The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette

A friend of mind tells me she’s been invited to a party of a lesbian that’s super-rich. The sort that owns a global company, a private plane and no worries about needing an overdraft anytime in the near future. 

“Um, I’m not sure about going... it clashes with other things I’ve already arranged”, she tells me.

I tell her that we have to go; other arrangements will have to wait. “If I’m going to be rich, I have to meet a rich lesbian and they are few and far between! This is an opportunity that neither of us can afford to miss.”

Go to any hospital or school and the building’s full of them – lesbians that is – and poor ones. They love the council too, very stable you see.  Risk and lesbian do not go together, unless you’re talking extreme sports, but when our prime motivation is building a nest, we’re looking for security and stability and that means ‘public sector’.  Yes, if you were to poll us, most will be working long hours in the caring state sector professions for a wage that’s not going to put millions in the bank. So the opportunity to meet a party of potentially ‘rich’ lesbians I was not going to pass up, when they are in the minority.

Lesbians generally are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. Dogs operate as packs and so do us girls. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls. Just like a wolf pack, within these tight knit groups are women that have earned a rank in a linear hierarchy and within which there is intense loyalty. There’s always an ‘alpha’ couple, a ‘beta’ individual who is the second in command (often the best friend), and the lowest rank is the ‘omega’. This individual is often on the fringe of the group, not always invited to the party.  

If you have been booted out of a friendship circle, you date someone of position within another.  If you are an omega girl, you have ‘sexual relations’ with someone of a higher rank to improve your position. If you’re a party animal, you need to be marrying the alpha girl. 

The lesbian world is an intricate society based on formalities, hierarchies and rituals. To be invited to all the social functions and an eligible bachelorette, what you need is a good position. I look forward to seeing how I get on at the ‘rich girls’ party with an empty wallet and an omega position. As they say, the only way is up – hopefully on both counts!

The Modern Soft Butch - A Biebian?

Last week I watched the latest episode of Glee (series 2, episode 13) where Sam decides that rock and roll in the form of teen singing sensation Justin Bieber will secure the heart of his girlfriend Quinn, who he fears he is losing.  In his transformation as the one man band ‘The Justin Bieber Experience’, he states that ‘hair is step one’. 

Sam goes on to sing ‘Baby’ at the Glee Club, leaving me with the song as a permanent fixture in my head for the remainder of the week, Quinn thinking he’s super cool and Sue Sylvester declaring ‘I’ve got to get that girl on the Cheerios!’

Saturday night at the local dyke bar and I turn to my mates for moral support of the torture I have been suffering. But they point out to me that Bieber fever has inflicted the lesbian community, as they now find themselves sharing the same style trend as an adolescent boy. Biebians surround me sporting that familiar comb over haircut, the trademark of the 17 year old prodigy. 

I return home to Google. I discover it’s a global epidemic effecting the lesbian population. There's a whole website dedicated to Biebians. Who was first I wanted to know. Were lesbians sad enough to be Bieberites?! Or had lesbians set the trend that Bieber followed?

As I research further, it’s clear that lesbians don't have a Justin Bieber haircut. Justin Bieber has a lesbian haircut! Dani Shay, a biebian music artist has even written a song about her mini-me and how she was there first!

Just walking up the high street you now see butch lez girlz zhooshing their hair from shop window reflections to ensure that accuate fringe sweep is in place and perfect.  The diesel dyke style of shaved or short spikey hair has diminished to be replaced by an androgynous modern soft butch.

Unfortunately the outcome for us femmes, is it is now easy to get confused between a sexy dyke and a pubescent boy!

Talk Till Death Do Us Part

Yahoo ‘Lifestyle’ recently posted up an article titled ‘Are you telling your partner a little bit too much?’ I immediately thought that lesbians could learn a thing or two from this. Have you noticed how lesbians will stay up all night talking, talking, talking about their relationship, and I don’t mean to their mate down the pub!

It's no wonder lesbian couples don't go out much and suffer from lesbian bed death; too busy depressing each other with an incessant analysis of their relationship, each other, emotions and feelings.  Every mineute detail covered until you’ve both exhausted yourselves and just want to go to sleep, or it’s escalated into an argument but which neither of you are now completely sure what about.

It drove me crazy in my last relationship. Talking about every intsy winsy thing until, just like matter under a microscope, as you look closer and closer all that’s left is air and a feeling of emptiness and space.  As the article points out, ‘this kind of endless verbosity is so boring and passion-numbing that you risk ending up as friends rather than lovers’. How many lesbian couples do we know that break up because ‘they’ve become friends’.

Even in Sex and the City (Season 4, Episode 5) Samantha experiences the frustration of this with Maria, her girlfriend. She first mentions it in the bath, “All we ever do is lie in the bath and talk about feelings.” Her annoyance grows when they go out and Maria insists on more verbal expression from Samantha, 

Why have you not told these nobody that you are with somebody now?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi, this is my lesbian lover. PS, I'm done with dick?"
Who said anything about dick? - I was talking about our relationship.
Of course you were.
Do you miss the dick? Is that what this is all about? It's OK to tell me. We should talk about this.
More talking?!
OK. I'll talk- How many men have you been with? - How many women have you been with?
Why are we even talking about this?
Why are you so afraid to talk?

