A straight World - A cultural shift in my life

After spending many years (as this blog testifies) of my life primarily hanging out in lesbian circles, the birth of LJ has changed all that and i've all of a sudden found myself in a totally straight world.

Since coming out around 20 years ago my social life has been focused around and in LGBT culture from hanging out on The Scene with mates to being part of LGBT groups and committees and even working for an LGBT charity. But becoming a parent means i've started spending more time with other mums and it turns out all of them are straight and I've found myself the only lesbian amongst them. At anti-natal classes GGF and I were the only expectant same-sex couple, at the local 'new Mum and Baby' group I am the only lesbian, and LJ and I see plenty of other mums (and a few dads) and their babies all of similar age regularly at the weekly baby classes we attend and I'm the only queer mamma; LJ the only baby with same-sex parents. It doesn't bother me, it doesn't seem to bother anyone else, it's not stopped us making new friends, but it's a cultural shift in my life. 

A lot of our friends, like many lesbian couples have been forced to leave Brighton & Hove finding it unaffordable for their expanding needs and moved further west to Portslade or Worthing or moved out of the region altogether. Women are still fighting for equality in the workplace with wages and promotion, women's products are still priced higher than their male equivalents and even female baby clothes cost more than those for boy babies. When you are a two-women family you generally have less income so it compounds the affordability of living here. Me and GGF are fortunate we can, maybe that's why, even though we live in the "gay capital", we find ourselves the only gay parents here?

You are assumed to be in a heterosexual relationship unless you say otherwise and LJ is assumed to have a daddy. It means constantly coming out. I mostly refer to GGF as partner at baby groups because coming out to everyone all of the time can get exhausting and boring.

Not every child will have a mum and dad and not every child will be raised by a mum and dad or be genetically related to those raising them, yet this pervasive assumption is there. It would be better if there was more wider acknowledgement of the diversity of families, not with just same-sex families. It will be something that LJ equally will have to contend with and correct people on as he gets older. Knowing his family is different and he doesn't have a daddy will be something he will realise very quickly.

It's easier when GGF and I are together as a family as it's more obvious than when it's just me and LJ. We often then do not have to explain anything or 'come out', we do not have to explain our family, we are just a family unit.

Our experience in this moment, has more in common with the straight couples who have babies of similar age than other gay people because our shift of focus has moved to LJ rather than our social life. Equally they are going through some of the same challenges in raising a baby. In some ways their experiences are different and in many ways they are the same.


*Both Rainbow Families and the Donor Conception Network provide a regular meet-up in the city for same-sex parents. 

Transient in Brighton

The joke goes that when you visit Brighton for a weekend, you'll be unlikely to leave again. A weekend turns into a week, which turns into a month and before you know it, you've rented a place to live. Which is why when you ask almost anyone how long they've lived in Brighton, most responses will range from "only a month" to two or three years. If you've lived here 16 years as I have, you get weird looks like you've actually overstayed your welcome! 

It's an easy place to make friends if you're sociable enough, a place to relax in where you are easily accepted for who you are, a place where you can discover yourself without anyone judging. It's a place where you are encouraged to be out rather than in and it's easy to get caught up in a never-ending invite to events and activities to suit whatever your preferences and taste. So it's not hard to figure out why people get caught up in the "Brighton bubble", stay and call this home; at least for a short while. 

Brighton though is a transient city. People come here to have fun. They come to study hard and party hard at one of the two universities, they come to enjoy their summer by the sea picking up casual work in the busy and social cafes and bars, they come to teach in one of the hundreds of language schools, or take time to zen out with plenty of shared company at the holistic centres dotted across the city. 

But that transient population go again. Because they've burnt out and realise that book they wanted to write hasn't been started yet, because they've spent all their savings and need to head back to the safety of Mum & Dad before they accrue more debt, because they realise they cannot afford to buy if they want to settle down, so they move out to the cheaper areas of Portslade or Worthing, or they get dogs and decide to move to the countryside or they decide to head to the bright lights of London to start their career or be part of a bigger scene; Brighton can feel claustrophobic if you stay too long. 

