Donor, not Father.

"So, do you know much about the father?" is something I get asked often.
"You mean donor" I correct. "Father implies a relationship. The donor is not a father to LJ. He doesn't have a father." I explain.

'Father' seems to slip off the tongue of family and friends effortlessly without any thought. I've repeated the same conversation what feels like a hundred times with them.

"It's not fair to LJ, GGF or the donor. You must learn to use the right language" I tell them.
"Yes, yes, I know" they flippently respond, making the same error again next time they have a question, which simply angers me.

LJ is too young to understand the conversation, but at some point he won't be. I want those close to him to be less careless for his sake and that of his relationship with GGF.

There will come a point when people outside our immediate family and friends will ask LJ directly about 'Daddy', because of an automatic and pervasive assumption that everyone is in a heterosexual relationship and all children are raised in one.  So it feels even more important that those close to us, who know us and our family, get it right.

A straight World - A cultural shift in my life

After spending many years (as this blog testifies) of my life primarily hanging out in lesbian circles, the birth of LJ has changed all that and i've all of a sudden found myself in a totally straight world.

Since coming out around 20 years ago my social life has been focused around and in LGBT culture from hanging out on The Scene with mates to being part of LGBT groups and committees and even working for an LGBT charity. But becoming a parent means i've started spending more time with other mums and it turns out all of them are straight and I've found myself the only lesbian amongst them. At anti-natal classes GGF and I were the only expectant same-sex couple, at the local 'new Mum and Baby' group I am the only lesbian, and LJ and I see plenty of other mums (and a few dads) and their babies all of similar age regularly at the weekly baby classes we attend and I'm the only queer mamma; LJ the only baby with same-sex parents. It doesn't bother me, it doesn't seem to bother anyone else, it's not stopped us making new friends, but it's a cultural shift in my life. 

A lot of our friends, like many lesbian couples have been forced to leave Brighton & Hove finding it unaffordable for their expanding needs and moved further west to Portslade or Worthing or moved out of the region altogether. Women are still fighting for equality in the workplace with wages and promotion, women's products are still priced higher than their male equivalents and even female baby clothes cost more than those for boy babies. When you are a two-women family you generally have less income so it compounds the affordability of living here. Me and GGF are fortunate we can, maybe that's why, even though we live in the "gay capital", we find ourselves the only gay parents here?

You are assumed to be in a heterosexual relationship unless you say otherwise and LJ is assumed to have a daddy. It means constantly coming out. I mostly refer to GGF as partner at baby groups because coming out to everyone all of the time can get exhausting and boring.

Not every child will have a mum and dad and not every child will be raised by a mum and dad or be genetically related to those raising them, yet this pervasive assumption is there. It would be better if there was more wider acknowledgement of the diversity of families, not with just same-sex families. It will be something that LJ equally will have to contend with and correct people on as he gets older. Knowing his family is different and he doesn't have a daddy will be something he will realise very quickly.

It's easier when GGF and I are together as a family as it's more obvious than when it's just me and LJ. We often then do not have to explain anything or 'come out', we do not have to explain our family, we are just a family unit.

Our experience in this moment, has more in common with the straight couples who have babies of similar age than other gay people because our shift of focus has moved to LJ rather than our social life. Equally they are going through some of the same challenges in raising a baby. In some ways their experiences are different and in many ways they are the same.


*Both Rainbow Families and the Donor Conception Network provide a regular meet-up in the city for same-sex parents. 

Mum, Mummy, Mama, Mami, Mumie, Mutti

What to call yourselves when you're two mums, mothers, mummys, mammas... is a minefield, and additionally so if you are looking for non-gender binary terms or as the non-birth parent, you may not identify with the connotation of mum.

You'd think with freedom from stereotypical gendered parent roles and so many potential options, it would be easy and straightforward to pick which you'd like to use. And so initially it appeared to us.  Before LJ was born we discussed whether it was better to let LJ decide for himself or for us to self-label which LJ would either feel happy to continue to use indefinitely or will evolve as he sees fit. However, GGF was keen to be (German) Mami (pronounced Mummy) which she had used as a child, and family and friends kept asking us too, so we opted to self-label.

I only remember having always called my own mother, Mum. However I felt uncomfortable using this as it feels so formal whilst LJ is so young. I wanted something softer and more endearing, so opted for Mama, however ideally I'd prefer an adapted version like Dadam, instead of Dad (I'm soooo disappointed that Mumam does not work!)

