A straight World - A cultural shift in my life

After spending many years (as this blog testifies) of my life primarily hanging out in lesbian circles, the birth of LJ has changed all that and i've all of a sudden found myself in a totally straight world.

Since coming out around 20 years ago my social life has been focused around and in LGBT culture from hanging out on The Scene with mates to being part of LGBT groups and committees and even working for an LGBT charity. But becoming a parent means i've started spending more time with other mums and it turns out all of them are straight and I've found myself the only lesbian amongst them. At anti-natal classes GGF and I were the only expectant same-sex couple, at the local 'new Mum and Baby' group I am the only lesbian, and LJ and I see plenty of other mums (and a few dads) and their babies all of similar age regularly at the weekly baby classes we attend and I'm the only queer mamma; LJ the only baby with same-sex parents. It doesn't bother me, it doesn't seem to bother anyone else, it's not stopped us making new friends, but it's a cultural shift in my life. 

A lot of our friends, like many lesbian couples have been forced to leave Brighton & Hove finding it unaffordable for their expanding needs and moved further west to Portslade or Worthing or moved out of the region altogether. Women are still fighting for equality in the workplace with wages and promotion, women's products are still priced higher than their male equivalents and even female baby clothes cost more than those for boy babies. When you are a two-women family you generally have less income so it compounds the affordability of living here. Me and GGF are fortunate we can, maybe that's why, even though we live in the "gay capital", we find ourselves the only gay parents here?

You are assumed to be in a heterosexual relationship unless you say otherwise and LJ is assumed to have a daddy. It means constantly coming out. I mostly refer to GGF as partner at baby groups because coming out to everyone all of the time can get exhausting and boring.

Not every child will have a mum and dad and not every child will be raised by a mum and dad or be genetically related to those raising them, yet this pervasive assumption is there. It would be better if there was more wider acknowledgement of the diversity of families, not with just same-sex families. It will be something that LJ equally will have to contend with and correct people on as he gets older. Knowing his family is different and he doesn't have a daddy will be something he will realise very quickly.

It's easier when GGF and I are together as a family as it's more obvious than when it's just me and LJ. We often then do not have to explain anything or 'come out', we do not have to explain our family, we are just a family unit.

Our experience in this moment, has more in common with the straight couples who have babies of similar age than other gay people because our shift of focus has moved to LJ rather than our social life. Equally they are going through some of the same challenges in raising a baby. In some ways their experiences are different and in many ways they are the same.


*Both Rainbow Families and the Donor Conception Network provide a regular meet-up in the city for same-sex parents. 

Transient in Brighton

The joke goes that when you visit Brighton for a weekend, you'll be unlikely to leave again. A weekend turns into a week, which turns into a month and before you know it, you've rented a place to live. Which is why when you ask almost anyone how long they've lived in Brighton, most responses will range from "only a month" to two or three years. If you've lived here 16 years as I have, you get weird looks like you've actually overstayed your welcome! 

It's an easy place to make friends if you're sociable enough, a place to relax in where you are easily accepted for who you are, a place where you can discover yourself without anyone judging. It's a place where you are encouraged to be out rather than in and it's easy to get caught up in a never-ending invite to events and activities to suit whatever your preferences and taste. So it's not hard to figure out why people get caught up in the "Brighton bubble", stay and call this home; at least for a short while. 

Brighton though is a transient city. People come here to have fun. They come to study hard and party hard at one of the two universities, they come to enjoy their summer by the sea picking up casual work in the busy and social cafes and bars, they come to teach in one of the hundreds of language schools, or take time to zen out with plenty of shared company at the holistic centres dotted across the city. 

But that transient population go again. Because they've burnt out and realise that book they wanted to write hasn't been started yet, because they've spent all their savings and need to head back to the safety of Mum & Dad before they accrue more debt, because they realise they cannot afford to buy if they want to settle down, so they move out to the cheaper areas of Portslade or Worthing, or they get dogs and decide to move to the countryside or they decide to head to the bright lights of London to start their career or be part of a bigger scene; Brighton can feel claustrophobic if you stay too long. 

Living in a transient city means that friends and your friendship groups are very transient too as people move away with a frequency I believe to be unique to this city. Lesbian groups especially, assisted by relationship break ups and marriages can literally obliterate them to fragments. The former because no-one can hang out together anymore as loyal sides are taken and the latter because they simply don't go out anymore!