Living in a transient city means that friends and your friendship groups are very transient too as people move away with a frequency I believe to be unique to this city. Lesbian groups especially, assisted by relationship break ups and marriages can literally obliterate them to fragments. The former because no-one can hang out together anymore as loyal sides are taken and the latter because they simply don't go out anymore!

To last the course here, just like the tide, you have to move with the ebb and flow of changes and willing to adjust, you have to say no to a few invites every now and again in order to persue your ambitions and dreams and if you want to buy here, definitely don't get a dog, or a baby! 

Donor Conceived Babies: An Acceptance of Normality

For me, using a donor known only by his catalogue number seemed the most right decision for us as a family. We considered other options but always came back to the choice that we went on to make.

Living in Brighton I knew that our family would have an 'acceptance of normality'; that our child would likely know others with same-sex parents and therefore donor conceived as well. 

Attending anti-natal class and baby groups, I have surprisingly found myself the only lesbian couple and lesbian mum respectively. Where once the people I hung out with were mostly gay and childless, the arrival of our baby has changed all that with my time now spent with other mums, the majority of whom, are not gay. 

I can only assume, based on the other lesbian mothers/couples I have met, that with house prices so high in Brighton & Hove they have all moved out to Portslade & Worthing! 

The sun out, wind calm and the temperature high, I head to the beach to meet up with other mums. By coincidence every mum beachside with their baby was conceived using male and female donors.  That shared knowledge connects us and allows us to talk freely about the decisions we made.

I was not expecting to be the "only gay mum in the (Hove) village" but so far have found myself to be. Instead what I have found, due to the average age of childbearing women being late 30's and 40's, is to be surrounded by heterosexual couples/mums with babies also conceived by anonymous donors either because they are still single or because of fertility issues. 

My expectation of 'acceptance of normality' as one of many same-sex couples is completely different to the reality where it is donor conception being widely used by straight couples that provides me that shared experience with others.  

When your path to a family might be different, it seems you become part of the majority. 

Telling people you're pregnant when you're gay

Whilst a very few of my very long standing friends knew I wanted children at some point, it was never something I actively spoke of. I never coo-d over other people's, rarely came into contact with anyone who had children and my career has always been at the forefront of my priorities. So it was something easy to be silent about. Plus it's still not something overly spoken or assumed about in the gay community.

GGF always knew (I think!) that I might want children one day, but was unbothered either way so left it to me to decide if and when it was to happen. Then one day, following my 38th birthday after contemplating that it was either now or never and the "is this the right time" question was no longer up for debate, I knew I had to make a decision.

I did so by simply saying to GGF "it's time" and she responded with a simple "OK".

Fast forward six months and the window on the pee stick shows a clear and distinct blue cross. The 12 week milestone feels an agonising wait but when it's successfully reached I feel reluctant to tell others our good news and feel relieved it's not yet noticeable. When you're gay and stop drinking, no-one even assumes it's because you're pregnant, so it's not even mentioned unless you do.

It feels like having to come out all over again, not only to family, but this time to gay friends. I wonder at how they will take this unexpected news? Will it be met with disapproval; by my family because of the unknown half of DNA, by friends for doing something sooo "heterosexual" and by work colleagues, some of whom might have strong views (especially if they'd been listening to Pope Francis reinforcing the Catholic view that only heterosexual parents enables healthy parenting during my 13th week!)

It's a nervous time telling family, wondering if they will accept this grandchild/nephew/niece like they accept their others; I need not have worried, my Mum more surprised than anything.
"I always thought you were a career girl" she says.
"I still am Mum, can't a woman have both? I plan too!"
"Well, as long as it's really what you want"
"Bit late to change my mind!"
(Mum now super excited, once the surprise element had passed!)

Then we cheated, and whilst we had begun to tell some of our friends one by one as we saw them which I found excruciatingly painful, ("how boring" was one response!), we posted a status update on Facebook following our first scan. Phew! Social media making it far easier, although some friends and family still didn't realise it was us having the baby!

We got lots of babysitting offers.

But like all couples, the next element will be who of our friends still wants to hang out with us, once our new family member joins us and life out on the gay scene as we were, is no more. 

