to come.

Compared to our fellow straight compatriots us lesbians generally settle down later in life. With few responsibilities lesbians can be found, way beyond any mid-life crisis and the onset of menopause quite happy to still be partying like they're 18. It may well be the case that you're as young as you feel, but even if my mind was willing, my body is definitely no longer as much.

I'll admit I'm still on the scene weekly, more than I would be otherwise if not for GGF and her mates who seem to still enjoy it, though I notice more and more of us seem to disappear like Cinderella before midnight arrives!

On occasion I will jealously look at my younger 20-something colleagues who bounce around the office full of energy every day, all day, even seemingly on hangovers, but I'm happy to accept that I no longer enjoy the things I once did: clubbing on a Saturday night, loud pubs, city centre living... spending money on beer.

Growing old is feeling good and I'm enjoying the change of pace that's occurring. I'm optimistic things will just get even better.

I think my girlfriend might be from Planet Vulcan

When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek I reckon he based the Vulcans on the German populace if my girlfriend's anything to go by. GGF takes a very logical and practical approach to all matters in life to the point where whenever I watch an episode of Enterprise, I can't help thinking how alike she is too Commander T'Pol, the Vulcan science officer!

T'Pol

So when we got onto the subject of gay marriage at the weekend triggered by something on Facebook, I was not at all surprised with how the conversation went:

"I'm not interested in getting married" GGF informs me.

"I've always liked the idea of getting married" I tell her, "or having a pagan handfasting ceremony - a public display to those who know us of our commitment and love to one another".

GGF's Vulcan side emerges.
"Only if it makes financial sense like if your money is tied together and because it gives your partner power of attorney. Then marriage makes practical sense and would be the only reason I would marry"

"What about commitment and romanticism?" I ask, somewhat disappointed that my dreams of a romantic nuptial will never materialise.

"What, running around stressed your family are going to have a big fall out and making sure everything's going to go OK? Being in a relationship IS commitment, isn't that enough?!"

Whilst GGF is uninterested in any form of commitment ceremony and therefore takes little interest in whether civil partnerships or same-sex marriage is allowed, I'm firmly in support of the same-sex marriage bill being implemented giving us equal rights reflected in an equal law and allowing those who believe in a God, the right to have their love acknowledged in a church ceremony.

I would never marry for just practical reasons but because my heart wants it so. Thankfully just as T'Pol is praised for her tolerance of emotional and irrational humans to be the longest serving Vulcan officer on a human ship, so too does GGF tolerate my rather more soppy side.  Maybe in time I can bring out her soppy side too!

Vulcans by the way have only arranged marriages often decided during their childhood.

May be not me, but I'm a firm
supporter of the right to marry.

Is it a lesbian party or dog school?!

The sun's shining, there are signs of spring and lesbians are coming out from hibernation. If you want a party or BBQ you can guarantee at this time of year, there's a lesbian get together somewhere near you. 

However if you've been invited along you'll discover that there's lots of new additions to the party. No, I'm not talking a baby boom in the lesbian populace (just yet!) but I am talking dogs. There's been an explosion of puppy parenting in Brighton and whilst this is good news for the animal shelters (shame on you otherwise!), depending on your viewpoint this could be good or bad news for any BBQ you've got planned as you'll need to keep hold of your pint and your sausage. 

Not content with one dog, it's common to find lesbian households with two or three. Times that by multiple lesbian households at your party and even the most popular of girls will find our four legged friends are outnumbering our human ones! I've noticed that one friend has even put a restriction of "one dog per person" for her upcoming get together to control their number before it gets out of hand. 

It seems that lesbians are ditching cats in favour of being dog lovers, and just like human nurseries, you can find lots of obsessive parenting with shared doggy tales around the camp fire, as well as helpful and empathetic tips and advice when your Bruno the Bull Terrier goes ballistic because Sandy the Staff has stolen his ball.  

If you're allergic to dog hair or not a dog lover, or actually just want to chat about something other than dogs, you've been warned, this may be a summer you prefer to sit out. 

The dogs will be looking to have just as much fun as you!
Copyright Whiskers Resort. 