To last the course here, just like the tide, you have to move with the ebb and flow of changes and willing to adjust, you have to say no to a few invites every now and again in order to persue your ambitions and dreams and if you want to buy here, definitely don't get a dog, or a baby! 

Donor Conceived Babies: An Acceptance of Normality

For me, using a donor known only by his catalogue number seemed the most right decision for us as a family. We considered other options but always came back to the choice that we went on to make.

Living in Brighton I knew that our family would have an 'acceptance of normality'; that our child would likely know others with same-sex parents and therefore donor conceived as well. 

Attending anti-natal class and baby groups, I have surprisingly found myself the only lesbian couple and lesbian mum respectively. Where once the people I hung out with were mostly gay and childless, the arrival of our baby has changed all that with my time now spent with other mums, the majority of whom, are not gay. 

I can only assume, based on the other lesbian mothers/couples I have met, that with house prices so high in Brighton & Hove they have all moved out to Portslade & Worthing! 

The sun out, wind calm and the temperature high, I head to the beach to meet up with other mums. By coincidence every mum beachside with their baby was conceived using male and female donors.  That shared knowledge connects us and allows us to talk freely about the decisions we made.

I was not expecting to be the "only gay mum in the (Hove) village" but so far have found myself to be. Instead what I have found, due to the average age of childbearing women being late 30's and 40's, is to be surrounded by heterosexual couples/mums with babies also conceived by anonymous donors either because they are still single or because of fertility issues. 

My expectation of 'acceptance of normality' as one of many same-sex couples is completely different to the reality where it is donor conception being widely used by straight couples that provides me that shared experience with others.  

When your path to a family might be different, it seems you become part of the majority. 

Telling people you're pregnant when you're gay

Whilst a very few of my very long standing friends knew I wanted children at some point, it was never something I actively spoke of. I never coo-d over other people's, rarely came into contact with anyone who had children and my career has always been at the forefront of my priorities. So it was something easy to be silent about. Plus it's still not something overly spoken or assumed about in the gay community.

GGF always knew (I think!) that I might want children one day, but was unbothered either way so left it to me to decide if and when it was to happen. Then one day, following my 38th birthday after contemplating that it was either now or never and the "is this the right time" question was no longer up for debate, I knew I had to make a decision.

I did so by simply saying to GGF "it's time" and she responded with a simple "OK".

Fast forward six months and the window on the pee stick shows a clear and distinct blue cross. The 12 week milestone feels an agonising wait but when it's successfully reached I feel reluctant to tell others our good news and feel relieved it's not yet noticeable. When you're gay and stop drinking, no-one even assumes it's because you're pregnant, so it's not even mentioned unless you do.

It feels like having to come out all over again, not only to family, but this time to gay friends. I wonder at how they will take this unexpected news? Will it be met with disapproval; by my family because of the unknown half of DNA, by friends for doing something sooo "heterosexual" and by work colleagues, some of whom might have strong views (especially if they'd been listening to Pope Francis reinforcing the Catholic view that only heterosexual parents enables healthy parenting during my 13th week!)

It's a nervous time telling family, wondering if they will accept this grandchild/nephew/niece like they accept their others; I need not have worried, my Mum more surprised than anything.
"I always thought you were a career girl" she says.
"I still am Mum, can't a woman have both? I plan too!"
"Well, as long as it's really what you want"
"Bit late to change my mind!"
(Mum now super excited, once the surprise element had passed!)

Then we cheated, and whilst we had begun to tell some of our friends one by one as we saw them which I found excruciatingly painful, ("how boring" was one response!), we posted a status update on Facebook following our first scan. Phew! Social media making it far easier, although some friends and family still didn't realise it was us having the baby!

We got lots of babysitting offers.

But like all couples, the next element will be who of our friends still wants to hang out with us, once our new family member joins us and life out on the gay scene as we were, is no more. 

Is it a lesbian party or dog school?!

The sun's shining, there are signs of spring and lesbians are coming out from hibernation. If you want a party or BBQ you can guarantee at this time of year, there's a lesbian get together somewhere near you. 

However if you've been invited along you'll discover that there's lots of new additions to the party. No, I'm not talking a baby boom in the lesbian populace (just yet!) but I am talking dogs. There's been an explosion of puppy parenting in Brighton and whilst this is good news for the animal shelters (shame on you otherwise!), depending on your viewpoint this could be good or bad news for any BBQ you've got planned as you'll need to keep hold of your pint and your sausage. 

