A very typical lesbian love affair

The girlfriend might be away this weekend, but the title of this post is not me alluding to having any hanky panky in her absence! However this is about others who are.

In the last year I've seen some of my closest friends have their long term relationships come to an end through affairs – not untypical you might be thinking – except that, the partners were not actually (they claimed) having sex with the women they were having an affair with.

I've experienced it, the girlfriend has experienced it, and friends are being hurt because of it. It seems this is a very typical lesbian love affair; whereby women get together emotionally without the physical contact. There's sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy and emotional attachment resulting in secrecy, lying and loss of transparency with their partner.

They might hang out together or it might be an 'online' affair, confiding inner most thoughts and feelings with each other, they might express emotions for each other verbally or through 'signals' – but they don't kiss, they don't have sex. In their minds denying themselves this forbidden fruit means they are not and cannot be accused of, having an affair.

For those on the painful end of lesbian 'emotional affairs', the biggest element of this betrayal is the denial when the partner having the affair is challenged either prior or post break-up.

• They claim they did all they could to protect you from getting hurt during your break-up (by not getting physical with the woman who is now their new girlfriend).
  
  
• Outright deny they are having an affair so they don't have to face the consequences (yet!)
  
  
• Claim they only got with the person once you were separated so they can avoid the wrath of others. Let's face it, lesbian circles are small; to be isolated out from it, is a big deal!
  
  
• Deny it to themselves so they can feel less guilty about what they've actually done/doing. 'Affairs are what the straight world do' and are not in the realm of lesbianism!
  
  
• By not getting physical it looks to their peers like they got together after splitting up with respective partners so this new relationship is accepted by those peers; and as girlz barely pause for breath between relationships no-one questions the speed at which they 'moved on'.

• As I was reminded and wrote about in where and what is the lesbian moral code with exes, in the lesbian world, the moral boundary is not crossed if, “theoretically they’ve done nothing wrong”.

The sense of betrayal in an emotional affair is just as great as if it was a physical one. In many ways it is worse because for the partner they can often see and feel it happening, especially if it is with someone within their lesbian friendship circle or from the only lesbian pub in town. Denial makes them even more powerless. If you are engaging in an emotional affair, do the decent thing, and at least be honest about it! 

Lesbians eagerly airing their dirty laundry in public

I had anticipated that New Years Eve was going to be uneventful. I'd invited a friend I've known since my university days to Brighton to come and celebrate with me. Together with the girlfriend we headed to join others at the popular local gay pub.

I should have known that lesbians in a room together consuming alcohol is always going to lead to trouble in someone's quarter. I immediately sensed a problem brewing in mine when, a couple of hours into drinking, my shy and timid visiting friend returned from the bar,

"I've been chatting to a couple of girls at the bar. It's a really weird situation they've got going on. They've recently broken up but are out together."

"Don't get involved" I tell my mate, but know she's already too involved into the unfolding and unresolved issues of someone's else's relationship, may be to escape her own.

I notice one of the girls from the couple is hovering nearby and I feel annoyed by it.

Annoyed because this is what lesbians do. Instead of dealing with or accepting the crumbling state of  their relationship, they bring their dirty laundry to (in this case) the pub, involve and use others (stupid enough to get involved) to create jealously and push buttons in their partner.

All becomes distracted by Chiming Big Ben on the overhead speakers counting down those last 10 seconds of 2013.

We toast in the new year and attempt to sing Old Lang Syne but like most of the British populace I suspect, end up humming for the majority.

My friend disappears again.

A short time later she hurtles back at break-neck speed with a girl chasing her who slaps/pushes my friend's back in aggression and storms out the back door. My friend hides behind us.

"Oh my God, I've just kissed one of the girls from the couple at the bar and the girlfriend didn't like it! It was stupid of me but I just felt sorry for her" she tells me like a naughty school child.

"This is soooo typically lesbian!" I reply in my best teacher tone.

We rally the girls we're out with in case of further aggressive outbursts - this is when butch lesbians come into their own! I can see the girlfriend from the couple pacing outside.

Whilst my friend continues to hide behind us, all seems to calm down and the couple disappear in the throng of New Year celebrants. We decide it's the perfect opportunity to slip out and head home.

Male fragrances for women. What's your perfect scent?

I decided to put perfume in GGF's stocking for Christmas this year. Sounds simple enough except that GGF like many a lesbian prefers the wood and musk smells of the men's counter over the delicate floral aromas found on the women's isle.