Is it a lesbian party or dog school?!

The sun's shining, there are signs of spring and lesbians are coming out from hibernation. If you want a party or BBQ you can guarantee at this time of year, there's a lesbian get together somewhere near you. 

However if you've been invited along you'll discover that there's lots of new additions to the party. No, I'm not talking a baby boom in the lesbian populace (just yet!) but I am talking dogs. There's been an explosion of puppy parenting in Brighton and whilst this is good news for the animal shelters (shame on you otherwise!), depending on your viewpoint this could be good or bad news for any BBQ you've got planned as you'll need to keep hold of your pint and your sausage. 

Not content with one dog, it's common to find lesbian households with two or three. Times that by multiple lesbian households at your party and even the most popular of girls will find our four legged friends are outnumbering our human ones! I've noticed that one friend has even put a restriction of "one dog per person" for her upcoming get together to control their number before it gets out of hand. 

It seems that lesbians are ditching cats in favour of being dog lovers, and just like human nurseries, you can find lots of obsessive parenting with shared doggy tales around the camp fire, as well as helpful and empathetic tips and advice when your Bruno the Bull Terrier goes ballistic because Sandy the Staff has stolen his ball.  

If you're allergic to dog hair or not a dog lover, or actually just want to chat about something other than dogs, you've been warned, this may be a summer you prefer to sit out. 

The dogs will be looking to have just as much fun as you!
Copyright Whiskers Resort. 

Living up to a label when failing the prerequisites

This weekend I'm running in the Brighton Half-Marathon as a result of a crazy moment last year when I thought that setting myself some challenges might be good for my soul.

Of course having been forced to train in bitter winter temperatures and against icy on-shore winds; the half-marathon now a mere day away, the idea of running 13.2 miles on Sunday for a healthy soul leaves me thinking that more sedate challenges in the future might suffice.

I'm running as part of the Bear-Patrol team, a community fundraising group who raise money for the Sussex Beacon, an HIV inpatient unit and specialist service provision. Hanging out with gay “Bears” apparently makes me a “Beaver”.

In the post 'The lesbian checklist', I described how I had failed many of the prerequisites of a “lesbian” label: no ownership of a checked shirt, no knowledge of how to get a BBQ going, the Channel 4 ‘Gay-O-Meter’ mocking me as a “straight acting girl”, the 'femme test' at Pride failing me as “Oh dear”. Now I have been christened with a new label which is as butch as they come.

Beavers are adept at DIY after all, capable of building their own 'lodge' and delux swimming pool! Their skills with building materials as renowned as a butch lesbian!

Labels can feel somewhat of a burden, with stereotypes whether we like them or not giving us plenty of fodder to jest and joke at each other with amongst our LGBT peers, especially when we don't fit them.

As I am determined to finish the course and not fail for the team tomorrow or my soul, being a 'Beaver' that's butch without the accompanying stereotype skills necessary, might just be a label I'm successful at! 

Gay babies - changing the way we converse

Last night I watched a short lesbian film called ‘Birthday’ about two women who had one child together from insemination about eight years ago and wished for a second. It turns out that the to-be birth mother fed up with the turkey-baster approach ineffectively working has slept with the sperm donor to conceive much to the disapproval of her wife.

It reminded me of a birthday gathering last weekend where babies once again were the familiar topic of conversation, despite the group being gay men and women. One of the lesbian couples there were in the process of trying for a baby and my gay mate (the birthday boy) quietly whispered to me later ‘They asked me – but I said no!’

Babies came up again a few days later at an LGBT networking event, when another gay mate jokingly commented that ‘he had never been asked to be a donor – and wondered what was wrong!?’

His tongue in cheek comment a response to an increasingly familiar subject matter that were once the realm of heterosexuals but are now definitely a part of gay life – marriage, babies, children, schools - topics we all agreed at the networking event which made straight parties boring.

Mixed friendship groups of lesbians and gays has become akin to a family planning clinic where wombs and sperm are up for bartering over during a night out. I find it sad that it’s come to this – where friendship means the inevitable question will be asked with girls propositioning their male mates and male mates getting personal with their female friends. New friendships are made with the undertone of sussing each other out for potential shared parenthood, whilst other friendships are lost when your sperm or womb is pronounced as ‘not available’.