Following LJ's birth in the first few weeks we stuck to Mami for GGF and Mama for me, but as quickly as those first weeks have turned into months, we both find ourselves and others mixing it up and using Mum, Mummy and Mama interchangeably and randomly between us.

As the birth parent, Mummy feels more natural to me, whilst Mama feels not, may be because it's less familiar to me and often at baby classes I attend, the songs often refer to Mummy. Thus leaving us back with the dilemma of what and if to self-label or continue as we are and just let LJ choose for himself when he's able too? He will likely outgrow Mummy once older too.

For now, we continue to mix it up, interchanging without correction whilst sticking to what we agreed with Mami/Mamma when asked formally and when we remember to do so with LJ. I've added an extra "m" as this psychologically seems to help?! I can't wait to see if LJ continues to use these or changes them to something he prefers.

For those looking for possible examples, in English common names are: Mum, Mummy, Mamma, Mammy, Ma. In German, Mami, Mumie, Mutti are most common.

However if you are looking for something outside of the common names, you could pick from the following that other same-sex mums are using: Mo, Maddy, Momo, Ima (Hebrew), Mumsy, Opie (O.P. aka Other Parent), Oma (Other Mamma), Maman, Baba. 

What has been your experience? What did you choose? Or what would you choose? 

Transient in Brighton

The joke goes that when you visit Brighton for a weekend, you'll be unlikely to leave again. A weekend turns into a week, which turns into a month and before you know it, you've rented a place to live. Which is why when you ask almost anyone how long they've lived in Brighton, most responses will range from "only a month" to two or three years. If you've lived here 16 years as I have, you get weird looks like you've actually overstayed your welcome! 

It's an easy place to make friends if you're sociable enough, a place to relax in where you are easily accepted for who you are, a place where you can discover yourself without anyone judging. It's a place where you are encouraged to be out rather than in and it's easy to get caught up in a never-ending invite to events and activities to suit whatever your preferences and taste. So it's not hard to figure out why people get caught up in the "Brighton bubble", stay and call this home; at least for a short while. 

Brighton though is a transient city. People come here to have fun. They come to study hard and party hard at one of the two universities, they come to enjoy their summer by the sea picking up casual work in the busy and social cafes and bars, they come to teach in one of the hundreds of language schools, or take time to zen out with plenty of shared company at the holistic centres dotted across the city. 

But that transient population go again. Because they've burnt out and realise that book they wanted to write hasn't been started yet, because they've spent all their savings and need to head back to the safety of Mum & Dad before they accrue more debt, because they realise they cannot afford to buy if they want to settle down, so they move out to the cheaper areas of Portslade or Worthing, or they get dogs and decide to move to the countryside or they decide to head to the bright lights of London to start their career or be part of a bigger scene; Brighton can feel claustrophobic if you stay too long. 

Living in a transient city means that friends and your friendship groups are very transient too as people move away with a frequency I believe to be unique to this city. Lesbian groups especially, assisted by relationship break ups and marriages can literally obliterate them to fragments. The former because no-one can hang out together anymore as loyal sides are taken and the latter because they simply don't go out anymore!

To last the course here, just like the tide, you have to move with the ebb and flow of changes and willing to adjust, you have to say no to a few invites every now and again in order to persue your ambitions and dreams and if you want to buy here, definitely don't get a dog, or a baby! 

Commuting whilst pregnant

I've happily commuted from Hove to London since I started working there three years ago. Whilst many in Brighton view it as something abhorrent to be undertaken only if completely necessary, it's never felt that way to me. That was until I got pregnant.  In all I managed (just about!) to commute for 37 consecutive weeks and I hated every one of those weeks. Here's why...

• Even if you are at the front of the crowd to get on the carriage as it pulls into the station, everyone will still push past you regardless of how big and heavy you are to grab a seat. Why? Because they know you will turf out the person in the priority seat so they are damn well not going to be considerate and spend their journey standing by being polite! 

• You proudly display your "Baby On Board" badge and could be the size of a whale. No one gives a shit on this line. If they give up their seat for you it means they are standing for an hour or more with the stations so far apart and so busy as you cross the Downs. You will have no choice but to take a priority seat from someone, or in my case I adjusted my start and finish time so I was not on the busiest trains in and out of London. 