Whilst GGF was out the house I took a rummage at her existing collection to get some idea of what she already likes.

She had an empty bottle of 'Kenzo Homme' which is my personal favourite that she wears. When GGF first bought this I described it like talcum power - which she was completely unimpressed by (and I suspect put her off it) – but to me it's got a very homely smell and love it on her, but buying it as a gift for Christmas would feel completely selfish! This has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar.

Another favourite of mine in her collection is 'Hugo Man' by Hugo Boss. This also has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar Wood like my other favourite. Ummm, a bit of a theme here.

GGF had other various Hugo Boss male scents (Pure & Boss in Motion), Clinique Happy for men, Truth by Calvin Klein and a couple of bottles of Lacoste (Cool Play & Pour Homme); GGF had never mentioned what her favourite was and despite them all running low, I decided to get her something new to try.

Approximately 33% of the female population wear men's fragrances as their preference, yet when I asked for advice on popular male fragrances for girlz in the perfume shops of Brighton (who I thought would be quite familiar with this request as I cannot possibly have been the first lesbian to visit the store asking!) I disappointingly got blank stares in return, whilst the lone male member of staff from one shop was practically quivering and kept running off to get samples from the female counter.

Ditching the (un)helpful sales staff I decided to go it alone. Luckily I had already done some research online thanks to these fab articles:

10 men's fragrances that women love - for themselves
Cologne & Perfume Guide for Queers
Xmas Gift Guide: Fragrances  - Diva magazine
Men's fragrance sales soar

Armed with this information as a long list of possibilities I headed where I could peruse the isles and just make up my own mind. After spraying numerous varieties of male cologne over myself (thankfully GGF was out for the evening otherwise this was going to be no secret!) I kept coming back to the fresh and citrus based Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme.  

... and she likes it. Phew! 

I was born this way, oh there ain't no other way...

It's been a long time since I heard someone say that lesbians and gays choose to be so, and I don't mean some Nigerian leader on a documentary by Stephen Fry, but face to face in the pub. What surprised me more was that the individual making this bold statement describes their own sexuality as lesbian and is as butch as they come. 

Somewhat speechless I jumped into defence mode of the world's LGB population, struggling to splutter out my response I was so aghast.

"How can you say that?! People spend years struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, even self harming or committing suicide because of who they are." 

I pointed out that has she not told me in the past how her family guessed she was lesbian long before she did, demonstrating it's nature that makes people gay or lesbian. 

"Why are you not going out with men and leading a straight lifestyle if it's a choice?! I ask. 

"Because I like being with women, I prefer being with women" was her matter of fact reply. 

I try to get to the bottom of what I still view as a dangerous and outrageous statement to be making so flippantly. 

I finally conclude that the point my friend is trying to make (so very badly) is that all humans are innately bisexual to a varying degree. If we lived in a Star Trek world where all preferences regardless of race, gender and species are acceptable we'd all be 'mixing it up' more. 

I disagree. I would definitely be trying to pull B'Elanna Torres, the Klingon engineer but ultimately she's still female. I do agree more of us are bisexual than what the gay or straight community would like acknowledge though. 

I don't believe we are all innately bisexual if it's about loving another person. Yes if it's just sex (and I've covered before about acknowledging and de-stigmatising lesbians who have sex with men), but there's plenty of evidence that those who try to be what they are not end up very unhappy. 

My friend ended up expressing not such a unique and shocking viewpoint albeit expressed poorly and she is right that there is stigma from both gays and straights towards bisexuality; may be as she believes, preventing more of us from both sides of the fence moving closer to the middle, however to use the words "choice" and "gay or lesbian" in the same sentence is dangerous territory.  

Growing old is feeling good

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going to be 37. Reflecting back through the decades, 37 is feeling a good year to celebrate and happily blow out the mass of candles struggling for room on the cake. I'm still feeling a comfortable distance from 40 but four decades after I arrived in the world, life has definitely become more settled and dare I say it, for fear that the Gods that like to play chess and gamble might hear - 'contented'.

Each previous decade has been marked by change and upheaval. I remember aged seven I was settling (reluctantly) into a new school in a new area following a house move by my parents. A decade later I  had recently come out to my best mate Annie and was looking forward to going to University and meeting "others like me". Aged 27 I had made the decision to leave my teaching career and plan what became a two year travel/work experience across Asia and Australasia.

