Last night over pizza, I caught up on the events of life with my straight mate. Eventually the conversation turns to our love lives and the latest in our search for Mr and Ms Right respectively.
She talked about the guy who was treating her right but was rubbish in bed, another which was amazing in bed but didn’t want any commitment, and a guy at her gym she had her eyes on. Whilst I talked about my departing ex, recent frolics and a girl I really liked, whose signals seemed to suggest the same, but who was now saying something different.
I wondered out loud if the girl in question had been warned off. After all, the lesbian world seems to operate on a scale equivalent to a child’s paddling pool; it’s easy to build up ‘history’, which lesbians then seem to enjoy sharing in a ‘This is Your Life’ scenario whenever there’s a prime opportunity.
My mate sympathised that it must be hard in a small community when your antics are public knowledge, even if just on the grapevine. After all, her latest ‘Mr Wrong’ was her 20th sexual partner, but less than the conquests of her peer group of straight girls.
I’ve been out since I was a teenager. I’m what’s known in the lesbian dictionary as a ‘thoroughbred’ ie: I’ve only ever slept with girls. This early start when others were still in the closet plus a willingness to have casual sex, means I've got notches on the bed post in double figures. But it was clear I am lagging behind fellow straight girls the same age as me when it comes to sexual scores.
This surprised me, because I often feel that the number of girls I have slept with, (and many of them from Brighton) is not always a positive thing. When your mates are ringing you from the gay bar to warn you there’s enough of your ex’s in the place to hold a party, it makes you nervous about what the future girl of your dreams will think, what impression someone will be giving of you, and whether you’ve earned a reputation (unwillingly) that will scare her off.
I think it’s unusual for a gay girl to have lots of sexual partners; we don’t really do one night stands (see ‘The Forbidden Fruit’). Many I know could count the girls they’ve bedded on one hand, at a push two, but rarely double figures.
10 Apr 2011
9 Apr 2011
A Lesbian Fetish
You’ve been dating a girl for a while now and want to move on to the next level in your relationship. How does a gay girl demonstrate this without actually saying anything? I’m telling you, there’s no need for an expensive meal, no need for flowers or chocolates and a ring might freak her out. All you need is an open wallet and a day trip to Ikea, aka Dykea.
There’s nothing that speaks louder to our lesbian primal senses about commitment and love than engaging in this nest building activity together. As you touch and discuss the stream lined furniture, caress the fabrics, amaze at the storage solutions and share in the delight of the latest kitchenware, her endorphins will be going into overdrive. By the time you’ve reached the check out, open wallet in hand, she’ll be practically orgasming. Your future together is assured.
But what if you’re single? What isles do gay single girls peruse to find their kindred spirit and show off their peacock feathers? You want somewhere to demonstrate that you’re a good catch; you have good taste, know quality, can colour co-ordinate and that you have style, that you have a nice home, maybe a professional job...
These girls don’t need Gaydar or Grindr. Just head to where every gay girls fetish is displayed in technicolour array. No I’m not talking about shelves of dildo's at the local sex store, but YES, OH YES, I am talking about... stationary! We love it! Like magpies we just want to surround ourselves with the cutesy pens, recycled notebooks, decorated storage boxes, the pretty funny shaped rubbers, the supersize pencils, the pretty coloured ultra thin felt tip pens, the beauty and feel of the fountain tip, the multi-coloured collections of holders and organisers and binders and dividers.
We are spoilt for choice in Brighton. We have the fabulous Clarkes and Pen to Paper on the North Laines (owned by lesbians I might add), Rymans on the High Street, Paperchase on the South Lanes, ODM on the Shoreham bypass, and now Staples in Hove. (WHSmith is deliberately excluded here!) Enter these stationary stores and you enter lesbian heaven. If you want to meet your one true love, just grab a basket and fill it up. Before you know it, you could be doing more amongst the isles than simply shopping!
There’s nothing that speaks louder to our lesbian primal senses about commitment and love than engaging in this nest building activity together. As you touch and discuss the stream lined furniture, caress the fabrics, amaze at the storage solutions and share in the delight of the latest kitchenware, her endorphins will be going into overdrive. By the time you’ve reached the check out, open wallet in hand, she’ll be practically orgasming. Your future together is assured.
But what if you’re single? What isles do gay single girls peruse to find their kindred spirit and show off their peacock feathers? You want somewhere to demonstrate that you’re a good catch; you have good taste, know quality, can colour co-ordinate and that you have style, that you have a nice home, maybe a professional job...