• You've managed to get on and there's still a seat, but it's the one by the window. Damn! You think the person in the isle seat will move over to make room for you. Not a chance. They will get up and expect you to squeeze your mammoth body between the seat and the table. 

• Brighton buses don't fare any better. There was a lady in the isle priority seat with all her shopping placed next to her. The bus was busy.  I first had to ask her to remove her shopping off the seat. (Just to quickly point out I was now on maternity leave at 38 weeks!) Then instead of moving across or standing up to make room for me to sit down, she asked me to "squeeze past". After 37 weeks of tolerating train commuting I'd had enough of stupid selfish idiots, 

"Squeeze past! There's a full size baby in there, it doesn't squeeze you moron. Breathing-in isn't going to make any bloody difference you know!"

And she still didn't get up to let me get in.

• On the subject of squeezing, when the trains are rammed like cattle carts and you are forced to stand, and then someone on the platform yells, "can you move down please" and looks at you, but you can't move down because the aisle size seems to have copied the Vietnam guerrilla Cu Chi tunnels that it's physically impossible for you! "I'm too big, I don't fit" you yell back! At this point the person in the priority seat who pretended you didn't exist before and that they had not seen you, is glared at by everyone on the platform, so they are forced to relinquish their seat for you.  

• Even when you have managed to get into a seat further inside the carriage (often when a little smaller than the last two months!), if then becomes a challenge getting off as everyone stood in the aisle breathes in to make room for your bump like that's going to help! People are soooooo stupid! 

• Outside Victoria station there are traffic lights that people get frustrated waiting at. May be it's your awareness that you have a little person reliant on your care inside you, may be it's because your bones have begun to loosen from all the 'relaxin' being produced and you can only hobble slowly, but the last thing you are willing to do is dart in front of oncoming buses whilst the lights are green. So invariably, you will have people trying to push you across whilst you are trying to stay on your feet. I lost count at the number of people I wanted to throw in front of those buses! I'm frankly surprised I never did. 

• As well as the commute I found Victoria concourse awful whilst pregnant. Your own sense of protective space hugely increases, both so bump doesn't get knocked and you equally don't get knocked over. Yet despite all the floor signs saying 'Don't be a trolley wally' as well as your obvious pregnancy, it still does not stop people from running directly in front of you with their luggage or banging into you with a backwards 'sorry' thrown at you as they fly past. The number of people I wanted to hit on that concourse over my nine months could've trained me for an Olympic boxing match! 

In fact that was the constant during my commuting time whilst pregnant. I wanted to wallop a lot of people, every day!

Donor Conceived Babies: An Acceptance of Normality

For me, using a donor known only by his catalogue number seemed the most right decision for us as a family. We considered other options but always came back to the choice that we went on to make.

Living in Brighton I knew that our family would have an 'acceptance of normality'; that our child would likely know others with same-sex parents and therefore donor conceived as well. 

Attending anti-natal class and baby groups, I have surprisingly found myself the only lesbian couple and lesbian mum respectively. Where once the people I hung out with were mostly gay and childless, the arrival of our baby has changed all that with my time now spent with other mums, the majority of whom, are not gay. 

I can only assume, based on the other lesbian mothers/couples I have met, that with house prices so high in Brighton & Hove they have all moved out to Portslade & Worthing! 

The sun out, wind calm and the temperature high, I head to the beach to meet up with other mums. By coincidence every mum beachside with their baby was conceived using male and female donors.  That shared knowledge connects us and allows us to talk freely about the decisions we made.

I was not expecting to be the "only gay mum in the (Hove) village" but so far have found myself to be. Instead what I have found, due to the average age of childbearing women being late 30's and 40's, is to be surrounded by heterosexual couples/mums with babies also conceived by anonymous donors either because they are still single or because of fertility issues. 

My expectation of 'acceptance of normality' as one of many same-sex couples is completely different to the reality where it is donor conception being widely used by straight couples that provides me that shared experience with others.  

When your path to a family might be different, it seems you become part of the majority. 

I just don't care anymore

'I just don't care anymore' was definitely the running theme of tonight. Whether my friend genuinely meant it or whether it meant anything but, I'm undecided, but leaning toward the latter.

"It's ok being single", I reassure her but it was not going to make a difference to her singleton insecurity; I am after all in a relationship and one that is stable and long-term. I therefore just by my mere presence rub salt in the wound. 

