Not the mother, not the father.

GGF had not been in the best of moods all morning. A few months into my pregnancy and it was all now very real. The shock that "it" (IUI) had worked so quickly had passed, to be replaced by new emotions. For me, it was a sense of vulnerability, that this new life inside me meant that no matter what, I now would have this little person reliant and dependent on me, and for GGF what was going on with her emotions came out later that day!

Ignoring GGF's brooding mood, I insisted on a trip to Waterstones in town to pick up a baby journal, thinking it was something nice we could fill in together in preparation for our child's arrival. With hindsight it was a very bad idea to do that day and became a rather fruitless and painful excursion.

Inside we headed to the baby section and the overloaded shelf where pretty baby journal's were crammed on. Of course we wanted one that didn't reference "father" or "dad". I had wrongly assumed that the world had modernised but as we pulled off journal after journal, it became clear that same-sex or any sort of alternative family to 'one mum and one dad' was clearly non-existent to these retail providers. And it wasn't just same-sex families blatantly being ignored, but remarried families with step-siblings and step-parents, adopted and fostered families or where extended family members or grandparents were the main carers. I still feel surprised, but am more surprised at my surprise; did I really think the reality of modern life would be represented on this shelf?!

We settle on a journal that makes a single reference to 'dad' that can be easily stickered over, but GGF then quickly sidetracks herself with a different shelf about the neutral topic of food and baby weaning. I start looking at the advice books. Again they all use the word "father" or "dad" in the title, but I find one that seems full of fab advice for the paternal parent (my terminology here that seems to not be used at all in the baby section). I show GGF.

"I'm not the dad, I'm the mum" she grumpily and abruptly informs me, dissing the book I show her and any others I might be inclined to do the same with. "I know" I say, "but the advice is really good inside and it's only a title; the advice is still relevant", I try to rationalise to her. But she's not interested and I'm failing at alleviating the situation.

In fact I feel unable to help as I realise that what GGF is trying to resolve emotionally in herself and what she's worried about is whether she will connect with and love our unborn child when she's not genetically related. Will our child connect with her, and see her as their mum too, knowing that out there, is the other half of their genetics and what's GGF's role versus the donor's role in this relationship? What about society and how that will see her in our family - will she even be acknowledged? I see her battling with these emotions and thoughts, whilst I just feel frustrated at society that it continues to reinforce one family stereotype. It really does feel like there is very little support and advice for the expectant same-sex paternal parent*.

GGF was absolutely right, she was not going to be a "Dad" because she was not going to be emulating being a female version of one. She was going to be a parent in her own right; she just needed to figure out what that was for herself, without society trying to force the "dad' label on her just because it still refuses and cannot acknowledge and comprehend anything else.

*If you know of any good websites, blogs, bloggers, books or organisations sharing experiences for the expectant same-sex paternal parent do mention them in the comments.

** Following this eventful day I am pleased to say that I have since heard about My Amazing Family and Me written and designed by Jesse Toksvig-Stewart (the daughter of broadcaster Sandi Toksvig). Available at: http://www.uglyduckbooks.co.uk

Telling people you're pregnant when you're gay

Whilst a very few of my very long standing friends knew I wanted children at some point, it was never something I actively spoke of. I never coo-d over other people's, rarely came into contact with anyone who had children and my career has always been at the forefront of my priorities. So it was something easy to be silent about. Plus it's still not something overly spoken or assumed about in the gay community.

GGF always knew (I think!) that I might want children one day, but was unbothered either way so left it to me to decide if and when it was to happen. Then one day, following my 38th birthday after contemplating that it was either now or never and the "is this the right time" question was no longer up for debate, I knew I had to make a decision.

I did so by simply saying to GGF "it's time" and she responded with a simple "OK".

Fast forward six months and the window on the pee stick shows a clear and distinct blue cross. The 12 week milestone feels an agonising wait but when it's successfully reached I feel reluctant to tell others our good news and feel relieved it's not yet noticeable. When you're gay and stop drinking, no-one even assumes it's because you're pregnant, so it's not even mentioned unless you do.

It feels like having to come out all over again, not only to family, but this time to gay friends. I wonder at how they will take this unexpected news? Will it be met with disapproval; by my family because of the unknown half of DNA, by friends for doing something sooo "heterosexual" and by work colleagues, some of whom might have strong views (especially if they'd been listening to Pope Francis reinforcing the Catholic view that only heterosexual parents enables healthy parenting during my 13th week!)

It's a nervous time telling family, wondering if they will accept this grandchild/nephew/niece like they accept their others; I need not have worried, my Mum more surprised than anything.
"I always thought you were a career girl" she says.
"I still am Mum, can't a woman have both? I plan too!"
"Well, as long as it's really what you want"
"Bit late to change my mind!"
(Mum now super excited, once the surprise element had passed!)

Then we cheated, and whilst we had begun to tell some of our friends one by one as we saw them which I found excruciatingly painful, ("how boring" was one response!), we posted a status update on Facebook following our first scan. Phew! Social media making it far easier, although some friends and family still didn't realise it was us having the baby!

We got lots of babysitting offers.