As an ever increasing number successfully make the move into parenthood or seek it, they are re-shaping the relationship between the gay community and the lesbian community, the way we socialise, engage and converse and where marriage, babies, children and schools are now a part of that. 

Claustrophobia!

Me and the GGF went on a recent trip to her home city in Germany to coincide with her sister and brother-in-law who were also visiting. Searching for a pub in which to catch up over, the sister's husband suggests the one and only gay bar in the city.

Both me and the GGF responded with a very firm unified 'NO!'

The sister called us snobs and the husband responded with a valid point of "if you don't support the only one you have, you won't get a second!"

Our stance not changing he throws up his hands. "Well, it's your culture!"

My reasons for not wanting to go was simply that it was a venue that for some reason was exempt from the smoking ban and so the thought, as a  non-smoker sitting in a small venue full of chain smokers was quite horrendous.

But increasingly I have withdrawn from 'the scene' here in Brighton with the thought of heading out to the local dyke bar equally as horrendous. For a lesbian this would seem quite normal once you're in a steady relationship except in my case that's not the reason. I simply find it too claustrophobic.

The girls scene is rather like a pack of cards being shuffled for a game of poker, with your entire history constantly surrounding you, reshuffled and shared out just like the cards. Exes and enemies are hooking up together or now sleeping with your best friend or your flatmate or your girlfriend's flatmate whilst everyone tries to keep a poker face whether it's to act all British with a 'stiff upper lip' about it all or simply because lesbians have no moral code and won't accept they're doing anything wrong in their lack of boundaries.

Photo by Alan Cleaver - Flickr

I was recently reading a blog post about getting started in humanitarian aid work as I've wanted to work in International Development since I was young. Love, life and being gay* stopping me. What made me chuckle when reading the post was the question you apparently get asked by aid agencies when starting out -

"What are you running from?"


Well I'm not about to run anywhere just yet... the next hand is yet to be dealt.



*VSO said they couldn't place me overseas when I approached them in 2002 as a lesbian in a relationship as they couldn't guarantee my safety - admittedly they only worked in countries where you faced death by hanging, stoning or correction rape for homosexuality. Apparently they do now send out gay individuals overseas - I hear there's a quite a few in Cambodia!

Lesbian Obession with Men and Sex

"You've never slept with a man have you?" The Flatmate asks reconfirming what she's heard.

This conversation started because The Flatmate and I were discussing a woman we knew having a very masculine like attitude at times.

"No" I confirm. "I am a 'Gold Star' lesbian," or 'thoroughbred' which is the new modern term (Stallion for boys).
"Not even touched 'it'?! she now questions, wanting specifics on what exactly I have and haven't done with a man.
"No" I state blandly, completely uninterested in this now developing conversation thread.
"But you've had boyfriends?" she frowns perplexed
"Yes, but I came out quite young" I point out.
"And you never had sex at all in any form" she persists.
"No" I repeat.

Satisfied about my 'Gold Star' status, conversation moves on. But this type of enquiry and conversation around who came out when and our history of heterosexual relationships with men is not uncommon within a lesbian group or among friends.

It's weird how as lesbians, we're all quite un-interested in lesbian sex with many considering companionship and the state of their relationship outside of the sheets more important, quite happily letting 'lesbian bed death' occur after the first initial months. Yet lesbians seem preoccupied and rather obsessed about any form of sex involving men.

Just as the conversation with The Flatmate demonstrated, amongst a social circle of friends we'll all know who's had boyfriends in their past, the longest relationship with a man and even when their last heterosexual relationship was or like me, who are the 'thoroughbred' lesbians. However, we often know very little about each others girlfriend history unless we've had direct experience whilst being friends.

Lesbian's do not just have an obsession with the men in each others lives, as it extends to an obsession with whether our sexual practises are similar to that of heterosexual sex, especially with the use of toys. I've had girls reject any type of penetration and say no to the use of any type of dildo linking it to 'emulating men' and heterosexual identity. The sex survey by Diva magazine got girls all heated over the issue on their Facebook page with camps firmly split between those who refuse to use toys in the bedroom and those who do...

