I just don't care anymore

'I just don't care anymore' was definitely the running theme of tonight. Whether my friend genuinely meant it or whether it meant anything but, I'm undecided, but leaning toward the latter.

"It's ok being single", I reassure her but it was not going to make a difference to her singleton insecurity; I am after all in a relationship and one that is stable and long-term. I therefore just by my mere presence rub salt in the wound. 

Although my friend was not in a position to recognise it, I could genuinely sympathise. I might not be single but I have had enough relationships that I self label as a CRF (complete relationship failure) to have reached my own 'I just don't care anymore' point in the past. It was only when friends stepped in to help me overcome my appalling record and introduced me to GGF, my CRF trend ended. Otherwise no doubt I'd either be single myself or in another disastrous relationship on the precipice of ending again. 

Singledom feels even harder once you reach your 30s and 40s. Most lesbians are paired up (even in their 20s!), settled and either moving in together, getting engaged, married, a dog, or having a baby. If you're single and not doing these things too it can feel a very lonely place, not least because you've few lesbians to hang out with; they're all at home snuggling up and saving money for the next stage of their relationship! And when you do get the chance you're nearly always the third wheel. Even the fact that here I was out alone, without GGF is unusual in the world of lesbian coupledom.

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton.
Lesbians always come in pairs! 

My "It's ok being single", fell on death ears that wanted to wallow. Of course she did, when all around, you're being reminded of your single status and feel in the minority.  But equally, I see lesbians jumping from one relationship straight into another, scared of being single, lugging their emotional baggage with them and never really knowing themselves outside of a relationship. 

"It's ok being single".

My former boss once commented to me, “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”. 
Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable. 

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given. I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from any other causes. 

Relationships are complicated by being emotional rollercoaters

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence. 

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

"It's ok being single". 

Not the mother, not the father.

GGF had not been in the best of moods all morning. A few months into my pregnancy and it was all now very real. The shock that "it" (IUI) had worked so quickly had passed, to be replaced by new emotions. For me, it was a sense of vulnerability, that this new life inside me meant that no matter what, I now would have this little person reliant and dependent on me, and for GGF what was going on with her emotions came out later that day!

Ignoring GGF's brooding mood, I insisted on a trip to Waterstones in town to pick up a baby journal, thinking it was something nice we could fill in together in preparation for our child's arrival. With hindsight it was a very bad idea to do that day and became a rather fruitless and painful excursion.

Inside we headed to the baby section and the overloaded shelf where pretty baby journal's were crammed on. Of course we wanted one that didn't reference "father" or "dad". I had wrongly assumed that the world had modernised but as we pulled off journal after journal, it became clear that same-sex or any sort of alternative family to 'one mum and one dad' was clearly non-existent to these retail providers. And it wasn't just same-sex families blatantly being ignored, but remarried families with step-siblings and step-parents, adopted and fostered families or where extended family members or grandparents were the main carers. I still feel surprised, but am more surprised at my surprise; did I really think the reality of modern life would be represented on this shelf?!

We settle on a journal that makes a single reference to 'dad' that can be easily stickered over, but GGF then quickly sidetracks herself with a different shelf about the neutral topic of food and baby weaning. I start looking at the advice books. Again they all use the word "father" or "dad" in the title, but I find one that seems full of fab advice for the paternal parent (my terminology here that seems to not be used at all in the baby section). I show GGF.

"I'm not the dad, I'm the mum" she grumpily and abruptly informs me, dissing the book I show her and any others I might be inclined to do the same with. "I know" I say, "but the advice is really good inside and it's only a title; the advice is still relevant", I try to rationalise to her. But she's not interested and I'm failing at alleviating the situation.

In fact I feel unable to help as I realise that what GGF is trying to resolve emotionally in herself and what she's worried about is whether she will connect with and love our unborn child when she's not genetically related. Will our child connect with her, and see her as their mum too, knowing that out there, is the other half of their genetics and what's GGF's role versus the donor's role in this relationship? What about society and how that will see her in our family - will she even be acknowledged? I see her battling with these emotions and thoughts, whilst I just feel frustrated at society that it continues to reinforce one family stereotype. It really does feel like there is very little support and advice for the expectant same-sex paternal parent*.