But like all couples, the next element will be who of our friends still wants to hang out with us, once our new family member joins us and life out on the gay scene as we were, is no more. 

Being pro-active in fundraising for our LGBT organisations

Camping this bank holiday weekend might have been slightly optimistic as five of us huddled close around the open camp fire trying to stay warm once the sun went down, leaving frosty sub zero temperatures.

Conversation turns to what we've been up to, plans ahead; next Sunday is the Stonewall Equality Walk which takes place annually during May bank holiday in Brighton. We discuss who's planning on taking part.

“The thing is, I just don't like ramming it down people's throats; raising money for gay things” says one of the women, there are nods of agreement from the others.

As someone who has been active in the Brighton LGBT community, both working and volunteering for its' many charities and groups as well as my current employment being with a fundraising organisation, I find this viewpoint disappointing, but not unfamiliar. Just ask any of your friends who they are running, abseiling, swimming for, or some other fundraising challenge and you’re unlikely to hear it’s for an LGBT organisation, with the view expressed around the campfire shared by many of the LGBT community.

Yet this leaves our LGBT organisations vulnerable. MindOut, Switchboard and Sussex Beacon nearly closed in 2012, and Pride changed from being a charity to a business in the same year in order to remain operational. The small charity sector which includes nearly all of Brighton's LGBT organisations, is still heavily reliant on statutory and grant funders; but this has increasingly become a smaller pot of money available and the competition for it, ever higher.

For sustainability, small charities need to diversify their income through fundraising, but this seems to be an even bigger challenge for LGBT charities. It’s a sad fact that as LGBT individuals the majority of us do not seem to be as loyal to LGBT services, don’t seem to care in fact if they exist at all and general apathy prevails. May be, because we fail to see the value of these services if we are not using them ourselves and do not know those who are or how we, are benefiting from them?

LGBT organisations need to get better at engaging with their LGBT communities, so they see the value of their services and understand who and how they are helping, but LGBT individuals also need to recognise that we should all be more pro-active in raising awareness of 'gay things' and being a voice for LGBT rights and equality, the organisations enabling this and the fundraising money that is needed by them.

A very typical lesbian love affair

The girlfriend might be away this weekend, but the title of this post is not me alluding to having any hanky panky in her absence! However this is about others who are.

In the last year I've seen some of my closest friends have their long term relationships come to an end through affairs – not untypical you might be thinking – except that, the partners were not actually (they claimed) having sex with the women they were having an affair with.

I've experienced it, the girlfriend has experienced it, and friends are being hurt because of it. It seems this is a very typical lesbian love affair; whereby women get together emotionally without the physical contact. There's sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy and emotional attachment resulting in secrecy, lying and loss of transparency with their partner.

They might hang out together or it might be an 'online' affair, confiding inner most thoughts and feelings with each other, they might express emotions for each other verbally or through 'signals' – but they don't kiss, they don't have sex. In their minds denying themselves this forbidden fruit means they are not and cannot be accused of, having an affair.

For those on the painful end of lesbian 'emotional affairs', the biggest element of this betrayal is the denial when the partner having the affair is challenged either prior or post break-up.

• They claim they did all they could to protect you from getting hurt during your break-up (by not getting physical with the woman who is now their new girlfriend).
  
  
• Outright deny they are having an affair so they don't have to face the consequences (yet!)
  
  
• Claim they only got with the person once you were separated so they can avoid the wrath of others. Let's face it, lesbian circles are small; to be isolated out from it, is a big deal!
  
  
• Deny it to themselves so they can feel less guilty about what they've actually done/doing. 'Affairs are what the straight world do' and are not in the realm of lesbianism!
  
  
• By not getting physical it looks to their peers like they got together after splitting up with respective partners so this new relationship is accepted by those peers; and as girlz barely pause for breath between relationships no-one questions the speed at which they 'moved on'.

• As I was reminded and wrote about in where and what is the lesbian moral code with exes, in the lesbian world, the moral boundary is not crossed if, “theoretically they’ve done nothing wrong”.

The sense of betrayal in an emotional affair is just as great as if it was a physical one. In many ways it is worse because for the partner they can often see and feel it happening, especially if it is with someone within their lesbian friendship circle or from the only lesbian pub in town. Denial makes them even more powerless. If you are engaging in an emotional affair, do the decent thing, and at least be honest about it! 

Lesbians eagerly airing their dirty laundry in public

I had anticipated that New Years Eve was going to be uneventful. I'd invited a friend I've known since my university days to Brighton to come and celebrate with me. Together with the girlfriend we headed to join others at the popular local gay pub.

I should have known that lesbians in a room together consuming alcohol is always going to lead to trouble in someone's quarter. I immediately sensed a problem brewing in mine when, a couple of hours into drinking, my shy and timid visiting friend returned from the bar,

"I've been chatting to a couple of girls at the bar. It's a really weird situation they've got going on. They've recently broken up but are out together."

"Don't get involved" I tell my mate, but know she's already too involved into the unfolding and unresolved issues of someone's else's relationship, may be to escape her own.

I notice one of the girls from the couple is hovering nearby and I feel annoyed by it.