Then there's bisexuality which gets lesbians even hotter for all the wrong reasons; hearing a lesbian say 'I won't date a bisexual' is probably one of the most heard statements within the community. Again lesbians obsessing about men and sex, confusing bisexuality with polyamory or non-monogamy in the process. Whilst those who identify as transgender have equally felt excluded and isolated out by the hatred and prejudice from lesbians. 


Then there are lesbians who do still sleep with men for a multitude of potentially complex reasons; a complete taboo in the lesbian community. Admit to this as a lesbian, you could find your sexuality questioned, yourself isolated from your friends and shunned from your friendship groups. The level of venom expressed again on the Diva magazine Facebook page about the subject forced me to respond...

It's interesting to me that (for whatever reasons) I've noticed just how obsessed lesbians are with men and sex, whether that be talking about it in relation to our pasts and establishing our sexual identity with peers, distancing ourselves from any perceived 'emulation' within our present and rejecting those whose identity is still intertwined with men and sex with men.

What perplexes me further is that despite this 'obsession-rejection'of men, lesbians will obsessively watch 22 men run around a football pitch and hibernate for the Euro 2012 to do so! Go figure?! 

A typical Lesbian Scene

I had three birthday cards to buy and so was browsing the isles of the entire card shop.

'OH MY GOD! That is such a lesbian card!'

"This card is suitable for so many situations" the cashier tells me as I hand over my purchase. "It's brilliant, so brilliant I'm going to write a blog about it" I tell him. 

As a CRF (find out what this is in a previous post here), I have been in this situation so many times as a lesbian with my mantra for many years being, 'lesbians always come in pairs - don't let it stop you.'

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton

The cashier was right, suitable for so many situations:

'Congratulations on your civil partnership'

'Sorry to hear about your break-up'

'Welcome to single lesbian life'

'Please don't break up with me...'

Or feeling bitter, send it to your ex girlfriend/wife:

'This will be you!'

'Congratulations on your new girlfriend'

'Enjoy your divorce!'

Yes, the perfect lesbian card.

Can you think of any other captions this is appropriate for?

Twelve Years of Lesbian Six Degree's of Separation in Brighton.

The New Girlfriend and I were reminiscing about our time in Brighton. I moved here 12 and a half years ago. The New Girlfriend moved here a few weeks after me. Yet it was not until 11 years later we were introduced for the first time by a mutual friend. That's not strange you may well think, until we discovered....

We both went to 'Fresh' - a Friday dyke night above the Pavilion Tavern (The Pav Tav). Anyone else remember those days? Dark, grungy and I always made sure I left around 1am before it all kicked off in the final hour with a drunken girl in your face shouting "YOU LOOKING AT MY BIRD!!!!!"

We laugh as the New Girlfriend jokes that we could have knocked elbows at the drinks bar 12 years earlier.

We both went to Zanzibar, the smallest nightclub in Brighton probably - how the heck did we not meet in there!

When the Candy Bar opened up as a cafe bar on St. James Street, I spend a good deal of time in there often working my way through the wine and shots - Oouch! Here our paths did not cross - for the New Girlfriend was to be found in Legends - a venue I rarely bothered with. But we were both regulars on the dance floor at the monthly Candy Bar night 'Wet Pussy' in Club Envy.

We could both be found on a frequent basis in the two Brighton girl bars: The Marlborough (Marly) and The Princess Victoria (PV), but whilst I was probably in the corner sipping a G&T, the New Girlfriend was absorbed in annihilating everyone on the pool table. Close, but not close enough to collide.

We were both regulars at Club Revenge but as I prefer the top floor and she prefers the bottom, only a chance encounter in the toilet queue could've happened. We may well have been stood in the same line but it seems that destiny firmly had plans on keeping us apart despite the odds.

Then we start talking about the people we know. I pointed out in 'Like a Pack of Wolves' you may not know someone, but it turns out 20 of your mates do. Suddenly the lesbian six degree's of separation in a small world leaves us to ponder further about how our worlds overlaid each other but yet we never met before we did.