GGF was absolutely right, she was not going to be a "Dad" because she was not going to be emulating being a female version of one. She was going to be a parent in her own right; she just needed to figure out what that was for herself, without society trying to force the "dad' label on her just because it still refuses and cannot acknowledge and comprehend anything else.

*If you know of any good websites, blogs, bloggers, books or organisations sharing experiences for the expectant same-sex paternal parent do mention them in the comments.

** Following this eventful day I am pleased to say that I have since heard about My Amazing Family and Me written and designed by Jesse Toksvig-Stewart (the daughter of broadcaster Sandi Toksvig). Available at: http://www.uglyduckbooks.co.uk

A very typical lesbian love affair

The girlfriend might be away this weekend, but the title of this post is not me alluding to having any hanky panky in her absence! However this is about others who are.

In the last year I've seen some of my closest friends have their long term relationships come to an end through affairs – not untypical you might be thinking – except that, the partners were not actually (they claimed) having sex with the women they were having an affair with.

I've experienced it, the girlfriend has experienced it, and friends are being hurt because of it. It seems this is a very typical lesbian love affair; whereby women get together emotionally without the physical contact. There's sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy and emotional attachment resulting in secrecy, lying and loss of transparency with their partner.

They might hang out together or it might be an 'online' affair, confiding inner most thoughts and feelings with each other, they might express emotions for each other verbally or through 'signals' – but they don't kiss, they don't have sex. In their minds denying themselves this forbidden fruit means they are not and cannot be accused of, having an affair.

For those on the painful end of lesbian 'emotional affairs', the biggest element of this betrayal is the denial when the partner having the affair is challenged either prior or post break-up.

• They claim they did all they could to protect you from getting hurt during your break-up (by not getting physical with the woman who is now their new girlfriend).
  
  
• Outright deny they are having an affair so they don't have to face the consequences (yet!)
  
  
• Claim they only got with the person once you were separated so they can avoid the wrath of others. Let's face it, lesbian circles are small; to be isolated out from it, is a big deal!
  
  
• Deny it to themselves so they can feel less guilty about what they've actually done/doing. 'Affairs are what the straight world do' and are not in the realm of lesbianism!
  
  
• By not getting physical it looks to their peers like they got together after splitting up with respective partners so this new relationship is accepted by those peers; and as girlz barely pause for breath between relationships no-one questions the speed at which they 'moved on'.

• As I was reminded and wrote about in where and what is the lesbian moral code with exes, in the lesbian world, the moral boundary is not crossed if, “theoretically they’ve done nothing wrong”.

The sense of betrayal in an emotional affair is just as great as if it was a physical one. In many ways it is worse because for the partner they can often see and feel it happening, especially if it is with someone within their lesbian friendship circle or from the only lesbian pub in town. Denial makes them even more powerless. If you are engaging in an emotional affair, do the decent thing, and at least be honest about it! 

Lesbians eagerly airing their dirty laundry in public

I had anticipated that New Years Eve was going to be uneventful. I'd invited a friend I've known since my university days to Brighton to come and celebrate with me. Together with the girlfriend we headed to join others at the popular local gay pub.

I should have known that lesbians in a room together consuming alcohol is always going to lead to trouble in someone's quarter. I immediately sensed a problem brewing in mine when, a couple of hours into drinking, my shy and timid visiting friend returned from the bar,

"I've been chatting to a couple of girls at the bar. It's a really weird situation they've got going on. They've recently broken up but are out together."

"Don't get involved" I tell my mate, but know she's already too involved into the unfolding and unresolved issues of someone's else's relationship, may be to escape her own.

I notice one of the girls from the couple is hovering nearby and I feel annoyed by it.

Annoyed because this is what lesbians do. Instead of dealing with or accepting the crumbling state of  their relationship, they bring their dirty laundry to (in this case) the pub, involve and use others (stupid enough to get involved) to create jealously and push buttons in their partner.

All becomes distracted by Chiming Big Ben on the overhead speakers counting down those last 10 seconds of 2013.

We toast in the new year and attempt to sing Old Lang Syne but like most of the British populace I suspect, end up humming for the majority.

My friend disappears again.

A short time later she hurtles back at break-neck speed with a girl chasing her who slaps/pushes my friend's back in aggression and storms out the back door. My friend hides behind us.

"Oh my God, I've just kissed one of the girls from the couple at the bar and the girlfriend didn't like it! It was stupid of me but I just felt sorry for her" she tells me like a naughty school child.