Although my friend was not in a position to recognise it, I could genuinely sympathise. I might not be single but I have had enough relationships that I self label as a CRF (complete relationship failure) to have reached my own 'I just don't care anymore' point in the past. It was only when friends stepped in to help me overcome my appalling record and introduced me to GGF, my CRF trend ended. Otherwise no doubt I'd either be single myself or in another disastrous relationship on the precipice of ending again. 

Singledom feels even harder once you reach your 30s and 40s. Most lesbians are paired up (even in their 20s!), settled and either moving in together, getting engaged, married, a dog, or having a baby. If you're single and not doing these things too it can feel a very lonely place, not least because you've few lesbians to hang out with; they're all at home snuggling up and saving money for the next stage of their relationship! And when you do get the chance you're nearly always the third wheel. Even the fact that here I was out alone, without GGF is unusual in the world of lesbian coupledom.

Artwork by Andre Jordan. £2.50 from Scribbler Cranbourne St. Brighton.
Lesbians always come in pairs! 

My "It's ok being single", fell on death ears that wanted to wallow. Of course she did, when all around, you're being reminded of your single status and feel in the minority.  But equally, I see lesbians jumping from one relationship straight into another, scared of being single, lugging their emotional baggage with them and never really knowing themselves outside of a relationship. 

"It's ok being single".

My former boss once commented to me, “Susan, you seem much happier when you're single”. 
Happiness was the wrong word. I definitely feel freer. I don't mean in the sense of having freedom to do what I want, with who I want and how I want, but I do mean free from the “emotions” caused by being in love. When I'm single I almost feel more stable. 

Don't get me wrong, I love GGF and would not choose to be single in replacement of having GGF in my life, but being in love with another can be a roller-coaster of emotions that are not necessarily euphoric. You are two individuals where compromise and consideration are paramount for the partnership, but not always given. I've shed more tears caused by actions of girlfriends than I have from any other causes. 

Relationships are complicated by being emotional rollercoaters

We can all recognise times in our week when our relationships affect our emotions causing us to feel upset, stressed, anxious and distracted whether through mis-communication, mis-understandings, jealously, disputes, tensions, selfish behaviours or their absence. 

Times when I wish I wasn't affected by the love I felt for another.

"It's ok being single". 

Not the mother, not the father.

GGF had not been in the best of moods all morning. A few months into my pregnancy and it was all now very real. The shock that "it" (IUI) had worked so quickly had passed, to be replaced by new emotions. For me, it was a sense of vulnerability, that this new life inside me meant that no matter what, I now would have this little person reliant and dependent on me, and for GGF what was going on with her emotions came out later that day!

Ignoring GGF's brooding mood, I insisted on a trip to Waterstones in town to pick up a baby journal, thinking it was something nice we could fill in together in preparation for our child's arrival. With hindsight it was a very bad idea to do that day and became a rather fruitless and painful excursion.

Inside we headed to the baby section and the overloaded shelf where pretty baby journal's were crammed on. Of course we wanted one that didn't reference "father" or "dad". I had wrongly assumed that the world had modernised but as we pulled off journal after journal, it became clear that same-sex or any sort of alternative family to 'one mum and one dad' was clearly non-existent to these retail providers. And it wasn't just same-sex families blatantly being ignored, but remarried families with step-siblings and step-parents, adopted and fostered families or where extended family members or grandparents were the main carers. I still feel surprised, but am more surprised at my surprise; did I really think the reality of modern life would be represented on this shelf?!

We settle on a journal that makes a single reference to 'dad' that can be easily stickered over, but GGF then quickly sidetracks herself with a different shelf about the neutral topic of food and baby weaning. I start looking at the advice books. Again they all use the word "father" or "dad" in the title, but I find one that seems full of fab advice for the paternal parent (my terminology here that seems to not be used at all in the baby section). I show GGF.

"I'm not the dad, I'm the mum" she grumpily and abruptly informs me, dissing the book I show her and any others I might be inclined to do the same with. "I know" I say, "but the advice is really good inside and it's only a title; the advice is still relevant", I try to rationalise to her. But she's not interested and I'm failing at alleviating the situation.

In fact I feel unable to help as I realise that what GGF is trying to resolve emotionally in herself and what she's worried about is whether she will connect with and love our unborn child when she's not genetically related. Will our child connect with her, and see her as their mum too, knowing that out there, is the other half of their genetics and what's GGF's role versus the donor's role in this relationship? What about society and how that will see her in our family - will she even be acknowledged? I see her battling with these emotions and thoughts, whilst I just feel frustrated at society that it continues to reinforce one family stereotype. It really does feel like there is very little support and advice for the expectant same-sex paternal parent*.