The 'ladies' the 'New Girlfriend' danced with at 'Fresh' 12 years ago were flatmates with Lezza A who dated Lezza B. Lezza B was a friend of mine and regularly helped me empty wine bottles at the Candy Bar Cafe that the New Girlfriend never went too. Through Lezza A, the New Girlfriend met Lezza B, whilst I met Lezza A a number of years later through Lezza G. The bouncer on the door of 'Fresh' is the New Girlfriend's best-mate (Lezza C), who may or may not have been the bouncer to throw me out for shagging a girl in the 'Fresh' cloakroom!

Lezza C was friends with Lezza's D, E, F, G and a whole load of others and introduced the New Girlfriend to them all whilst I met Lezza's D, E, F, G and the others years later through Lezza B, but by this time the New Girlfriend was not hanging out with Lezza's D, E, F, G and the others..... and so it continues.

It was only when Lezza H who is friend's with the 'ladies' the New Girlfriend danced with at 'Fresh', who also happened to be a friend of mine through an ex, that we were finally introduced!

Alice's L-Word chart is not just stuff of fiction!

GO.GO Women's Festival Line Up & Arrival of Candy Bar Girls For 2012

Last year I went along to the GO.GO women's festival along with 200 other women from Brighton & Hove to join thousands of females from across the UK. We genuinely had a great time and the moment the dates were announced for 2012 myself, the girlfriend and the same friends that went together last year booked the time off from work without hesitation.

Me, having a good time last year at GO.GO

For those that didn't go to the festival , you may have got a taster of the GO.GO style if you attended Brighton Pride in 2011 where GO.GO and Zhoosh, the LGBT Brighton Network I run teamed up together to run the Women's Performance Tent where GO.GO showcased their abilities at attracting the best (and sexiest!) of UK female talent for their stage line-ups, It was a huge success and the tent packed the whole day.

Dyke Drama - There's No Avoiding It In A Lesbian World

Love it or hate it, they can’t be avoided. Dyke dramas are part of the lesbian world and culture, and we seem to thrive on them. The urban dictionary describes it as ‘the constant challenges and sometimes strife affecting lesbians, due to affairs and gossip’. 

Walk into the lesbian pub, club night or party and you are confronted with girls having heated arguments and bystanders caught in the middle. Being able to keep out of dyke drama is the biggest challenge as when they happen they act like a tornado sucking everyone and everything into their path.

I’ve been embroiled in my own fair share as a result of friendship disputes, relationship break-ups, affairs, jealousy, group dynamics, over zealous loyalty, drug use and alcohol consumption.  It doesn’t matter where you go either: Brighton, London, Sydney or New York, town or village, within an hour of meeting a group of gay girls you will know who’s welcome to the party and who’s not, who’d ‘better not show up’, who’s the outcaste of the moment, who’s sleeping with who, who’s got a drink problem and who you should avoid getting close too. 

At the last party I went to, upon mentioning who I had my candy-eyes upon, I was told in no uncertain terms to ‘back-off’; it seemed I wasn’t the only one interested. The same individual then challenged me in a competition-like challenge, but I declined saying I was not into duelling over a girl and swiftly moved my attention elsewhere. I was seeking an easy drama-less one night stand, not the opposite.

Party in full swing and beneath all the joviality was a can of worms waiting to be unleashed. Someone’s stormed off feeling intimidated – something to do with having come onto the (ex) wife of someone else, behaviour that wasn’t welcomed. Meanwhile the civil partnered couple are coming onto others and one is caught snogging my best mate. It wasn’t long before all hell had broken loose and dyke drama's were exploding everywhere! 

Out celebrating New Years Eve’s with 200 women in the same venue, it was inevitable that at least one dyke drama was never going to be far away as the celebrations took place.  I had a great time, but at midnight there were fireworks not just in the sky overhead. A friend of a friend has kissed a girl that wasn’t her girlfriend. Witnessed, tears and arguments now follow and the friends who should be toasting the start of 2012 are instead now caught in the middle as they are left to console, support and unravel events.  I’m relieved to not be involved, though disappointed my friend (understandably) has to leave to attend to her distraught friend. 