A lesbian man-crush

This Saturday I'm off to London with the GGF for the David Bowie exhibition at the V&A museum. GGF loves Bowie. Her best friend who loves Bowie is coming too.

Even my best mate, who's not coming on Saturday loves Bowie and has a painting of him adorning her living room wall,

“He's the only man I would marry” she's told me in the past. I presume she means if he was in his formative years.

Bowie is a classic example of a “man-crush”. Men that are adored and loved by gay women. I look at the painting on my friend's wall and wonder what it is that has these lesbians and others like them adoring him? May be the V&A exhibition will give me some insight.

I've got a man-crush on Dermot O'Leary and eagerly await X-Factor every year just so I get to enjoy his company every Saturday and Sunday night. To me he comes across as the perfect gent, a nice guy, my perception of the perfect man – qualities I want in my female partners actually. I'd be devastated if I was to discover that he's actually an absolute b*****d.

Whilst Lady Morgana the evil High Priestess with her bad ass attitude from Merlin has me dribbling profusely in the world of fantasy, it's Legolas, the Elf Warrior in Lord of the Rings I go weak at the knees over - I just can't resist his long flowing blond hair and cute pointy ears.

Other popular man-crushes by lesbians are David Beckham, Professor Bryan Cox, Daniel Craig and Brad Pitt (I particularly liked him as Louis de Pointe du Lac, the Louisiana vampire in Interview with the Vampire).

Do you have a man-crush you'd like to share? May be you can explain what it is about particular guys that lesbians just love?

Fingers crossed David Bowie makes an appearance tomorrow (Mr B - 12 noon please!) Not only will that put me firmly in first place as the best girlfriend ever (as I bought the tickets for GGF's birthday) but I can ask Bowie directly about his man-crush status.

Which lesbian icon are you like?

Brighton LGBT Pride which takes place on August 3rd have announced this years theme as 'gay icons'. On hearing this it immediately made me think of my girlfriend who's obsessed with David Bowie and will be cheering the loudest for any parade entry with a Ziggy theme. It might even inspire her to dress up with his iconic flash for the occasion too. My face paints are at the ready!

Gay icons is a great theme to get us all excited this year. Synonymous with the LGBT community we've all got a love of someone from the glitzy diva's we like to emulate to the sports personalities we admire.

It's also a great theme because gay icons are allies or those who are out and proud - those who have stood up publicly for LGBT rights, equality for all and challenged those who have been against us. With the equal marriage Bill currently being debated in the Houses of Parliament and LGBT bullying in schools at the forefront of major campaigns to tackle the issue; celebrating and acknowledging those that publicly stick up for us whether gay or straight is a powerful and important message.

Pink is a popular icon for lesbians

Whilst names like Martina Navratilova, Claire Balding, Jane Lynch and Pink immediately spring to my mind as great lesbian icons, I did a quick Google search to see who else we might see represented in the parade. It will be particularly interesting to see the generational differences for people's icon choices.

Instead I got distracted by a 'Which Lesbian Icon Are you?' quiz on the website AfterEllen. They'd identified the following as key (American) lesbian icons: Gertrude Stein, Wander Sykes, Ellen Degeneres, Rachel Maddow, Peppermint Patty, Martina Navratiova, Xena Warrior Princess and Melissa Etheridge. Half of these I've no idea who they are! After 12 questions about my personality, life style and contributions to the LGBT community it announces my result declaring me akin to gay icon Rachel Maddow, an American television host, political commentator, and author.

Which LGBT icon will you be eager to see and who do you think you're most like?

Can we ever be a united LGBT community again?

It wasn't long ago that I was writing about what it was like to work for an LGBT organisation. Two years on and I'm still in the charity sector but now at a non-LGBT organisation in London where I am the only 'out' lesbian (although not the only gay member of staff). This week I posted the following onto Facebook as a result of a comment made by my manager earlier in the day:

 What ensued was a stream of comments from gay friends, straight friends and family with their opinions on why I questioned it as a problem and if it was a problem at all. Whilst my knowledge of how embedded 'that's so gay' has become in the English language could almost excuse the naivety of family and straight friends on the matter who would require 'educating', I was shocked at some of the responses of my LGBT friends. One lesbian friend even commented that “I should get a grip” if I felt that offended by its use.