Not content with one dog, it's common to find lesbian households with two or three. Times that by multiple lesbian households at your party and even the most popular of girls will find our four legged friends are outnumbering our human ones! I've noticed that one friend has even put a restriction of "one dog per person" for her upcoming get together to control their number before it gets out of hand. 

It seems that lesbians are ditching cats in favour of being dog lovers, and just like human nurseries, you can find lots of obsessive parenting with shared doggy tales around the camp fire, as well as helpful and empathetic tips and advice when your Bruno the Bull Terrier goes ballistic because Sandy the Staff has stolen his ball.  

If you're allergic to dog hair or not a dog lover, or actually just want to chat about something other than dogs, you've been warned, this may be a summer you prefer to sit out. 

The dogs will be looking to have just as much fun as you!
Copyright Whiskers Resort. 

Gay babies - changing the way we converse

Last night I watched a short lesbian film called ‘Birthday’ about two women who had one child together from insemination about eight years ago and wished for a second. It turns out that the to-be birth mother fed up with the turkey-baster approach ineffectively working has slept with the sperm donor to conceive much to the disapproval of her wife.

It reminded me of a birthday gathering last weekend where babies once again were the familiar topic of conversation, despite the group being gay men and women. One of the lesbian couples there were in the process of trying for a baby and my gay mate (the birthday boy) quietly whispered to me later ‘They asked me – but I said no!’

Babies came up again a few days later at an LGBT networking event, when another gay mate jokingly commented that ‘he had never been asked to be a donor – and wondered what was wrong!?’

His tongue in cheek comment a response to an increasingly familiar subject matter that were once the realm of heterosexuals but are now definitely a part of gay life – marriage, babies, children, schools - topics we all agreed at the networking event which made straight parties boring.

Mixed friendship groups of lesbians and gays has become akin to a family planning clinic where wombs and sperm are up for bartering over during a night out. I find it sad that it’s come to this – where friendship means the inevitable question will be asked with girls propositioning their male mates and male mates getting personal with their female friends. New friendships are made with the undertone of sussing each other out for potential shared parenthood, whilst other friendships are lost when your sperm or womb is pronounced as ‘not available’.

As an ever increasing number successfully make the move into parenthood or seek it, they are re-shaping the relationship between the gay community and the lesbian community, the way we socialise, engage and converse and where marriage, babies, children and schools are now a part of that. 

The right way to introduce your ex

Last night was a pretty typical night for me. I bumped into an old friend of mine, we chatted and then my ex turns up behind her - seems they're out together for the night. Stiff pleasantries are exchanged between me and the ex.

A friend I'm out with a few minutes later turns up at my side. I introduce those I'm chatting too.

"This is C.......  an old friend. This is M......., an ex of mine."

My ex turns away with a disapproving snigger.

"What's wrong?" I ask, peeved that within five minutes she's already found something to belittle me over.

"The way you introduced me. It's really funny". She responds with contempt, her sniggers continuing.

"Well, how exactly would you like me to introduce you for future reference?!"

She replies by stating her name.

"But you are my ex and I was putting you into context for my friend. You're not just M....... to me because you're more than that. Saying you're my ex shows that you're more than some random person I've met this evening that I'm introducing"

Clearly my ex thinks differently. But then she holds contempt of me like I'm forever meant to be atoning for something and probably enjoys finding whatever fault she can to pick me apart.

I ask GGF, my flatmate and work colleague for their opinion on the matter. Was I in the wrong I ask?

It seems not. They agree that when introducing those you know to friends, you do invariably put them into context of how you know them including exes, because the next question will always be 'so how do you know each other?'

I think my ex was being way OTT and I will be doing exactly the same again next time.

Remembering Gavin with the Hankie Quilt Project

The Hankie Project is 'a Brighton & Hove based community project created to support those who are living with HIV/AIDS and to remember those we have lost'. The community is invited to be creative and submit a 12” x 12” hankie or panel with the name and a personal message on it as a lasting memory. Groups and business are also invited to submit larger panels which can be added to the Quilt.

The Hankie Quilt carried at Brighton Pride

When I found out about the Hankie Quilt Project, I knew immediately who I would do a panel for. My best friend Gavin. Gavin died on October 4th 2005 aged 29. He had been living with HIV for 8 years. His death was sudden and unexpected, following what was described as a 'routine operation'. He wasn't meant to die, the operation wasn't meant to be life threatening – but 24 hours after surgery and he was no longer alive.