"This is soooo typically lesbian!" I reply in my best teacher tone.

We rally the girls we're out with in case of further aggressive outbursts - this is when butch lesbians come into their own! I can see the girlfriend from the couple pacing outside.

Whilst my friend continues to hide behind us, all seems to calm down and the couple disappear in the throng of New Year celebrants. We decide it's the perfect opportunity to slip out and head home.

Growing old is feeling good

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going to be 37. Reflecting back through the decades, 37 is feeling a good year to celebrate and happily blow out the mass of candles struggling for room on the cake. I'm still feeling a comfortable distance from 40 but four decades after I arrived in the world, life has definitely become more settled and dare I say it, for fear that the Gods that like to play chess and gamble might hear - 'contented'.

Each previous decade has been marked by change and upheaval. I remember aged seven I was settling (reluctantly) into a new school in a new area following a house move by my parents. A decade later I  had recently come out to my best mate Annie and was looking forward to going to University and meeting "others like me". Aged 27 I had made the decision to leave my teaching career and plan what became a two year travel/work experience across Asia and Australasia.

In true fashion, I will be moving again shortly, not to London (where I work) as friends keep expecting me to do, but a mere mile away in the same city (Hove 'actually'!) to live with GGF in what hopefully will be the beginning of a new phase for the decades to come.

Compared to our fellow straight compatriots us lesbians generally settle down later in life. With few responsibilities lesbians can be found, way beyond any mid-life crisis and the onset of menopause quite happy to still be partying like they're 18. It may well be the case that you're as young as you feel, but even if my mind was willing, my body is definitely no longer as much.

I'll admit I'm still on the scene weekly, more than I would be otherwise if not for GGF and her mates who seem to still enjoy it, though I notice more and more of us seem to disappear like Cinderella before midnight arrives!

On occasion I will jealously look at my younger 20-something colleagues who bounce around the office full of energy every day, all day, even seemingly on hangovers, but I'm happy to accept that I no longer enjoy the things I once did: clubbing on a Saturday night, loud pubs, city centre living... spending money on beer.

Growing old is feeling good and I'm enjoying the change of pace that's occurring. I'm optimistic things will just get even better.

I think my girlfriend might be from Planet Vulcan

When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek I reckon he based the Vulcans on the German populace if my girlfriend's anything to go by. GGF takes a very logical and practical approach to all matters in life to the point where whenever I watch an episode of Enterprise, I can't help thinking how alike she is too Commander T'Pol, the Vulcan science officer!

T'Pol

So when we got onto the subject of gay marriage at the weekend triggered by something on Facebook, I was not at all surprised with how the conversation went:

"I'm not interested in getting married" GGF informs me.

"I've always liked the idea of getting married" I tell her, "or having a pagan handfasting ceremony - a public display to those who know us of our commitment and love to one another".

GGF's Vulcan side emerges.
"Only if it makes financial sense like if your money is tied together and because it gives your partner power of attorney. Then marriage makes practical sense and would be the only reason I would marry"

"What about commitment and romanticism?" I ask, somewhat disappointed that my dreams of a romantic nuptial will never materialise.

"What, running around stressed your family are going to have a big fall out and making sure everything's going to go OK? Being in a relationship IS commitment, isn't that enough?!"

Whilst GGF is uninterested in any form of commitment ceremony and therefore takes little interest in whether civil partnerships or same-sex marriage is allowed, I'm firmly in support of the same-sex marriage bill being implemented giving us equal rights reflected in an equal law and allowing those who believe in a God, the right to have their love acknowledged in a church ceremony.

I would never marry for just practical reasons but because my heart wants it so. Thankfully just as T'Pol is praised for her tolerance of emotional and irrational humans to be the longest serving Vulcan officer on a human ship, so too does GGF tolerate my rather more soppy side.  Maybe in time I can bring out her soppy side too!

Vulcans by the way have only arranged marriages often decided during their childhood.

May be not me, but I'm a firm
supporter of the right to marry.

Love will set you free - or will it?!

German Girlfriend was away again for this years Valentine's Day – last year she headed off to snow topped slopes and this year she's headed off for sun, sea and sand. Having started a new job in London, I wasn't in a position to go with her.