These girls don’t need Gaydar or Grindr. Just head to where every gay girls fetish is displayed in technicolour array. No I’m not talking about shelves of dildo's at the local sex store, but YES, OH YES, I am talking about... stationary! We love it! Like magpies we just want to surround ourselves with the cutesy pens, recycled notebooks, decorated storage boxes, the pretty funny shaped rubbers, the supersize pencils, the pretty coloured ultra thin felt tip pens, the beauty and feel of the fountain tip, the multi-coloured collections of holders and organisers and binders and dividers.
We are spoilt for choice in Brighton. We have the fabulous Clarkes and Pen to Paper on the North Laines (owned by lesbians I might add), Rymans on the High Street, Paperchase on the South Lanes, ODM on the Shoreham bypass, and now Staples in Hove. (WHSmith is deliberately excluded here!) Enter these stationary stores and you enter lesbian heaven. If you want to meet your one true love, just grab a basket and fill it up. Before you know it, you could be doing more amongst the isles than simply shopping!
7 Apr 2011
A New Phenomenon In The Lesbian Bedroom
I want you to picture the scene. You have a woman sleeping next to you in your bed. It might be your long term partner, whom you share every night with, it might be the girl you only met yesterday at the local dyke bar. Either way, you've had a fun night of frolics and have spend glorious hours of sleep spooned together in sexual exhaustion. Now morning has arrived and light streams through the curtains, stirring you both from pleasant dreams.
The woman beside you mutters a good morning, then begins to reach across you. You think maybe she's still frisky and was so impressed with your sexual prowess she wants a second helping. Maybe she wants a hug to share in some final intimacy and morning chatter before you both get up. But wait...
it's none of those things as she reaches over and grabs... her mobile phone. And it's not just any phone either, it's an iPhone, Android or Blackberry. You hide your disappointment, knowing what this means.
I've noticed a new phenomenon seeping into the lesbian bedroom that is the new threat to cuddles, intimacy, morning sex and breakfast conversation. With mobiles more akin to mini computers, our friends and on-line life are now ever present in the bedroom with us. Even whilst getting down to it, the beeps and chimes from our little handheld devices tell us we've got incoming messages and texts from a world going on around us, pulling us away from the moment.
Morning arrives and the girl next to you is now responding to that world that's been waiting. Conversation is non existent with you, except may be your astrological stars for the day from an app she's got. You may be lying there naked, but the hand sized device is the one getting touched and fingered.
Even after getting through the texts and messages, she's now checking out Facebook - "oh", she tells you. Her mates have littered her wall apparently. "They're all meeting up for Sunday lunch in an hour". Better get up she informs you with a quick peck on the lips as she leaps out of bed.
The woman beside you mutters a good morning, then begins to reach across you. You think maybe she's still frisky and was so impressed with your sexual prowess she wants a second helping. Maybe she wants a hug to share in some final intimacy and morning chatter before you both get up. But wait...
it's none of those things as she reaches over and grabs... her mobile phone. And it's not just any phone either, it's an iPhone, Android or Blackberry. You hide your disappointment, knowing what this means.
I've noticed a new phenomenon seeping into the lesbian bedroom that is the new threat to cuddles, intimacy, morning sex and breakfast conversation. With mobiles more akin to mini computers, our friends and on-line life are now ever present in the bedroom with us. Even whilst getting down to it, the beeps and chimes from our little handheld devices tell us we've got incoming messages and texts from a world going on around us, pulling us away from the moment.
Morning arrives and the girl next to you is now responding to that world that's been waiting. Conversation is non existent with you, except may be your astrological stars for the day from an app she's got. You may be lying there naked, but the hand sized device is the one getting touched and fingered.
Even after getting through the texts and messages, she's now checking out Facebook - "oh", she tells you. Her mates have littered her wall apparently. "They're all meeting up for Sunday lunch in an hour". Better get up she informs you with a quick peck on the lips as she leaps out of bed.
5 Apr 2011
Breaking In....To the Lesbian Scene
The lesbian scene is not for the faint hearted; at times rather reminiscent of the school playground. To break in, you've got to break out - of your comfort zone. History books speak of a sisterhood of girls, looking out for each other, but I'm not convinced it exists in the lesbian world - not in Brighton anyway.
I remember 10 years ago, struggling to get chatting to other girls in the local lesbian bar. I had just moved here. They were all in their cliques and if you approached anyone, they assumed you were chatting them up. If they weren't interested in you, there was no chance of friendship being offered.
In the end I gave up after too many nights nursing a pint with only the bar staff to talk to. I joined a youth group (I was 23) and that's how I've done it since - sports groups, church groups, walking groups and volunteering for LGBT organisation's. Now I seem to know loads of people, but I see my friends struggling, desperately wanting to get to know others, trying to strike up conversations in bars.