For the last two days I have been cutting and stitching my panel. I chose a sunflower for my panel because in the book of registered deaths at the cemetery where his ashes lay, his mum chose a sunflower for his inscription. I'm not sure of the significance, but know she chose it with purpose, so it felt the most appropriate symbol to represent Gavin on the panel.

Gavin had always struggled with his HIV status. To the outside world Gavin put on a brave face and seemed to just get on with life and it, but internally in his head his status effected him mentally and emotionally and he was ill quite a lot with AIDS related viruses and infections.

At first I wanted to do the panel for Gavin to represent his presence within the Brighton LGBT community attending support and social groups and volunteering for Allsorts Youth Project;  his friendships with many from the community who still live here including me; his presence in Brighton marked by something permanent. But as I stitched over a number of hours I questioned whether he'd appreciate it, realising how much this was for me and my need to remember him – hence I made his name more subtle on the panel than in bold big letters!

His name in letters - a bit more subtle

As I stitched I remembered all the wonderful memories I have of our time together, stuff that's so easy to forget – the things he loved to do, the little things he liked, the things we did together, his personality perfectly described in Allsorts' tribute as ' a softness of character sat alongside a very steely core that would speak up against any form of injustice with a rage and a determination'. I thought about the others he knew who also miss him and the people I don't know from the groups and services he attended that may see the panel and recognise his name. It gave me great joy to do this and lots of tears too.

My finished piece

Gavin wrote two pieces for Blue Deep Sea (2001), an Allsorts Youth Project anthology of young people’s writings. For this he wrote very honestly about how he contracted HIV, included diary entries about the day he found out, wrote about telling his family and friends, his experience of combination therapy treatments and coming to terms with life living with HIV. You can read his writing's about his experience of HIV in the following tribute by Jess Wood on the Allsorts website (page 45 onwards).

The Quilt of panels will be carried through the city by the Bear-Patrol and friends as part of the Pride Parade on September 1st. The Quilt will then go on Exhibition as part of 'Worlds Aids Day' at the Brighton Library on December 2012.

Lesbian Obession with Men and Sex

"You've never slept with a man have you?" The Flatmate asks reconfirming what she's heard.

This conversation started because The Flatmate and I were discussing a woman we knew having a very masculine like attitude at times.

"No" I confirm. "I am a 'Gold Star' lesbian," or 'thoroughbred' which is the new modern term (Stallion for boys).
"Not even touched 'it'?! she now questions, wanting specifics on what exactly I have and haven't done with a man.
"No" I state blandly, completely uninterested in this now developing conversation thread.
"But you've had boyfriends?" she frowns perplexed
"Yes, but I came out quite young" I point out.
"And you never had sex at all in any form" she persists.
"No" I repeat.

Satisfied about my 'Gold Star' status, conversation moves on. But this type of enquiry and conversation around who came out when and our history of heterosexual relationships with men is not uncommon within a lesbian group or among friends.

It's weird how as lesbians, we're all quite un-interested in lesbian sex with many considering companionship and the state of their relationship outside of the sheets more important, quite happily letting 'lesbian bed death' occur after the first initial months. Yet lesbians seem preoccupied and rather obsessed about any form of sex involving men.

Just as the conversation with The Flatmate demonstrated, amongst a social circle of friends we'll all know who's had boyfriends in their past, the longest relationship with a man and even when their last heterosexual relationship was or like me, who are the 'thoroughbred' lesbians. However, we often know very little about each others girlfriend history unless we've had direct experience whilst being friends.

Lesbian's do not just have an obsession with the men in each others lives, as it extends to an obsession with whether our sexual practises are similar to that of heterosexual sex, especially with the use of toys. I've had girls reject any type of penetration and say no to the use of any type of dildo linking it to 'emulating men' and heterosexual identity. The sex survey by Diva magazine got girls all heated over the issue on their Facebook page with camps firmly split between those who refuse to use toys in the bedroom and those who do...

Then there's bisexuality which gets lesbians even hotter for all the wrong reasons; hearing a lesbian say 'I won't date a bisexual' is probably one of the most heard statements within the community. Again lesbians obsessing about men and sex, confusing bisexuality with polyamory or non-monogamy in the process. Whilst those who identify as transgender have equally felt excluded and isolated out by the hatred and prejudice from lesbians. 