Annoyed because this is what lesbians do. Instead of dealing with or accepting the crumbling state of  their relationship, they bring their dirty laundry to (in this case) the pub, involve and use others (stupid enough to get involved) to create jealously and push buttons in their partner.

All becomes distracted by Chiming Big Ben on the overhead speakers counting down those last 10 seconds of 2013.

We toast in the new year and attempt to sing Old Lang Syne but like most of the British populace I suspect, end up humming for the majority.

My friend disappears again.

A short time later she hurtles back at break-neck speed with a girl chasing her who slaps/pushes my friend's back in aggression and storms out the back door. My friend hides behind us.

"Oh my God, I've just kissed one of the girls from the couple at the bar and the girlfriend didn't like it! It was stupid of me but I just felt sorry for her" she tells me like a naughty school child.

"This is soooo typically lesbian!" I reply in my best teacher tone.

We rally the girls we're out with in case of further aggressive outbursts - this is when butch lesbians come into their own! I can see the girlfriend from the couple pacing outside.

Whilst my friend continues to hide behind us, all seems to calm down and the couple disappear in the throng of New Year celebrants. We decide it's the perfect opportunity to slip out and head home.

Male fragrances for women. What's your perfect scent?

I decided to put perfume in GGF's stocking for Christmas this year. Sounds simple enough except that GGF like many a lesbian prefers the wood and musk smells of the men's counter over the delicate floral aromas found on the women's isle.

Whilst GGF was out the house I took a rummage at her existing collection to get some idea of what she already likes.

She had an empty bottle of 'Kenzo Homme' which is my personal favourite that she wears. When GGF first bought this I described it like talcum power - which she was completely unimpressed by (and I suspect put her off it) – but to me it's got a very homely smell and love it on her, but buying it as a gift for Christmas would feel completely selfish! This has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar.

Another favourite of mine in her collection is 'Hugo Man' by Hugo Boss. This also has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar Wood like my other favourite. Ummm, a bit of a theme here.

GGF had other various Hugo Boss male scents (Pure & Boss in Motion), Clinique Happy for men, Truth by Calvin Klein and a couple of bottles of Lacoste (Cool Play & Pour Homme); GGF had never mentioned what her favourite was and despite them all running low, I decided to get her something new to try.

Approximately 33% of the female population wear men's fragrances as their preference, yet when I asked for advice on popular male fragrances for girlz in the perfume shops of Brighton (who I thought would be quite familiar with this request as I cannot possibly have been the first lesbian to visit the store asking!) I disappointingly got blank stares in return, whilst the lone male member of staff from one shop was practically quivering and kept running off to get samples from the female counter.

Ditching the (un)helpful sales staff I decided to go it alone. Luckily I had already done some research online thanks to these fab articles:

10 men's fragrances that women love - for themselves
Cologne & Perfume Guide for Queers
Xmas Gift Guide: Fragrances  - Diva magazine
Men's fragrance sales soar

Armed with this information as a long list of possibilities I headed where I could peruse the isles and just make up my own mind. After spraying numerous varieties of male cologne over myself (thankfully GGF was out for the evening otherwise this was going to be no secret!) I kept coming back to the fresh and citrus based Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme.  

... and she likes it. Phew! 

I was born this way, oh there ain't no other way...

It's been a long time since I heard someone say that lesbians and gays choose to be so, and I don't mean some Nigerian leader on a documentary by Stephen Fry, but face to face in the pub. What surprised me more was that the individual making this bold statement describes their own sexuality as lesbian and is as butch as they come. 

Somewhat speechless I jumped into defence mode of the world's LGB population, struggling to splutter out my response I was so aghast.

"How can you say that?! People spend years struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, even self harming or committing suicide because of who they are." 

I pointed out that has she not told me in the past how her family guessed she was lesbian long before she did, demonstrating it's nature that makes people gay or lesbian. 

"Why are you not going out with men and leading a straight lifestyle if it's a choice?! I ask. 

"Because I like being with women, I prefer being with women" was her matter of fact reply. 

I try to get to the bottom of what I still view as a dangerous and outrageous statement to be making so flippantly. 

I finally conclude that the point my friend is trying to make (so very badly) is that all humans are innately bisexual to a varying degree. If we lived in a Star Trek world where all preferences regardless of race, gender and species are acceptable we'd all be 'mixing it up' more. 

I disagree. I would definitely be trying to pull B'Elanna Torres, the Klingon engineer but ultimately she's still female. I do agree more of us are bisexual than what the gay or straight community would like acknowledge though. 

I don't believe we are all innately bisexual if it's about loving another person. Yes if it's just sex (and I've covered before about acknowledging and de-stigmatising lesbians who have sex with men), but there's plenty of evidence that those who try to be what they are not end up very unhappy. 

My friend ended up expressing not such a unique and shocking viewpoint albeit expressed poorly and she is right that there is stigma from both gays and straights towards bisexuality; may be as she believes, preventing more of us from both sides of the fence moving closer to the middle, however to use the words "choice" and "gay or lesbian" in the same sentence is dangerous territory.