Love was definitely in the air at work– there were a number of deliveries of red roses in the office, one of my colleagues left early to have fun with her beau whilst others described the things they had planned for their romantic evening and bolted for the exit when the clock struck five.

I attempted to block it all out as just another day. Cynical GGF did attempt to send me an e-card, knowing I would want something being more of a romantic than herself but it didn't work, with neither technology nor romance her forte.

Despite my efforts Valentine's was hard with the girlfriend away but then she's not into it anyway; her absence about how little she rates it. It summed up to me though, how emotional love can be for the wrong reasons.

My former boss once commented to me “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”.

Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable.

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given.

I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from other causes. My heart felt broken when GGF went away – I had to keep reminding myself she was coming back and I wasn't dumped!

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence.

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

Today at work a colleague asked if I'd swap my brain for a robot one if I could – giving me super intelligence.

“Like the Borg in Star Trek?” I asked. “Or Data?”

I pondered his question seriously, as the idea had some appeal.

“But then I'd have no emotions.” I say realising how much these actually, good or bad, make us who we are. “I'm not sure I want to be emotionless. The Borg were mean – I wouldn't want to be like that and even Data developed an emotion chip he believed it so necessary!”

Lesbian Relationships & A Christmas Ornament

There's never a right time in the annual calendar to end a relationship. Christmas is days away followed by New Year's Eve, followed by Valentine's Day. The annual two week holiday to Lesvos is booked for Spring, friend's are getting civil partnered in Summer (so you don't want to overshadow their happiness) and at some point there are each others birthday's, not to mention whatever circumstances life might be throwing at you as individuals. No there's really never a good time.

Today I helped a friend move out and on from her relationship.  Driving back in the car loaded up with her belongings,  our melancholy thoughts permeated the car's atmosphere.

"It was the right thing to do" she affirms to herself, trying to relieve the guilt. "I just couldn't carry on ignoring our differences - that would have been wrong to do, to lie that all is still ok."

We share experiences about our relationships past and present, regrets, resentment, disappointments, hindsight we've learned from, the broken hearts that healed.

As we talk, the Christmas spirit passes us by; mini santa's dangling from walls, sparkly lights draped around doorways and brightly decorated tree's standing proud in windows.

"Relationships are fragile like Christmas bauble's" I pitch in. "As two individuals you will always have differences in a relationship. It's how much you are able and willing to accept those differences and compromise to enable the relationship to work.  But the relationship is continually under threat from external and internal forces that challenge those differences and the compromises made. What might have once been a difference that was OK with you, isn't anymore".

People think of relationships as something that are strong -  may be because they have such trust and confidence in their partners - 'their rock'. But my experience is they're just as easy to break as a Christmas bauble.

Money worries in lesbian relationships

They say opposites attract and there's no doubt that German Girlfriend (GGF) and I are like chalk and cheese. Our differences have drawn us together and give us both plenty of fodder to jest and joke at each other with, but there's one difference that is no joking matter in this relationship or any other. It's a difference that I think has the ability to repel even the closest of partners, cause the greatest strain and poses the greatest threat to any relationship.

GGF is a senior manager whilst I lost my job in August and now survive on unemployment benefit; our incomes as extreme as our chalk and cheese personalities. Even before I was made redundant though, our incomes were a noticeable (to us) few thousand apart. Differences in wage are hard I think on any relationship, gay or straight. I struggle with it. It has not always been the case that I'm the skint one. I have been in the situation with a previous girlfriend when I was the one that had the riches; it was equally tough and I believe, contributed to its demise.

I know of other (gay) relationships where the incomes are also extreme and the partner, dependant on the other, have no qualms spending their partners money as if it's their own. People are quick to say, 'wouldn't it be lovely to be the kept one', but the reality can be far from idyllic as you lose independence, become akin to a child where your 'guardian' has control over the purse strings and therefore it takes a certain individual to be happy in that situation.

Even if like GGF and I, you don't live together, money still affects everything. It determines what you can do together from how many (if any) holidays or trips can be taken, whether you can join your mates (and girlfriend) down the pub, go out for a restaurant meal or having to deliberate over invitations to events, concerts and shows because you can't afford the ticket and travel prices. The choice becomes when and if to do things together and when and what the girlfriend pays for. Agony Aunt columns on the matter often refer to disputes over additional choices for those living together like who pays what with household bills and other household items.