Then there are lesbians who do still sleep with men for a multitude of potentially complex reasons; a complete taboo in the lesbian community. Admit to this as a lesbian, you could find your sexuality questioned, yourself isolated from your friends and shunned from your friendship groups. The level of venom expressed again on the Diva magazine Facebook page about the subject forced me to respond...

It's interesting to me that (for whatever reasons) I've noticed just how obsessed lesbians are with men and sex, whether that be talking about it in relation to our pasts and establishing our sexual identity with peers, distancing ourselves from any perceived 'emulation' within our present and rejecting those whose identity is still intertwined with men and sex with men.

What perplexes me further is that despite this 'obsession-rejection'of men, lesbians will obsessively watch 22 men run around a football pitch and hibernate for the Euro 2012 to do so! Go figure?! 

A typical Lesbian Scene

I had three birthday cards to buy and so was browsing the isles of the entire card shop.

'OH MY GOD! That is such a lesbian card!'

"This card is suitable for so many situations" the cashier tells me as I hand over my purchase. "It's brilliant, so brilliant I'm going to write a blog about it" I tell him. 

As a CRF (find out what this is in a previous post here), I have been in this situation so many times as a lesbian with my mantra for many years being, 'lesbians always come in pairs - don't let it stop you.'

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton

The cashier was right, suitable for so many situations:

'Congratulations on your civil partnership'

'Sorry to hear about your break-up'

'Welcome to single lesbian life'

'Please don't break up with me...'

Or feeling bitter, send it to your ex girlfriend/wife:

'This will be you!'

'Congratulations on your new girlfriend'

'Enjoy your divorce!'

Yes, the perfect lesbian card.

Can you think of any other captions this is appropriate for?

Shit Straight Girls Say.... to Lesbians

Doing the rounds around my les-bi friends on Facebook is the following video that I just have to share as I couldn't stop laughing.

Put together by Laura Catlow, singer, writer and musician from Blackpool, this is a parody of Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls, which was a parody of Shit Black Girls Say, which was a parody of Shit Girls Say!

I think this tickled my funny bone as I have a number of lovely straight female friends, but have heard just about all the following innocently and naively spoken from their lips!

You can find more information about Laura Catlow on her website http://flavors.me/lauracatlow and follow her on Twitter @catlowman.

Dyke Drama - There's No Avoiding It In A Lesbian World

Love it or hate it, they can’t be avoided. Dyke dramas are part of the lesbian world and culture, and we seem to thrive on them. The urban dictionary describes it as ‘the constant challenges and sometimes strife affecting lesbians, due to affairs and gossip’. 

Walk into the lesbian pub, club night or party and you are confronted with girls having heated arguments and bystanders caught in the middle. Being able to keep out of dyke drama is the biggest challenge as when they happen they act like a tornado sucking everyone and everything into their path.

I’ve been embroiled in my own fair share as a result of friendship disputes, relationship break-ups, affairs, jealousy, group dynamics, over zealous loyalty, drug use and alcohol consumption.  It doesn’t matter where you go either: Brighton, London, Sydney or New York, town or village, within an hour of meeting a group of gay girls you will know who’s welcome to the party and who’s not, who’d ‘better not show up’, who’s the outcaste of the moment, who’s sleeping with who, who’s got a drink problem and who you should avoid getting close too. 

At the last party I went to, upon mentioning who I had my candy-eyes upon, I was told in no uncertain terms to ‘back-off’; it seemed I wasn’t the only one interested. The same individual then challenged me in a competition-like challenge, but I declined saying I was not into duelling over a girl and swiftly moved my attention elsewhere. I was seeking an easy drama-less one night stand, not the opposite.

Party in full swing and beneath all the joviality was a can of worms waiting to be unleashed. Someone’s stormed off feeling intimidated – something to do with having come onto the (ex) wife of someone else, behaviour that wasn’t welcomed. Meanwhile the civil partnered couple are coming onto others and one is caught snogging my best mate. It wasn’t long before all hell had broken loose and dyke drama's were exploding everywhere! 