The Brighton Pride theme for this year is gay icons. A common quality of a gay icon is someone who has given support to LGBT rights, advocating equal rights and in many cases speaking out against those in opposition. So I find it ironic that as an LGBT community we cannot agree on what those rights should be, what equality is for us and what constitutes prejudice and homo/transphobia and in this case what language is not OK in the workplace.

Once upon a time the community was united with the AIDS epidemic and Abolition of Section 28. But as the same sex marriage bill is debated in the House of Commons by the Bill Committee, so too is it debated amongst those who are LGBT with many questioning why we need it – wasn't the legal rights provided by civil partnerships enough?

For me I'm on the side of those continuing to push for what I believe to be full equality, un-accepting that what we have currently is equal rights. Equally, I will never accept “that's so gay” as a development of the English language for me to tolerate and will challenge anyone, colleague, family member or friend, gay or straight that thinks otherwise. I will be recommending to my employers they do the same, may be with the help of clarification from LGBT advocate Ash Beckham (excellent video):





I always thought that homophobic and transphobic bullying in schools was at least something we, as an LGBT community were united about. But with some expecting me to 'get over it' when gay derogatory language is used in the workplace as an adult; when gay derogatory language is common place within schools and the root of LGBT bullying, it seems even on this subject we are a community divided.    

Love will set you free - or will it?!

German Girlfriend was away again for this years Valentine's Day – last year she headed off to snow topped slopes and this year she's headed off for sun, sea and sand. Having started a new job in London, I wasn't in a position to go with her.

Love was definitely in the air at work– there were a number of deliveries of red roses in the office, one of my colleagues left early to have fun with her beau whilst others described the things they had planned for their romantic evening and bolted for the exit when the clock struck five.

I attempted to block it all out as just another day. Cynical GGF did attempt to send me an e-card, knowing I would want something being more of a romantic than herself but it didn't work, with neither technology nor romance her forte.

Despite my efforts Valentine's was hard with the girlfriend away but then she's not into it anyway; her absence about how little she rates it. It summed up to me though, how emotional love can be for the wrong reasons.

My former boss once commented to me “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”.

Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable.

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given.

I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from other causes. My heart felt broken when GGF went away – I had to keep reminding myself she was coming back and I wasn't dumped!

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence.

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

Today at work a colleague asked if I'd swap my brain for a robot one if I could – giving me super intelligence.

“Like the Borg in Star Trek?” I asked. “Or Data?”

I pondered his question seriously, as the idea had some appeal.

“But then I'd have no emotions.” I say realising how much these actually, good or bad, make us who we are. “I'm not sure I want to be emotionless. The Borg were mean – I wouldn't want to be like that and even Data developed an emotion chip he believed it so necessary!”

Living up to the label Part 2

I'm pleased to say that I completed the half-marathon in 2hrs 58mins for the Sussex Beacon. Hurrah! I learned a lot about myself today, mainly that I am rubbish (mentally) at endurance challenges and are unlikely to ever run a full marathon, which had been on my bucket-list until today.

Finish line in sight. Can you see the relief on my face! 

Some of the Bear Patrol who ran in the Half Marathon today

It was an experience I am pleased to have dedicated and pushed myself through, but feel no inclination to repeat. Seems I've just proved that as a lesbian I don't fit the 'sporty dyke' stereotype or label either!

Living up to a label when failing the prerequisites

This weekend I'm running in the Brighton Half-Marathon as a result of a crazy moment last year when I thought that setting myself some challenges might be good for my soul.

Of course having been forced to train in bitter winter temperatures and against icy on-shore winds; the half-marathon now a mere day away, the idea of running 13.2 miles on Sunday for a healthy soul leaves me thinking that more sedate challenges in the future might suffice.

I'm running as part of the Bear-Patrol team, a community fundraising group who raise money for the Sussex Beacon, an HIV inpatient unit and specialist service provision. Hanging out with gay “Bears” apparently makes me a “Beaver”.