I'm fiercely independent and a complete control freak, neither of which help me deal with being the dependent pauper. I hate someone else having to pay out for me, it gives me a huge sense of guilt and shame. GGF says she doesn't care, jokes (seriously) that when I get back on my feet, she'll put hers up - though she's even more fiercely independent than me, so would hate the reality too!

In previous generations, this financial divide would have been the norm with the stay at home housewife and mother, but the norm now is both partners working whereby financial differences can have a huge influence on a relationship, my advice is simply to never underestimate it.

The two things gay girls will always tell you

There's two common statements that get uttered from just about all single gay girls mouths. Both really annoy me because both are pointless statements. I'll explain why.

The first classic they say is 'they don't do one night stands'.

Whenever one of my friends comes out of a relationship they immediately start wanting to meet someone for their next one. They're horny, they're lonely, they're hurting. I tell them they shouldn't rush in, they should just have some fun, sort out their sexual needs and give themselves some space to heal, enjoy their freedom from a relationship for a while before embarking immediately in another.

Of course this falls on deaf ears.

"I've never had a one night stand" they immediately tell you. "I can't do it. It's just not for me. I just don't do one night stands" they insist, often going on to explain why they would find this difficult.

Before you know it they've hooked up with someone on the pretence of it being a relationship - as I said in 'Relationship on the first date' lesbians don't date - if you have sex you're in a relationship, maybe that's why gay girls pursue sex after friendship?

There should be a new Dictionary definition added,
'Relationship-night stand' - An intense multiple sex-linked erotic experience by (commonly two) lesbians lasting for a brief period of time in which they feel ecstatic and in love.  

The second statement lesbians make is to repeatedly tell you they are not ready for a relationship. But unable to 'do' one night stands, horny, lonely and hurting, dating not part of lesbian courtship; they embark on a 'relationship' with you, suitcases heavier than the 20kg weight allowance. Under the strain or because they catch the eye of another, this becomes a 'relationship-night stand'.

Whenever I hear either of these two statements, I know they mean neither because what they actually mean is they want both at the same time.

The lesbian relationship cycle explained

I pull off my shelf the well-known book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by psychotherapist Dr M. Scott Peck. Gathering dust for many years its’ been waiting for the day to finally be opened.

I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!

Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.

‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.

Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.

'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.

Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.

I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.

Now it all makes perfect sense. 

How to judge if your new girlfriend will treat you right

I was having a sort out of photos today on the computer. There's all the usual one's of me out and about with friends, a few family ones, lots of me with exes, a few of me posing and a collection I took of my Peace Lily plant about two years ago.

I took the images at the time because I felt like a proud mum, my Peace Lily now big and strong and flowering for the first time as it came of age and I had nurtured it along from when it was just a small delicate cutting.

Looking at these photos I remembered how my friends would joke that I was growing my own rainforest in the small studio flat I called home. Having just counted all the plants I have 12 plus 4 tomato plants on the balcony!

This got me thinking about relationships.

My passion for all that is flora has grown as I've got older along with my need to nurture and I've increasingly observed those in my life and if they have anything 'living' in their homes that they tend too.

I think how someone looks after a plant (or any living creature) in their home, is a strong sign of how they will treat you in a relationship. If they have no plants (or pets) at all, I would consider this great cause for concern. To me an incapability to care for a single plant must mean they are quite self-absorbed and selfish.

The Ex was terrible at keeping anything alive. Plant after plant died on her often from sheer thirst. Even the hardiest struggled looking lacklustre and weak, only to be defeated by the continued weeks of neglect. She always meant well, bought them with good intention but always had other priorities. Which sums up well our relationship.

I was somewhat relieved to see what looked like a healthy single plant growing in German Girlfriend's room when I first went to her home. I have at times since felt it necessary to take it off the table to give it a good soak, each time GGF trying to assure me as I do so, that she does water it... when she remembers too. GGF will openly admit she's not a planner, her actions impromtu, leaving both her plant and me treated in an adhoc manner.

And yes, my over zealousness with my plants could be implied to mean that I'm meticulous and a complete fusspot - which for some would be completely annoying traits.

So the next time you meet a girl and you go to her place for the first time, don't concern yourself with her music collection or book shelf, but take a good look at her plants and how they seem treated. Ask yourself if what you see is acceptable for you.