Out celebrating New Years Eve’s with 200 women in the same venue, it was inevitable that at least one dyke drama was never going to be far away as the celebrations took place.  I had a great time, but at midnight there were fireworks not just in the sky overhead. A friend of a friend has kissed a girl that wasn’t her girlfriend. Witnessed, tears and arguments now follow and the friends who should be toasting the start of 2012 are instead now caught in the middle as they are left to console, support and unravel events.  I’m relieved to not be involved, though disappointed my friend (understandably) has to leave to attend to her distraught friend. 

Regardless of the reasons for them, dyke drama is part and parcel of my world. It’s about being a woman and it’s about being a lesbian, it’s about the friendships we share and the relationships we have.  There is no avoiding it if you're in the lesbian world.

Kissing Your Best Friend

Down the pub and over a pint a friend was recounting how after a recent drunken night out with her best-mate they’d ended up snogging.  Laughing about it she goes on to tell me, “but we quickly realised that no, there was nothing there.  It’s OK though”, she goes on in response to my worried expression about her friendship, “we’ve just put it in the past and forgotten about it”. 

It’s not an unfamiliar tale and one that most lesbians have experience of, usually from a night out and with varying outcomes and consequences.  

I’ve kissed my best mate. It was during a messy drunken game of ‘Truth or Dare’ with a bunch of girlz that we knew. Nearly everyone had kissed someone during the game and kissing my best mate was the easier option when it came to my turn.  “Urghhhh” my mate squeals as we lock lips. “It’s like kissing my sister!” 

We put it down to an experience we didn’t need to repeat; just like my friend I was now in the pub with had.  I’ve never known anyone to lose their best mate over a drunken kiss unless it was a straight girl or their kiss led to a drunken something else that’s harder to‘forget’. 

It can also lead to a ‘complicated’ relationship. You are such great mates, you have fun times, you share everything, you have a connection, know each other better than anyone else... it seems logical to get it together, you practically are anyway!

But love has a funny way of changing things. Who we are with our mates is not who we are in relationships. Suddenly there are boundaries that were previously not there as certain behaviours that were acceptable as friends are not acceptable as a couple. It now feels like a nagging relationship as you re-adjust to being together in a new way whilst your best friend may seem like someone who has gone from your life.  

Kissing your best-mate may seem like a good idea when intoxicated, but the outcome could well turn out to be your worst hangover.  

Losing Friendships When THEY Gain Lovers

We were like the three musketeers with a quest that involved misadventure and women, just like in the story. Together we too had duelled, had love interests and affairs, consoled and had to rescue each other from many a messy situation.

We pub crawled, partied, clubbed and discoed together nearly every week, Thurs-gay night, Friday night and often Saturday night too. We made the effort to go to any sporadic women-only events that were on, even if they weren’t to our own taste. 

At times we’d be in side-splitting laughter as we commiserated, more often than not on another diabolical night out, whilst at other times we went home feeling more depressed and frustrated than when the evening began, at a loss to why it felt like we were the only ones out plus a handful of the same few familiar faces propping up the same bars. 

“Susan, promise me that when I get in a relationship, tell me if I turn into one of those lesbians that disappear, forget they have friends, never go out and are inseparable from their partner in the cave. I never want to be like that!”

Dinner Party Anyone?

I decided to throw a dinner party for my closest lesbian mates. It sounds simple enough with what should be the biggest stress for me being an inability to multi-task and burning the food in the process.
 

But with two degree’s of separation causing enough dyke drama in the lesbian community to make EastEnders look tame by comparison; serving up burnt food was going to be the least of my concerns. Holding a dinner party for a group of lesbians is not a task to be underestimated in the skill it requires of the host to make sure all goes smoothly and everyone leaves happy at the end of the night. 

Amber to Green, Friendship to Lovers

I’ve heard the same thing four times this week from four different mates. They were all talking about the individuals they had recently met, and they all finished their sentence with the same (popular!) phrase.

 “... I just don’t need another friend!”

It’s a confusing world when both your friendships and lovers are of the same sex. If the signals are not as clear as red for no and green for go when you meet a girl you fancy, you end up on a perpetual amber light unsure whether it’s safe to make a move. Frustrating when the last thing you want and need is ‘another friend’. 

A Reputation Not Always Earned

I recently acquired a new friend...No; I don’t mean a hand held device which powers by batteries! (You’ve such a dirty mind!) She’d recently split from her partner and like most lesbians when they’ve been in a serious relationship, had been in a cave out of contact with others for most of it. Her gaydar would have struggled to follow the pheromones to the ‘gay village’ even in a city such as Brighton where lesbians are two for a penny. So I offered to initiate her with the local dyke bar and introduce her to the girls I knew. 

