Love will set you free - or will it?!

German Girlfriend was away again for this years Valentine's Day – last year she headed off to snow topped slopes and this year she's headed off for sun, sea and sand. Having started a new job in London, I wasn't in a position to go with her.

Love was definitely in the air at work– there were a number of deliveries of red roses in the office, one of my colleagues left early to have fun with her beau whilst others described the things they had planned for their romantic evening and bolted for the exit when the clock struck five.

I attempted to block it all out as just another day. Cynical GGF did attempt to send me an e-card, knowing I would want something being more of a romantic than herself but it didn't work, with neither technology nor romance her forte.

Despite my efforts Valentine's was hard with the girlfriend away but then she's not into it anyway; her absence about how little she rates it. It summed up to me though, how emotional love can be for the wrong reasons.

My former boss once commented to me “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”.

Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable.

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given.

I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from other causes. My heart felt broken when GGF went away – I had to keep reminding myself she was coming back and I wasn't dumped!

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence.

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

Today at work a colleague asked if I'd swap my brain for a robot one if I could – giving me super intelligence.

“Like the Borg in Star Trek?” I asked. “Or Data?”

I pondered his question seriously, as the idea had some appeal.

“But then I'd have no emotions.” I say realising how much these actually, good or bad, make us who we are. “I'm not sure I want to be emotionless. The Borg were mean – I wouldn't want to be like that and even Data developed an emotion chip he believed it so necessary!”

The two things gay girls will always tell you

There's two common statements that get uttered from just about all single gay girls mouths. Both really annoy me because both are pointless statements. I'll explain why.

The first classic they say is 'they don't do one night stands'.

Whenever one of my friends comes out of a relationship they immediately start wanting to meet someone for their next one. They're horny, they're lonely, they're hurting. I tell them they shouldn't rush in, they should just have some fun, sort out their sexual needs and give themselves some space to heal, enjoy their freedom from a relationship for a while before embarking immediately in another.

Of course this falls on deaf ears.

"I've never had a one night stand" they immediately tell you. "I can't do it. It's just not for me. I just don't do one night stands" they insist, often going on to explain why they would find this difficult.

Before you know it they've hooked up with someone on the pretence of it being a relationship - as I said in 'Relationship on the first date' lesbians don't date - if you have sex you're in a relationship, maybe that's why gay girls pursue sex after friendship?

There should be a new Dictionary definition added,
'Relationship-night stand' - An intense multiple sex-linked erotic experience by (commonly two) lesbians lasting for a brief period of time in which they feel ecstatic and in love.  

The second statement lesbians make is to repeatedly tell you they are not ready for a relationship. But unable to 'do' one night stands, horny, lonely and hurting, dating not part of lesbian courtship; they embark on a 'relationship' with you, suitcases heavier than the 20kg weight allowance. Under the strain or because they catch the eye of another, this becomes a 'relationship-night stand'.

Whenever I hear either of these two statements, I know they mean neither because what they actually mean is they want both at the same time.

How to get a girlfriend when you're a single lesbian

My gay mate comes over for a cuppa (definitely a sign I’m getting older!) and a catch up.
“I just can’t get enough sex at the moment” he tells me.  “I’m on Grindr every night meeting guys and arranging sex. I think I must be making up for all that lost opportunity in my 30s!”

I’m no psychologist, but we’ve known each other for many years. He seems in a contented space, happy with all the ‘fucking’ now going on. He’s 42 by the way and it seems no longer happily single,

“I think I’m ready for a relationship” he explains. We’ve had this conversation before, about how gays and lesbians do things differently when it comes to finding a long term partner. He explains again anyway, just to clarify and presumably justify his burst of sexual activity to me, though neither is necessary.

“I’m ready for a boyfriend and to find a boyfriend I have to fuck lots of boys. That’s how guys work, you fuck first then you discover if you’ve got a connection. If you don’t fuck first, you’ll only ever have a friendship!”

It is true that us girls seem to pursue in a different manner summed up a couple of days later, this time with a lesbian mate (and this time over a pint!)

“So have you heard from …” I enquire wanting to get the updates. Our conversation goes along like the following:

“Oh yes… she’s now seeing her best mate, you remember…and so and so is seeing… that was always on the cards, as they met at that dinner party and got on… and She’s seeing… they met at the women’s choir… and They got together; they’ve been friends for years and then when she broke up with her girlfriend…………………..”

“How did you meet your girlfriend” I ask.
“We were introduced at an event by a mutual friend” my mate replies. “How did you meet your girlfriend” she asks returning the question.
“We were introduced by a mutual friend out one night at a bar” I reply.

It seems that us girls like to the do the fucking part 'after' we've 'friended' our way to a girlfriend. So if you're seeking love, I suggest joining lots of groups and making lots of friends!

The lesbian relationship cycle explained

I pull off my shelf the well-known book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by psychotherapist Dr M. Scott Peck. Gathering dust for many years its’ been waiting for the day to finally be opened.

I read my way through the first chapter and am presented with the second: ‘LOVE’. As I turn the pages I increasingly become absorbed, but not with how the information relates to me, but by how I could relate it too so many lesbian relationships!

Dr Scott Peck starts the chapter by stating that ‘of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception…the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience...we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.

‘The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterises the experiences of falling in love always passes'.

Of course we’re all familiar with the ‘honeymoon’ stage at the beginning, but it’s when Peck goes on to explain the relationship cycle in more detail, that I think of how fast lesbian relationships seem to go from meeting someone, to moving in together, (to getting civil-partnered in many cases) and then as fast as it seemed to start, it’s all over. Thankfully we have Facebook, a blessing in disguise for lesbians to keep us up-to-date and informed of who’s with whom.