Finally Samantha, bored and frustrated with all the talking replacing their once exciting sexual activity has had enough.

 Samantha, I’m with you on this one.

We Don't Do Double Figures

Last night over pizza, I caught up on the events of life with my straight mate.  Eventually the conversation turns to our love lives and the latest in our search for Mr and Ms Right respectively. 

She talked about the guy who was treating her right but was rubbish in bed, another which was amazing in bed but didn’t want any commitment, and a guy at her gym she had her eyes on. Whilst I talked about my departing ex, recent frolics and a girl I really liked, whose signals seemed to suggest the same, but who was now saying something different.

I wondered out loud if the girl in question had been warned off. After all, the lesbian world seems to operate on a scale equivalent to a child’s paddling pool; it’s easy to build up ‘history’, which lesbians then seem to enjoy sharing in a ‘This is Your Life’ scenario whenever there’s a prime opportunity. 

My mate sympathised that it must be hard in a small community when your antics are public knowledge, even if just on the grapevine. After all, her latest ‘Mr Wrong’ was her 20th sexual partner, but less than the conquests of her peer group of straight girls. 

I’ve been out since I was a teenager. I’m what’s known in the lesbian dictionary as a ‘thoroughbred’ ie: I’ve only ever slept with girls. This early start when others were still in the closet plus a willingness to have casual sex, means I've got notches on the bed post in double figures. But it was clear I am lagging behind fellow straight girls the same age as me when it comes to sexual scores. 

This surprised me, because I often feel that the number of girls I have slept with, (and many of them from Brighton) is not always a positive thing. When your mates are ringing you from the gay bar to warn you there’s enough of your ex’s in the place to hold a party, it makes you nervous about what the future girl of your dreams will think, what impression someone will be giving of you, and whether you’ve earned a reputation (unwillingly) that will scare her off.

I think it’s unusual for a gay girl to have lots of sexual partners; we don’t really do one night stands (see ‘The Forbidden Fruit’).  Many I know could count the girls they’ve bedded on one hand, at a push two, but rarely double figures.

A Lesbian Fetish

You’ve been dating a girl for a while now and want to move on to the next level in your relationship.  How does a gay girl demonstrate this without actually saying anything? I’m telling you, there’s no need for an expensive meal, no need for flowers or chocolates and a ring might freak her out. All you need is an open wallet and a day trip to Ikea, aka Dykea.

There’s nothing that speaks louder to our lesbian primal senses about commitment and love than engaging in this nest building activity together.  As you touch and discuss the stream lined furniture, caress the fabrics, amaze at the storage solutions and share in the delight of the latest kitchenware, her endorphins will be going into overdrive. By the time you’ve reached the check out, open wallet in hand, she’ll be practically orgasming. Your future together is assured.

But what if you’re single? What isles do gay single girls peruse to find their kindred spirit and show off their peacock feathers? You want somewhere to demonstrate that you’re a good catch; you have good taste, know quality, can colour co-ordinate and that you have style, that you have a nice home, maybe a professional job...

These girls don’t need Gaydar or Grindr.  Just head to where every gay girls fetish is displayed in technicolour array.  No I’m not talking about shelves of dildo's at the local sex store, but YES, OH YES, I am talking about...  stationary!  We love it! Like magpies we just want to surround ourselves with the cutesy pens, recycled notebooks, decorated storage boxes, the pretty funny shaped rubbers, the supersize pencils, the pretty coloured ultra thin felt tip pens, the beauty and feel of the fountain tip, the multi-coloured collections of holders and organisers and binders and dividers.

We are spoilt for choice in Brighton. We have the fabulous Clarkes and Pen to Paper on the North Laines (owned by lesbians I might add), Rymans on the High Street, Paperchase on the South Lanes, ODM on the Shoreham bypass, and now Staples in Hove. (WHSmith is deliberately excluded here!)  Enter these stationary stores and you enter lesbian heaven.  If you want to meet your one true love, just grab a basket and fill it up. Before you know it, you could be doing more amongst the isles than simply shopping!

A New Phenomenon In The Lesbian Bedroom

I want you to picture the scene. You have a woman sleeping next to you in your bed. It might be your long term partner, whom you share every night with, it might be the girl you only met yesterday at the local dyke bar. Either way, you've had a fun night of frolics and have spend glorious hours of sleep spooned together in sexual exhaustion. Now morning has arrived and light streams through the curtains, stirring you both from pleasant dreams.

The woman beside you mutters a good morning, then begins to reach across you. You think maybe she's still frisky and was so impressed with your sexual prowess she wants a second helping. Maybe she wants a hug to share in some final intimacy and morning chatter before you both get up. But wait...

it's none of those things as she reaches over and grabs... her mobile phone. And it's not just any phone either, it's an iPhone, Android or Blackberry. You hide your disappointment, knowing what this means.