Is this just a girl thing? A lesbian thing? Or a Brighton thing? They say we're the 'gay' capital; does being in a gay mecca make it harder? Is it because there's so many of us we can choose to be exclusive, or is just about our own insecurities and perceptions? I remember in Plymouth where I lived previously and you got a 'hello' from someone regardless of whether you knew them or not. In Brighton any acknowledgement of your existence is only if you are known.
I'll admit I'm as much a culprit, despite my own personal experience of isolation a vivid memory. I've been out for so long and living in Brighton for over a decade now, that I often just am not interested in getting to know the 'new girls on the block'. I'm even less inclined when I'm in a relationship. When you're single, you're more open to meeting new people I find - and lesbians nearly always come in pairs.
I was lucky in that I was just young enough to be able to go to a lesbian, gay & bisexual youth group. People come to Brighton thinking it is easier here with a large scene. If you're young maybe, but those over 25, be prepared, you'll need a plan of action and willingness to step out of your comfort zone -in order to break in.
I remember 10 years ago, struggling to get chatting to other girls in the local lesbian bar. I had just moved here. They were all in their cliques and if you approached anyone, they assumed you were chatting them up. If they weren't interested in you, there was no chance of friendship being offered.
In the end I gave up after too many nights nursing a pint with only the bar staff to talk to. I joined a youth group (I was 23) and that's how I've done it since - sports groups, church groups, walking groups and volunteering for LGBT organisation's. Now I seem to know loads of people, but I see my friends struggling, desperately wanting to get to know others, trying to strike up conversations in bars.
Is this just a girl thing? A lesbian thing? Or a Brighton thing? They say we're the 'gay' capital; does being in a gay mecca make it harder? Is it because there's so many of us we can choose to be exclusive, or is just about our own insecurities and perceptions? I remember in Plymouth where I lived previously and you got a 'hello' from someone regardless of whether you knew them or not. In Brighton any acknowledgement of your existence is only if you are known.
I'll admit I'm as much a culprit, despite my own personal experience of isolation a vivid memory. I've been out for so long and living in Brighton for over a decade now, that I often just am not interested in getting to know the 'new girls on the block'. I'm even less inclined when I'm in a relationship. When you're single, you're more open to meeting new people I find - and lesbians nearly always come in pairs.
I was lucky in that I was just young enough to be able to go to a lesbian, gay & bisexual youth group. People come to Brighton thinking it is easier here with a large scene. If you're young maybe, but those over 25, be prepared, you'll need a plan of action and willingness to step out of your comfort zone -in order to break in.
2 Apr 2011
One Night Stands - The Forbidden Lesbian Fruit
It started with a text,
'Cme c how us Northerners do it. Pride, BBQ party in eve, girlz cricket Sunday'.
Whether my mate realised or not, she had mentioned the magic word - girlz. Before I agreed to come up, I asked about the local talent,
'Plenty of horny Northern lasses tht wuld b eager 2 meet a well seasoned Brighton belle'.
I didn't need any more convincing and swiftly bought my coach tickets.
I invited another mate along for the expectant fun and frolics on offer for the weekend. On route up with excited anticipation, topic of conversation was focused on the girls we'd done, who we wanted, whether there would be eye-candy and whether we'd pull. In my mind I had every intention to if the opportunity was there - and I planned on seeking out opportunity. My mate admitted she'd never had a one night stand and didn't know if she could. As we discussed it, she remained unconvinced about her emotions in doing the deed and the morning after.
But that's the thing. This topic can generate a discussion amongst a lesbian group with a diverse reaction, much disapproval and in some cases judgement. Personally I like one night stands. I love sex, I love women, I love their bodies. I love the chase, I love the flirting and I love leaving them satisfied and wanting more. I love it that my antics make my friends cry with laughter and I've always got a story to tell. I've met wonderful interesting women (who then go on to be friends) through shagging them and getting to know each other over the morning coffee.
I've had others challenge me that it's just 'loveless sex', yet I've had more heartless/loveless sex within a relationship. Everyone knows about lesbian bed death where couples merely go through the motions, with very little love involved.
My mate tells me she can only have sex with someone she's going to have a relationship with. I guess just as the joke goes that lesbians move in on the second date, equally sleeping together on the first makes you a relationship!
But that sort of pressure is exactly what would have me running from the situation as soon as dawn had broken. I have no issues with having relationships and I'm not avoiding commitment - far from it. May be that's it really; I take who I give my heart to as a serious matter and that cannot be judged from one night together.