'The experience of falling in love…permits one to merge her identity with that of another person…the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved…experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness. All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light.

Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. You want to have sex; she doesn’t. You want to go to the movies; she doesn’t. You want to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the realisation that they are not ‘one’ with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have their own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from the other’s…they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of the relationship or initiate the work of real loving’.

I’ve continually questioned the speed, intensity, ditching of friends and loss of individual identity with lesbian relationships, subjects I covered previously in ‘Relationships on the first date’, ‘Lesbians + internet dating = Removal vans’ and 'Losing Friendships when THEY gain lovers’.

Now it all makes perfect sense. 

How to judge if your new girlfriend will treat you right

I was having a sort out of photos today on the computer. There's all the usual one's of me out and about with friends, a few family ones, lots of me with exes, a few of me posing and a collection I took of my Peace Lily plant about two years ago.

I took the images at the time because I felt like a proud mum, my Peace Lily now big and strong and flowering for the first time as it came of age and I had nurtured it along from when it was just a small delicate cutting.

Looking at these photos I remembered how my friends would joke that I was growing my own rainforest in the small studio flat I called home. Having just counted all the plants I have 12 plus 4 tomato plants on the balcony!

This got me thinking about relationships.

My passion for all that is flora has grown as I've got older along with my need to nurture and I've increasingly observed those in my life and if they have anything 'living' in their homes that they tend too.

I think how someone looks after a plant (or any living creature) in their home, is a strong sign of how they will treat you in a relationship. If they have no plants (or pets) at all, I would consider this great cause for concern. To me an incapability to care for a single plant must mean they are quite self-absorbed and selfish.

The Ex was terrible at keeping anything alive. Plant after plant died on her often from sheer thirst. Even the hardiest struggled looking lacklustre and weak, only to be defeated by the continued weeks of neglect. She always meant well, bought them with good intention but always had other priorities. Which sums up well our relationship.

I was somewhat relieved to see what looked like a healthy single plant growing in German Girlfriend's room when I first went to her home. I have at times since felt it necessary to take it off the table to give it a good soak, each time GGF trying to assure me as I do so, that she does water it... when she remembers too. GGF will openly admit she's not a planner, her actions impromtu, leaving both her plant and me treated in an adhoc manner.

And yes, my over zealousness with my plants could be implied to mean that I'm meticulous and a complete fusspot - which for some would be completely annoying traits.

So the next time you meet a girl and you go to her place for the first time, don't concern yourself with her music collection or book shelf, but take a good look at her plants and how they seem treated. Ask yourself if what you see is acceptable for you.

Lesbians + Internet dating = Removal vans

I've noticed a not all together recent phenomenon but definitely something that increasingly seems to be occurring with more frequency amongst my lesbian mates and within social circles.

This story starts with your friend's current relationship ending.

Then they feel lonely and like they're the only one not coupled up...

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton

So they turn to the internet to seek rainbow love on-line...

Photo by yêllow.bïrd

But as I pointed out previously in The appeal of the internet when lesbian dating, the appeal is that on-line you can meet a whole load of lesbians from across the UK that haven't set foot in a lesbian bar since their inaugural coming out declaration.

And so... fast forward... a couple of weeks - this is lesbians we're talking about!

They find someone they connect with, but instant messaging isn't enough for all the estrogen, dopamine and norepinephrine being produced by this exchange. Internet dating progresses to 3 hour daily phone calls and mutual stalker-like texting throughout the day and night, quickly followed by weekly trips (sometimes hundreds of miles) to see each other, with depths-of-despair that verge on mourning when the weekend's over and Monday arrives.

You as the friend are discarded, the internet your curse, as weekend's are now for one purpose only... Of course there's only one ending to this story as I am experiencing only too well and as all fairytale stories of love must end...

How does the lesbian joke go... you know, the one about the second date? 

You're Not My Kind Of Girl

The first thing I want to find out about you when it comes to love, even when I browse dating sites is your star sign because there are star signs I like to avoid.  Not because of what the astrologers say about how well we might or might not match but because I think there are associated character traits which I've come to learn through previous painful experience that do not mix well with my own.

"That's stupid!" You may well question, but then we all do this in different forms: 'She's blond, I like brunettes', 'She's butch, I like femmes', She's too tall and she's too broad', 'She's too this, and not enough that' - the list we have in search for 'the one' are often endless.

My favourite source of advice when searching for the right girl

It was rather refreshing when my friends picked The New Girlfriend on my behalf. The astrologers clearly state it's a match made in hell and in my own opinion she wasn't 'my type' at all, and I not hers. If I'd had the spec's sheet of 'my type' to hand, I doubt any boxes would've been ticked. Which could explain how we both have managed to live in Brighton for 12 years, our lives criss-crossing and not notice each other at all. It's not just about looks either, our lives are like polar opposites too which if left to our initial judgement of each other, meant we couldn't possibly be compatible.

"She's perfect for you", my friends assured me. "Trust us, we know better than you".

So far so good and friends were right in seeing what we couldn't with what would work well for us.

Repeatedly I see and hear my single friends closing themselves off to opportunities of meeting someone, sometimes with just a glance because of who they perceive is right or wrong for them.  I feel lucky that my friends stepped in ("because you're rubbish at picking your own girlfriend's" they said) and showed me that we are not always the best judge of ourselves or of others and what's best for us.

So next time you're out looking, I suggest putting your check-list and pre-conceptions away, open yourself up to new possibilities with those you may not normally consider. Ask your most trusted friends to help you find a girlfriend and before you rush to state 'she's not my type', just think what the hell, she just may well be.