In the post 'The lesbian checklist', I described how I had failed many of the prerequisites of a “lesbian” label: no ownership of a checked shirt, no knowledge of how to get a BBQ going, the Channel 4 ‘Gay-O-Meter’ mocking me as a “straight acting girl”, the 'femme test' at Pride failing me as “Oh dear”. Now I have been christened with a new label which is as butch as they come.

Beavers are adept at DIY after all, capable of building their own 'lodge' and delux swimming pool! Their skills with building materials as renowned as a butch lesbian!

Labels can feel somewhat of a burden, with stereotypes whether we like them or not giving us plenty of fodder to jest and joke at each other with amongst our LGBT peers, especially when we don't fit them.

As I am determined to finish the course and not fail for the team tomorrow or my soul, being a 'Beaver' that's butch without the accompanying stereotype skills necessary, might just be a label I'm successful at! 

Quick to critique - classic lesbian 'knocking it'

Yesterday I met up with The Ex for lunch whom, after a two year split of wound healing I'm now good friends with.

"Are you going to this new lesbian night later?" she asks.

"Oh, is that tonight? Not sure" I admit, less than enthusiastically. "You know what these nights can be like - either absolutely brilliant with a great vibe where you can have a good catch up with everyone or absolutely shite with comatose lesbians getting into arguments with each other!"

The Ex points out to me I'm doing the classic lesbian thing of 'knocking it' before it's even happened and it's no wonder lesbian nights struggle to get off the ground. I hang my head, because she's right.

I take my hat off to anyone that organises and tries anything solely aimed at a lesbian audience. We're a fickle bunch that are hard to please and quick to critique, with the success of a lesbian night often less about what the organisers do, and more about the mental and emotional state that lesbians go out with. In a community where everyone know's everyone, all you need are a couple of fall-outs and recent break-ups or affairs to have happened to change the whole atmosphere of a venue. Asked by friends once what I would do differently for a lesbian night, my answer was simple - I wouldn't organise a lesbian 'anything'! It's a brave soul who's not risk averse that does.

I decide that since I've become somewhat of a homebody of late (thanks to my beautiful new dining room table) and risk becoming a stay-at-home lesbian with her cats that no-one sees for years, going out and socially engaging with others in a lesbian venue would be healthy for me.

As it was I had a good night with friends, caught up with people I'd not seen for an age, the woman The Ex had an affair with kept out of eyeshot and there didn't seem any bad vibe's going on generally with others or were very contained if there was!


The motto of this story being 'don't be quick to (pre) judge a lesbian event or night'!

Gay babies - changing the way we converse

Last night I watched a short lesbian film called ‘Birthday’ about two women who had one child together from insemination about eight years ago and wished for a second. It turns out that the to-be birth mother fed up with the turkey-baster approach ineffectively working has slept with the sperm donor to conceive much to the disapproval of her wife.

It reminded me of a birthday gathering last weekend where babies once again were the familiar topic of conversation, despite the group being gay men and women. One of the lesbian couples there were in the process of trying for a baby and my gay mate (the birthday boy) quietly whispered to me later ‘They asked me – but I said no!’

Babies came up again a few days later at an LGBT networking event, when another gay mate jokingly commented that ‘he had never been asked to be a donor – and wondered what was wrong!?’

His tongue in cheek comment a response to an increasingly familiar subject matter that were once the realm of heterosexuals but are now definitely a part of gay life – marriage, babies, children, schools - topics we all agreed at the networking event which made straight parties boring.

Mixed friendship groups of lesbians and gays has become akin to a family planning clinic where wombs and sperm are up for bartering over during a night out. I find it sad that it’s come to this – where friendship means the inevitable question will be asked with girls propositioning their male mates and male mates getting personal with their female friends. New friendships are made with the undertone of sussing each other out for potential shared parenthood, whilst other friendships are lost when your sperm or womb is pronounced as ‘not available’.

As an ever increasing number successfully make the move into parenthood or seek it, they are re-shaping the relationship between the gay community and the lesbian community, the way we socialise, engage and converse and where marriage, babies, children and schools are now a part of that.