In true fashion, I will be moving again shortly, not to London (where I work) as friends keep expecting me to do, but a mere mile away in the same city (Hove 'actually'!) to live with GGF in what hopefully will be the beginning of a new phase for the decades to come.

Compared to our fellow straight compatriots us lesbians generally settle down later in life. With few responsibilities lesbians can be found, way beyond any mid-life crisis and the onset of menopause quite happy to still be partying like they're 18. It may well be the case that you're as young as you feel, but even if my mind was willing, my body is definitely no longer as much.

I'll admit I'm still on the scene weekly, more than I would be otherwise if not for GGF and her mates who seem to still enjoy it, though I notice more and more of us seem to disappear like Cinderella before midnight arrives!

On occasion I will jealously look at my younger 20-something colleagues who bounce around the office full of energy every day, all day, even seemingly on hangovers, but I'm happy to accept that I no longer enjoy the things I once did: clubbing on a Saturday night, loud pubs, city centre living... spending money on beer.

Growing old is feeling good and I'm enjoying the change of pace that's occurring. I'm optimistic things will just get even better.

I think my girlfriend might be from Planet Vulcan

When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek I reckon he based the Vulcans on the German populace if my girlfriend's anything to go by. GGF takes a very logical and practical approach to all matters in life to the point where whenever I watch an episode of Enterprise, I can't help thinking how alike she is too Commander T'Pol, the Vulcan science officer!

T'Pol

So when we got onto the subject of gay marriage at the weekend triggered by something on Facebook, I was not at all surprised with how the conversation went:

"I'm not interested in getting married" GGF informs me.

"I've always liked the idea of getting married" I tell her, "or having a pagan handfasting ceremony - a public display to those who know us of our commitment and love to one another".

GGF's Vulcan side emerges.
"Only if it makes financial sense like if your money is tied together and because it gives your partner power of attorney. Then marriage makes practical sense and would be the only reason I would marry"

"What about commitment and romanticism?" I ask, somewhat disappointed that my dreams of a romantic nuptial will never materialise.

"What, running around stressed your family are going to have a big fall out and making sure everything's going to go OK? Being in a relationship IS commitment, isn't that enough?!"

Whilst GGF is uninterested in any form of commitment ceremony and therefore takes little interest in whether civil partnerships or same-sex marriage is allowed, I'm firmly in support of the same-sex marriage bill being implemented giving us equal rights reflected in an equal law and allowing those who believe in a God, the right to have their love acknowledged in a church ceremony.

I would never marry for just practical reasons but because my heart wants it so. Thankfully just as T'Pol is praised for her tolerance of emotional and irrational humans to be the longest serving Vulcan officer on a human ship, so too does GGF tolerate my rather more soppy side.  Maybe in time I can bring out her soppy side too!

Vulcans by the way have only arranged marriages often decided during their childhood.

May be not me, but I'm a firm
supporter of the right to marry.

Is it a lesbian party or dog school?!

The sun's shining, there are signs of spring and lesbians are coming out from hibernation. If you want a party or BBQ you can guarantee at this time of year, there's a lesbian get together somewhere near you. 

However if you've been invited along you'll discover that there's lots of new additions to the party. No, I'm not talking a baby boom in the lesbian populace (just yet!) but I am talking dogs. There's been an explosion of puppy parenting in Brighton and whilst this is good news for the animal shelters (shame on you otherwise!), depending on your viewpoint this could be good or bad news for any BBQ you've got planned as you'll need to keep hold of your pint and your sausage. 

Not content with one dog, it's common to find lesbian households with two or three. Times that by multiple lesbian households at your party and even the most popular of girls will find our four legged friends are outnumbering our human ones! I've noticed that one friend has even put a restriction of "one dog per person" for her upcoming get together to control their number before it gets out of hand. 

It seems that lesbians are ditching cats in favour of being dog lovers, and just like human nurseries, you can find lots of obsessive parenting with shared doggy tales around the camp fire, as well as helpful and empathetic tips and advice when your Bruno the Bull Terrier goes ballistic because Sandy the Staff has stolen his ball.  

If you're allergic to dog hair or not a dog lover, or actually just want to chat about something other than dogs, you've been warned, this may be a summer you prefer to sit out. 

The dogs will be looking to have just as much fun as you!
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