I pre-warned her though, ‘Just so you know, everyone will assume you’re my new girlfriend, just because we’re arriving together’.  

Over the threshold and as expected when my new friend disappears to the toilet, mates use the opportunity to get the gossip on the new girl in my life. I tell them we’re just friends, I know her through work,

‘Uh huh, they say, yeah right!’

Another time, another friend (this time someone I’ve known for years) who offers to come with me on a BLAGSS walk. I was nursing a broken heart from a recent split, so she offered to make us a nice picnic. There was no champagne or strawberries dipped in chocolate in a super deluxe no expense spared picnic set. Neither of us looked particularly sexy either in our mud covered boots and layers of old clothing. Lets be honest, if anyone wants to ‘woo’ me, I think they’d know that taking me on a date that involves a seven mile hike is not going to be effective – picnic or not! 

Lunchtime arrives and I’m handed sandwiches by my friend watched by four pairs of eyes. No one says anything but the sound of four lesbian brains going into overdrive is louder than the chirping birds in the nearby tree.  I knew it was only a matter of time before their brains hit meltdown and one of them would ask the inevitable (and for me, cringe-worthy) question on all their lips,

'So, are you two, like together now?’

‘No!’ We say in unison.  

Then walking around town this weekend with my ex, we bump into people we know.  We stop and chat and they enquire how we are. I know they’ll ask my best friend later about whether we’re back together. She rings and confirms the next day,

‘I put them straight’ she tells me. 

“I’m getting a reputation here!” I confide in her. “I’ve been paired up with nearly all the single lesbians I know! When I do meet a girl, she’ll hear I’ve slept with half of Brighton!”

“You have*” my friend retorts, “Just not the one’s people think!”

(*I just want to add here in defence at my best friend's retort that not only have I been unlucky in love, but a large number of people in Brighton have been here a mere few years, compared to my 13 visiting the same dyke bar, and therefore do not have the 'public history' that I do - of course writing a public blog about my life doesn't help the rep either!)

Like A Pack of Wolves

A recent ex of mine asked if anyone was after me now that we had split up. I tried to change the subject without effect. “Is it someone I know?” she proceeded to probe.

I refused to enter into conversation on the matter, knowing this was a path that was not going to maintain harmony and amicability between us should I divulge any truth.  My silence and attempts to deflect away from the subject confirmed her suspicions, “Lesbians, they’re like a pack of wolves. I knew the moment we’d split up you’d have offers!”

Personally, I was taking the shows of interest as a compliment, more to do with my winning personality than the animalistic tendencies my ex eludes to in the lesbian population of Brighton. But I understood what she meant.

Maybe it depends on the circle of girls you know but it seems inevitable to me that girls who love and lust girls, that live and socialise in the same city on the same scene are going to end up hooking up and breaking up.  It’s well documented and known that lesbian circles are incestuous. Draw a ‘family’ tree of a group of gay girls like Alice’s L-Word chart and it clearly shows this reputation is not a myth and well earned. 

Shagging your mate – isn’t that how it works in lesbians circles?! If not your mate, then your mates ex or best friend, or your girlfriends ex, or the woman your ex had an affair with?!  I just have to think back over my own past and my girlfriends were friends, or friends of friends or from the same social circle. Even when it’s a girl you don’t know, befriend her on Facebook and it turns out that 20 of your mates already do! 

Occasionally it’s completely unexpected, it’s someone that now your single you’ve got to spend more time with and gotten closer too.  More often though you can guarantee that beneath all the joviality of friendship are smouldering passions just waiting for the opportune moment.  As friends you’ve had a spark for years and at some point alcohol takes the worries away of crossing that boundary from friendship to lovers, even if just for curiosity sake.  

I once started to put an L-Word chart together but just as digging out your family tree can unearth the family secrets so too can compiling one of these. Within a short while I abandoned the ‘tree’ as it became apparent very quickly that, ‘some things should not be written down for others to find’.  It was simply too explosive, a risk I wasn’t happy to take for what was too me a bit of fun interest. 

It is one of the less appealing aspects to being a lesbian and a challenge for any of us to deal with. For just as my ex automatically assumed that any interest I was getting would be from someone she knew, one thing is for sure, it’s no wonder that lesbians always come in pairs for their next love interest is never far away.