Regardless of the reasons for them, dyke drama is part and parcel of my world. It’s about being a woman and it’s about being a lesbian, it’s about the friendships we share and the relationships we have.  There is no avoiding it if you're in the lesbian world.

Where and What is the Lesbian Moral Code with Exes?

I recently discovered that two of my exes are sleeping together. I’d sadly had a crystal ball about it from when I first introduced them to each other and they seemed to get along a ‘bit too well’. With an ex that would rather chat with your girlfriend than you, the inevitable was blatantly obvious the moment my relationship ended.

Posting a status update to friends on Facebook about my distress at this news, it became evident that I was not the only one to have experienced this situation of ex-partners getting it on.

Dinner Party Anyone?

I decided to throw a dinner party for my closest lesbian mates. It sounds simple enough with what should be the biggest stress for me being an inability to multi-task and burning the food in the process.
 

But with two degree’s of separation causing enough dyke drama in the lesbian community to make EastEnders look tame by comparison; serving up burnt food was going to be the least of my concerns. Holding a dinner party for a group of lesbians is not a task to be underestimated in the skill it requires of the host to make sure all goes smoothly and everyone leaves happy at the end of the night. 

The new lesbian Uniform

At the weekend, I headed off to Manchester Pride with some mates of mine. A group of girlz eager to sample the delights of the north. I packed just about my entire wardrobe for the occasion, to cover all eventualities and weather that might present itself.  I’m wearing my usual attire: Levi jeans, adidas trainers, Lazy lady belt and Roxy hoodie.

At the allocated rendezvous meeting point for us all to get the coach together, K shows up in her black Superdry jacket. She is equally dressed in casual brand wear. I tell K that I have packed and intend to wear the same Superdry jacket, only mine is white. Her response makes me think.

Don't mess with Her! Extreme Loyalty In Lesbian Circles

I’ve been ‘getting to know better’ a certain female individual. As a result she invites me to a house party of lesbians she knows. Always eager to meet some new faces I agree to go.

“They’ll think I’m your girlfriend” I point out.

“It’s OK” she tells me. “I’ll just correct them and say were just having some ‘fun times together”.

We arrive and the party’s in full swing with about 25 lesbians chatting, smoking and drinking, spread throughout the lower ground floor of the house and garden. It’s clear immediately that everyone has been acquainted for years and has long histories together. I’m feeling relieved to be at a party where I don’t know anyone (though a couple of the faces are familiar) and where my ‘lesbian chart’ is not public knowledge.  

Following polite introductions and a drink handed to each of us, my 'fun time' companion is whisked off, I presume for the latest gossip on who I am.  No I’m not being big headed; it’s just what girls do! 

I relax as the alcohol kicks in and chat to those I’m left in the kitchen with. I could begin to unearth some of the connections,  as I’d put money on being ‘linked’ to someone here, but am enjoying the two way anonymity beyond people’s names that’s not normally afforded to lesbians. I discover some work connections, and happily leave it at that. 

With latest updates on gossip secured, my ‘fun time’ companion returns along with fellow mates and the party continues long into the night, The alcohol free flowing, I get the opportunity to chat and dance with the friends who are all very welcoming and friendly. 

But underneath the joviality I detect a subtle undertone when my ‘fun time’ companion disappears out of ear shot. They get in close to speak to me above the noise of the music, and in emphasized words tell me,

“She is a great girl. We all love our ...”

I’m left uncertain whether they’re genuinely praising my ‘fun time’ companion for my benefit, or akin to the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the brothers of the bride tell the groom that, if he ever screws up, he should expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions involving guns, ‘accidents’ and kidney extraction. 

We lock eyes and clink beer bottles in mutual acknowledgement that yes, she is a great girl, and (not wanting to take the risk on the latter) that should I do anything not considered acceptable, I will end up with the same fate as the groom in MBFGW. 

As we leave, they bid us both farewells. With a goodbye hug they turn to me,

“We’ll see you at the next party Susan” 

I heed the unspoken words .