I've noticed a new phenomenon seeping into the lesbian bedroom that is the new threat to cuddles, intimacy, morning sex and breakfast conversation. With mobiles more akin to mini computers, our friends and on-line life are now ever present in the bedroom with us. Even whilst getting down to it, the beeps and chimes from our little handheld devices tell us we've got incoming messages and texts from a world going on around us, pulling us away from the moment.

Morning arrives and the girl next to you is now responding to that world that's been waiting. Conversation is non existent with you, except may be your astrological stars for the day from an app she's got. You may be lying there naked, but the hand sized device is the one getting touched and fingered.

Even after getting through the texts and messages, she's now checking out Facebook - "oh", she tells you. Her mates have littered her wall apparently. "They're all meeting up for Sunday lunch in an hour". Better get up she informs you with a quick peck on the lips as she leaps out of bed.

Breaking In....To the Lesbian Scene

The lesbian scene is not for the faint hearted; at times rather reminiscent of the school playground. To break in, you've got to break out - of your comfort zone. History books speak of a sisterhood of girls, looking out for each other, but I'm not convinced it exists in the lesbian world - not in Brighton anyway.

I remember 10 years ago, struggling to get chatting to other girls in the local lesbian bar. I had just moved here. They were all in their cliques and if you approached anyone, they assumed you were chatting them up. If they weren't interested in you, there was no chance of friendship being offered.

In the end I gave up after too many nights nursing a pint with only the bar staff to talk to. I joined a youth group (I was 23) and that's how I've done it since - sports groups, church groups, walking groups and volunteering for LGBT organisation's. Now I seem to know loads of people, but I see my friends struggling, desperately wanting to get to know others, trying to strike up conversations in bars.

Is this just a girl thing? A lesbian thing? Or a Brighton thing? They say we're the 'gay' capital; does being in a gay mecca make it harder? Is it because there's so many of us we can choose to be exclusive, or is just about our own insecurities and perceptions? I remember in Plymouth where I lived previously and you got a 'hello' from someone regardless of whether you knew them or not. In Brighton any acknowledgement of your existence is only if you are known.

I'll admit I'm as much a culprit, despite my own personal experience of isolation a vivid memory. I've been out for so long and living in Brighton for over a decade now, that I often just am not interested in getting to know the 'new girls on the block'. I'm even less inclined when I'm in a relationship. When you're single, you're more open to meeting new people I find - and lesbians nearly always come in pairs.

I was lucky in that I was just young enough to be able to go to a lesbian, gay & bisexual youth group. People come to Brighton thinking it is easier here with a large scene. If you're young maybe, but those over 25, be prepared, you'll need a plan of action and willingness to step out of your comfort zone -in order to break in.

One Night Stands - The Forbidden Lesbian Fruit

It started with a text,
'Cme c how us Northerners do it. Pride, BBQ party in eve, girlz cricket Sunday'.
Whether my mate realised or not, she had mentioned the magic word - girlz. Before I agreed to come up, I asked about the local talent,
'Plenty of horny Northern lasses tht wuld b eager 2 meet a well seasoned Brighton belle'.
 I didn't need any more convincing and swiftly bought my coach tickets.

I invited another mate along  for the expectant fun and frolics on offer for the weekend. On route up with excited anticipation, topic of conversation was focused on the girls we'd done, who we wanted, whether there would be eye-candy and whether we'd pull. In my mind I had every intention to if the opportunity was there - and I planned on seeking out opportunity. My mate admitted she'd never had a one night stand and didn't know if she could. As we discussed it, she remained unconvinced about her emotions in doing the deed and the morning after.

But that's the thing. This topic can generate a discussion amongst a lesbian group with a diverse reaction, much disapproval and in some cases judgement. Personally I like one night stands. I love sex, I love women, I love their bodies. I love the chase, I love the flirting and I love leaving them satisfied and wanting more. I love it that my antics make my friends cry with laughter and I've always got a story to tell. I've met wonderful interesting women (who then go on to be friends) through shagging them and getting to know each other over the morning coffee.

I've had others challenge me that it's just 'loveless sex', yet I've had more heartless/loveless sex within a relationship. Everyone knows about lesbian bed death where couples merely go through the motions, with very little love involved.

My mate tells me she can only have sex with someone she's going to have a relationship with. I guess just as the joke goes that lesbians move in on the second date, equally sleeping together on the first makes you a relationship!

But that sort of pressure is exactly what would have me running from the situation as soon as dawn had broken. I have no issues with having relationships and I'm not avoiding commitment - far from it. May be that's it really; I take who I give my heart to as a serious matter and that cannot be judged from one night together.

But why is it still that having a reputation like Shane from L Word is attractive, because we all want to be like her or be the one that tames her, but not someone you would actually become or want a relationship with? Why is it that gay girls find it hard to say 'thank you' and 'goodbye'? Is it our genetic make-up, or is it culture that shapes us? Men are seen as experienced studs to have lots of notches on the bed post, but for a lesbian, you run the risk of a tarnished reputation and are judged as untrustworthy and incapable of having a relationship?