The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette

A friend of mind tells me she’s been invited to a party of a lesbian that’s super-rich. The sort that owns a global company, a private plane and no worries about needing an overdraft anytime in the near future. 

“Um, I’m not sure about going... it clashes with other things I’ve already arranged”, she tells me.

I tell her that we have to go; other arrangements will have to wait. “If I’m going to be rich, I have to meet a rich lesbian and they are few and far between! This is an opportunity that neither of us can afford to miss.”

Go to any hospital or school and the building’s full of them – lesbians that is – and poor ones. They love the council too, very stable you see.  Risk and lesbian do not go together, unless you’re talking extreme sports, but when our prime motivation is building a nest, we’re looking for security and stability and that means ‘public sector’.  Yes, if you were to poll us, most will be working long hours in the caring state sector professions for a wage that’s not going to put millions in the bank. So the opportunity to meet a party of potentially ‘rich’ lesbians I was not going to pass up, when they are in the minority.

Lesbians generally are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. Dogs operate as packs and so do us girls. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls. Just like a wolf pack, within these tight knit groups are women that have earned a rank in a linear hierarchy and within which there is intense loyalty. There’s always an ‘alpha’ couple, a ‘beta’ individual who is the second in command (often the best friend), and the lowest rank is the ‘omega’. This individual is often on the fringe of the group, not always invited to the party.  

If you have been booted out of a friendship circle, you date someone of position within another.  If you are an omega girl, you have ‘sexual relations’ with someone of a higher rank to improve your position. If you’re a party animal, you need to be marrying the alpha girl. 

The lesbian world is an intricate society based on formalities, hierarchies and rituals. To be invited to all the social functions and an eligible bachelorette, what you need is a good position. I look forward to seeing how I get on at the ‘rich girls’ party with an empty wallet and an omega position. As they say, the only way is up – hopefully on both counts!

Working for an LGBT Organisation

I work for Allsorts Youth Project, a Brighton based LGBT youth charity. Last week we held a leaving do for one of my colleagues who's moving onto pastures new into employment that's not anything to do with the LGBT community.  As we all wished him luck with his future, it got us thinking - and joking - about working for an LGBT organisation where for the youth worker roles especially, your sexuality was one of the criteria that landed you the job.

5 of the Allsorts Youth Project Staff

I'm what I like to refer to as 'a Professional Gay' where for the best part of your week you are challenging and responding to LGBT issues, more than you do in your personal life.  It's very much a reversal where socially, you may actually spend less time doing anything 'gay' because of this. Maybe that's why I rant more than my friends about the more subtle forms of homophobia in the media, on TV, in songs, when they just shrug their shoulders and tell me I'm being OTT?!

I go into work and the latest copy of Diva and Gay Times has arrived, which is shared around the office. I turn on my PC to immediately view the latest LGBT news, social media feeds, blog articles and Tweets to identify anything of relevance to the team, the young people, our on-line followers and fans. The boss comes in ranting about the latest Government cuts and how the LGBT community will be effected. Whilst I ask if anyone saw Rihanna on the BritAwards last night because she was looking hot, which has everyone cramming around my computer to watch Youtube.

Here you are not the 'only gay in the village'. What's hot and what's not in the entertainment world along with what's being reported in the news and social media sites are discussed - all with a gay slant. Office gossip is about what Elton John is up to and of course there is the day to day work that we are employed to do.

So you're probably thinking how lovely, you don't have to come out, you can be yourself and you don't have to face prejudice. But yes, we still experience these things. At Allsorts we provide LGBT awareness training in schools, colleges and the workplace, which can be challenging as you are faced with LGBT phobic attitudes and confrontation, potentially in front of 100's of people. This, along with working directly with LGBT youth can often mean revisiting your own difficulties from the past.  Whilst there's no 'coming out' to colleagues within the office, you are coming out when people ask you 'so what do you do?' On your CV you're effectively outing yourself before you've even got an interview when applying for a new job.

An LGBT organisation might provide you with the opportunity to make new friends and may be even that special someone. You certainly get to know more of the people involved in the community, both locally and nationally. It feels good to be involved in the future of generations of LGBT youth challenging the stigma, bullying and prejudice that is still present in society. I'm happy being a 'professional gay' championing LGBT rights and providing a voice for those unable to speak for themselves.