But why is it still that having a reputation like Shane from L Word is attractive, because we all want to be like her or be the one that tames her, but not someone you would actually become or want a relationship with? Why is it that gay girls find it hard to say 'thank you' and 'goodbye'? Is it our genetic make-up, or is it culture that shapes us? Men are seen as experienced studs to have lots of notches on the bed post, but for a lesbian, you run the risk of a tarnished reputation and are judged as untrustworthy and incapable of having a relationship?
'Cme c how us Northerners do it. Pride, BBQ party in eve, girlz cricket Sunday'.
Whether my mate realised or not, she had mentioned the magic word - girlz. Before I agreed to come up, I asked about the local talent,
'Plenty of horny Northern lasses tht wuld b eager 2 meet a well seasoned Brighton belle'.
I didn't need any more convincing and swiftly bought my coach tickets.
I invited another mate along for the expectant fun and frolics on offer for the weekend. On route up with excited anticipation, topic of conversation was focused on the girls we'd done, who we wanted, whether there would be eye-candy and whether we'd pull. In my mind I had every intention to if the opportunity was there - and I planned on seeking out opportunity. My mate admitted she'd never had a one night stand and didn't know if she could. As we discussed it, she remained unconvinced about her emotions in doing the deed and the morning after.
But that's the thing. This topic can generate a discussion amongst a lesbian group with a diverse reaction, much disapproval and in some cases judgement. Personally I like one night stands. I love sex, I love women, I love their bodies. I love the chase, I love the flirting and I love leaving them satisfied and wanting more. I love it that my antics make my friends cry with laughter and I've always got a story to tell. I've met wonderful interesting women (who then go on to be friends) through shagging them and getting to know each other over the morning coffee.
I've had others challenge me that it's just 'loveless sex', yet I've had more heartless/loveless sex within a relationship. Everyone knows about lesbian bed death where couples merely go through the motions, with very little love involved.
My mate tells me she can only have sex with someone she's going to have a relationship with. I guess just as the joke goes that lesbians move in on the second date, equally sleeping together on the first makes you a relationship!
But that sort of pressure is exactly what would have me running from the situation as soon as dawn had broken. I have no issues with having relationships and I'm not avoiding commitment - far from it. May be that's it really; I take who I give my heart to as a serious matter and that cannot be judged from one night together.
But why is it still that having a reputation like Shane from L Word is attractive, because we all want to be like her or be the one that tames her, but not someone you would actually become or want a relationship with? Why is it that gay girls find it hard to say 'thank you' and 'goodbye'? Is it our genetic make-up, or is it culture that shapes us? Men are seen as experienced studs to have lots of notches on the bed post, but for a lesbian, you run the risk of a tarnished reputation and are judged as untrustworthy and incapable of having a relationship?
27 Feb 2011
Working for an LGBT Organisation
I work for Allsorts Youth Project, a Brighton based LGBT youth charity. Last week we held a leaving do for one of my colleagues who's moving onto pastures new into employment that's not anything to do with the LGBT community. As we all wished him luck with his future, it got us thinking - and joking - about working for an LGBT organisation where for the youth worker roles especially, your sexuality was one of the criteria that landed you the job.
I'm what I like to refer to as 'a Professional Gay' where for the best part of your week you are challenging and responding to LGBT issues, more than you do in your personal life. It's very much a reversal where socially, you may actually spend less time doing anything 'gay' because of this. Maybe that's why I rant more than my friends about the more subtle forms of homophobia in the media, on TV, in songs, when they just shrug their shoulders and tell me I'm being OTT?!
I go into work and the latest copy of Diva and Gay Times has arrived, which is shared around the office. I turn on my PC to immediately view the latest LGBT news, social media feeds, blog articles and Tweets to identify anything of relevance to the team, the young people, our on-line followers and fans. The boss comes in ranting about the latest Government cuts and how the LGBT community will be effected. Whilst I ask if anyone saw Rihanna on the BritAwards last night because she was looking hot, which has everyone cramming around my computer to watch Youtube.
Here you are not the 'only gay in the village'. What's hot and what's not in the entertainment world along with what's being reported in the news and social media sites are discussed - all with a gay slant. Office gossip is about what Elton John is up to and of course there is the day to day work that we are employed to do.
So you're probably thinking how lovely, you don't have to come out, you can be yourself and you don't have to face prejudice. But yes, we still experience these things. At Allsorts we provide LGBT awareness training in schools, colleges and the workplace, which can be challenging as you are faced with LGBT phobic attitudes and confrontation, potentially in front of 100's of people. This, along with working directly with LGBT youth can often mean revisiting your own difficulties from the past. Whilst there's no 'coming out' to colleagues within the office, you are coming out when people ask you 'so what do you do?' On your CV you're effectively outing yourself before you've even got an interview when applying for a new job.