Like A Pack of Wolves

A recent ex of mine asked if anyone was after me now that we had split up. I tried to change the subject without effect. “Is it someone I know?” she proceeded to probe.

I refused to enter into conversation on the matter, knowing this was a path that was not going to maintain harmony and amicability between us should I divulge any truth.  My silence and attempts to deflect away from the subject confirmed her suspicions, “Lesbians, they’re like a pack of wolves. I knew the moment we’d split up you’d have offers!”

Personally, I was taking the shows of interest as a compliment, more to do with my winning personality than the animalistic tendencies my ex eludes to in the lesbian population of Brighton. But I understood what she meant.

Maybe it depends on the circle of girls you know but it seems inevitable to me that girls who love and lust girls, that live and socialise in the same city on the same scene are going to end up hooking up and breaking up.  It’s well documented and known that lesbian circles are incestuous. Draw a ‘family’ tree of a group of gay girls like Alice’s L-Word chart and it clearly shows this reputation is not a myth and well earned. 

Shagging your mate – isn’t that how it works in lesbians circles?! If not your mate, then your mates ex or best friend, or your girlfriends ex, or the woman your ex had an affair with?!  I just have to think back over my own past and my girlfriends were friends, or friends of friends or from the same social circle. Even when it’s a girl you don’t know, befriend her on Facebook and it turns out that 20 of your mates already do! 

Occasionally it’s completely unexpected, it’s someone that now your single you’ve got to spend more time with and gotten closer too.  More often though you can guarantee that beneath all the joviality of friendship are smouldering passions just waiting for the opportune moment.  As friends you’ve had a spark for years and at some point alcohol takes the worries away of crossing that boundary from friendship to lovers, even if just for curiosity sake.  

I once started to put an L-Word chart together but just as digging out your family tree can unearth the family secrets so too can compiling one of these. Within a short while I abandoned the ‘tree’ as it became apparent very quickly that, ‘some things should not be written down for others to find’.  It was simply too explosive, a risk I wasn’t happy to take for what was too me a bit of fun interest. 

It is one of the less appealing aspects to being a lesbian and a challenge for any of us to deal with. For just as my ex automatically assumed that any interest I was getting would be from someone she knew, one thing is for sure, it’s no wonder that lesbians always come in pairs for their next love interest is never far away.

Breaking In....To the Lesbian Scene

The lesbian scene is not for the faint hearted; at times rather reminiscent of the school playground. To break in, you've got to break out - of your comfort zone. History books speak of a sisterhood of girls, looking out for each other, but I'm not convinced it exists in the lesbian world - not in Brighton anyway.

I remember 10 years ago, struggling to get chatting to other girls in the local lesbian bar. I had just moved here. They were all in their cliques and if you approached anyone, they assumed you were chatting them up. If they weren't interested in you, there was no chance of friendship being offered.

In the end I gave up after too many nights nursing a pint with only the bar staff to talk to. I joined a youth group (I was 23) and that's how I've done it since - sports groups, church groups, walking groups and volunteering for LGBT organisation's. Now I seem to know loads of people, but I see my friends struggling, desperately wanting to get to know others, trying to strike up conversations in bars.

Is this just a girl thing? A lesbian thing? Or a Brighton thing? They say we're the 'gay' capital; does being in a gay mecca make it harder? Is it because there's so many of us we can choose to be exclusive, or is just about our own insecurities and perceptions? I remember in Plymouth where I lived previously and you got a 'hello' from someone regardless of whether you knew them or not. In Brighton any acknowledgement of your existence is only if you are known.

I'll admit I'm as much a culprit, despite my own personal experience of isolation a vivid memory. I've been out for so long and living in Brighton for over a decade now, that I often just am not interested in getting to know the 'new girls on the block'. I'm even less inclined when I'm in a relationship. When you're single, you're more open to meeting new people I find - and lesbians nearly always come in pairs.

I was lucky in that I was just young enough to be able to go to a lesbian, gay & bisexual youth group. People come to Brighton thinking it is easier here with a large scene. If you're young maybe, but those over 25, be prepared, you'll need a plan of action and willingness to step out of your comfort zone -in order to break in.