The New Girlfriend Gets Upgraded

The weekend before last, The New Girlfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary together by heading over to Berlin for their annual (Pride) Lesbian and Gay Street Festival. It was a perfect way to celebrate our relationship and mark the last 12 months together. We bought each other gifts too whilst there - The New Girlfriend bought me a pretty necklace of blue beads (blue is my favourite colour) and I bought her a large mug (hand-made!) for her morning coffee - which I insist on pointing out she was equally delighted with!

Even with my 'committed' relationship status though I still don't seem to experience the usual traits of 'lesbian coupledom'. When asking The New Girlfriend what should I do if The Flatmate moves out at the end of the tenancy, The New Girlfriend stated simply "You'll just have to get a new flatmate". So there won't be any removal vans turning up anytime soon!

The New Girlfriend also likes her own space to chill out alone or catch up with friends but then I also like a lot of time to myself to do my own projects such as blogging here on IOASN. Many of the lesbian relationships I see taking place with friends would be far too claustrophobic and intense for me to be comfortable in. I guess me and the The New Girlfriend have that in common with each other, even if not with other lesbian couples.

Since we celebrated our first anniversary a number of friends have commented that The New Girlfriend is, well, not so new anymore and she needs an upgrade on IOASN.  So I've been pondering and The New Girlfriend said she 'hopes it's nice' (?????). So after some thought and based on The New Girlfriend being German and therefore known to most already as 'German ........' which she doesn't seem to take offence at, I've decided to update The New Girlfriend to  *drumroll please* .......

..........the 'German Girlfriend' or 'GGF' for short.

I know not very exciting, but now that's not a usual anniversary gift for most girls!

A typical Lesbian Scene

I had three birthday cards to buy and so was browsing the isles of the entire card shop.

'OH MY GOD! That is such a lesbian card!'

"This card is suitable for so many situations" the cashier tells me as I hand over my purchase. "It's brilliant, so brilliant I'm going to write a blog about it" I tell him. 

As a CRF (find out what this is in a previous post here), I have been in this situation so many times as a lesbian with my mantra for many years being, 'lesbians always come in pairs - don't let it stop you.'

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton

The cashier was right, suitable for so many situations:

'Congratulations on your civil partnership'

'Sorry to hear about your break-up'

'Welcome to single lesbian life'

'Please don't break up with me...'

Or feeling bitter, send it to your ex girlfriend/wife:

'This will be you!'

'Congratulations on your new girlfriend'

'Enjoy your divorce!'

Yes, the perfect lesbian card.

Can you think of any other captions this is appropriate for?

You're Not My Kind Of Girl

The first thing I want to find out about you when it comes to love, even when I browse dating sites is your star sign because there are star signs I like to avoid.  Not because of what the astrologers say about how well we might or might not match but because I think there are associated character traits which I've come to learn through previous painful experience that do not mix well with my own.

"That's stupid!" You may well question, but then we all do this in different forms: 'She's blond, I like brunettes', 'She's butch, I like femmes', She's too tall and she's too broad', 'She's too this, and not enough that' - the list we have in search for 'the one' are often endless.

My favourite source of advice when searching for the right girl

It was rather refreshing when my friends picked The New Girlfriend on my behalf. The astrologers clearly state it's a match made in hell and in my own opinion she wasn't 'my type' at all, and I not hers. If I'd had the spec's sheet of 'my type' to hand, I doubt any boxes would've been ticked. Which could explain how we both have managed to live in Brighton for 12 years, our lives criss-crossing and not notice each other at all. It's not just about looks either, our lives are like polar opposites too which if left to our initial judgement of each other, meant we couldn't possibly be compatible.

"She's perfect for you", my friends assured me. "Trust us, we know better than you".

So far so good and friends were right in seeing what we couldn't with what would work well for us.

Repeatedly I see and hear my single friends closing themselves off to opportunities of meeting someone, sometimes with just a glance because of who they perceive is right or wrong for them.  I feel lucky that my friends stepped in ("because you're rubbish at picking your own girlfriend's" they said) and showed me that we are not always the best judge of ourselves or of others and what's best for us.

So next time you're out looking, I suggest putting your check-list and pre-conceptions away, open yourself up to new possibilities with those you may not normally consider. Ask your most trusted friends to help you find a girlfriend and before you rush to state 'she's not my type', just think what the hell, she just may well be.