An LGBT organisation might provide you with the opportunity to make new friends and may be even that special someone. You certainly get to know more of the people involved in the community, both locally and nationally. It feels good to be involved in the future of generations of LGBT youth challenging the stigma, bullying and prejudice that is still present in society. I'm happy being a 'professional gay' championing LGBT rights and providing a voice for those unable to speak for themselves.
 |
| 5 of the Allsorts Youth Project Staff |
I'm what I like to refer to as 'a Professional Gay' where for the best part of your week you are challenging and responding to LGBT issues, more than you do in your personal life. It's very much a reversal where socially, you may actually spend less time doing anything 'gay' because of this. Maybe that's why I rant more than my friends about the more subtle forms of homophobia in the media, on TV, in songs, when they just shrug their shoulders and tell me I'm being OTT?!
I go into work and the latest copy of Diva and Gay Times has arrived, which is shared around the office. I turn on my PC to immediately view the latest LGBT news, social media feeds, blog articles and Tweets to identify anything of relevance to the team, the young people, our on-line followers and fans. The boss comes in ranting about the latest Government cuts and how the LGBT community will be effected. Whilst I ask if anyone saw Rihanna on the BritAwards last night because she was looking hot, which has everyone cramming around my computer to watch Youtube.
Here you are not the 'only gay in the village'. What's hot and what's not in the entertainment world along with what's being reported in the news and social media sites are discussed - all with a gay slant. Office gossip is about what Elton John is up to and of course there is the day to day work that we are employed to do.
So you're probably thinking how lovely, you don't have to come out, you can be yourself and you don't have to face prejudice. But yes, we still experience these things. At Allsorts we provide LGBT awareness training in schools, colleges and the workplace, which can be challenging as you are faced with LGBT phobic attitudes and confrontation, potentially in front of 100's of people. This, along with working directly with LGBT youth can often mean revisiting your own difficulties from the past. Whilst there's no 'coming out' to colleagues within the office, you are coming out when people ask you 'so what do you do?' On your CV you're effectively outing yourself before you've even got an interview when applying for a new job.
An LGBT organisation might provide you with the opportunity to make new friends and may be even that special someone. You certainly get to know more of the people involved in the community, both locally and nationally. It feels good to be involved in the future of generations of LGBT youth challenging the stigma, bullying and prejudice that is still present in society. I'm happy being a 'professional gay' championing LGBT rights and providing a voice for those unable to speak for themselves.
16 Feb 2011
How Gay Are You?
Out shopping for a Valentine's card and I got distracted by the array of jokes, feel good slogans and pretty pictures in the birthday section and more specifically, a card detailing a 'birthday gayness test' involving a pink cat. I didn't quite know whether to take offence or find it amusing - in the end settling for an uncomfortable laugh as I proceeded to do the quiz. Concerns about Valentine's Day and that all important card were forgotten, as results declared that according to my choice I was 'super-gay'! Well, I didn't need a card to tell me that, but I did ponder whether, as a lesbian, the result was because I liked cats or simply because it was pink - or were they covering all bases within the word 'gayness', by using a pink cat?!
It made me remember a similar but lengthier test I became aware of whilst supervising a group of teenagers, who were finding out how gay everyone was, using a quiz by Channel 4 called the 'Gay-O-Meter'. Again I was left undecided whether it was just a bit of harmless fun or whether it reinforced stereotypes about gay people, with it still being deemed ok for the gay community to be the butt of the joke?
Where as I do quite well on the Birthday Gayness Test, the 'Gay-O-Meter, declares me only 36% gay. It mocks my result by asking 'How does a straight acting girl ever manage to get a date? Any more girlie and you'd have to be straight!' (Straight acting - now there's a whole other blog just in that line!) It didn't ask me about cats or the colour pink and so I can only put my 'gayness' failure down to my lack of DIY skills, never having shaved my head and being really bad at pool.
I asked my mate about it and my dilema of whether to laugh or rant. She responded, 'good to see you lightening up on these things!' (in reference to my past ranting about Katy Perry and why I would not dance to her songs with her subtle forms of homophobia in her lyrics within 'I Kissed A Girl' and 'UR So Gay').
Is this another form of subtle homophobia that I'm right to question?
Maybe my friend is right, I should lighten up; a joke card with a gayness test is harmless, the 'gay-o-meter' is just a bit of fun. If 'gayness' is all around us - in comedy, in songs, on TV and on birthday cards is it all helping everyone to feel a little more accepting?
I'm not so sure.
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