GGF was absolutely right, she was not going to be a "Dad" because she was not going to be emulating being a female version of one. She was going to be a parent in her own right; she just needed to figure out what that was for herself, without society trying to force the "dad' label on her just because it still refuses and cannot acknowledge and comprehend anything else.

*If you know of any good websites, blogs, bloggers, books or organisations sharing experiences for the expectant same-sex paternal parent do mention them in the comments.

** Following this eventful day I am pleased to say that I have since heard about My Amazing Family and Me written and designed by Jesse Toksvig-Stewart (the daughter of broadcaster Sandi Toksvig). Available at: http://www.uglyduckbooks.co.uk

Telling people you're pregnant when you're gay

Whilst a very few of my very long standing friends knew I wanted children at some point, it was never something I actively spoke of. I never coo-d over other people's, rarely came into contact with anyone who had children and my career has always been at the forefront of my priorities. So it was something easy to be silent about. Plus it's still not something overly spoken or assumed about in the gay community.

GGF always knew (I think!) that I might want children one day, but was unbothered either way so left it to me to decide if and when it was to happen. Then one day, following my 38th birthday after contemplating that it was either now or never and the "is this the right time" question was no longer up for debate, I knew I had to make a decision.

I did so by simply saying to GGF "it's time" and she responded with a simple "OK".

Fast forward six months and the window on the pee stick shows a clear and distinct blue cross. The 12 week milestone feels an agonising wait but when it's successfully reached I feel reluctant to tell others our good news and feel relieved it's not yet noticeable. When you're gay and stop drinking, no-one even assumes it's because you're pregnant, so it's not even mentioned unless you do.

It feels like having to come out all over again, not only to family, but this time to gay friends. I wonder at how they will take this unexpected news? Will it be met with disapproval; by my family because of the unknown half of DNA, by friends for doing something sooo "heterosexual" and by work colleagues, some of whom might have strong views (especially if they'd been listening to Pope Francis reinforcing the Catholic view that only heterosexual parents enables healthy parenting during my 13th week!)

It's a nervous time telling family, wondering if they will accept this grandchild/nephew/niece like they accept their others; I need not have worried, my Mum more surprised than anything.
"I always thought you were a career girl" she says.
"I still am Mum, can't a woman have both? I plan too!"
"Well, as long as it's really what you want"
"Bit late to change my mind!"
(Mum now super excited, once the surprise element had passed!)

Then we cheated, and whilst we had begun to tell some of our friends one by one as we saw them which I found excruciatingly painful, ("how boring" was one response!), we posted a status update on Facebook following our first scan. Phew! Social media making it far easier, although some friends and family still didn't realise it was us having the baby!

We got lots of babysitting offers.

But like all couples, the next element will be who of our friends still wants to hang out with us, once our new family member joins us and life out on the gay scene as we were, is no more. 

Being pro-active in fundraising for our LGBT organisations

Camping this bank holiday weekend might have been slightly optimistic as five of us huddled close around the open camp fire trying to stay warm once the sun went down, leaving frosty sub zero temperatures.

Conversation turns to what we've been up to, plans ahead; next Sunday is the Stonewall Equality Walk which takes place annually during May bank holiday in Brighton. We discuss who's planning on taking part.

“The thing is, I just don't like ramming it down people's throats; raising money for gay things” says one of the women, there are nods of agreement from the others.

As someone who has been active in the Brighton LGBT community, both working and volunteering for its' many charities and groups as well as my current employment being with a fundraising organisation, I find this viewpoint disappointing, but not unfamiliar. Just ask any of your friends who they are running, abseiling, swimming for, or some other fundraising challenge and you’re unlikely to hear it’s for an LGBT organisation, with the view expressed around the campfire shared by many of the LGBT community.

Yet this leaves our LGBT organisations vulnerable. MindOut, Switchboard and Sussex Beacon nearly closed in 2012, and Pride changed from being a charity to a business in the same year in order to remain operational. The small charity sector which includes nearly all of Brighton's LGBT organisations, is still heavily reliant on statutory and grant funders; but this has increasingly become a smaller pot of money available and the competition for it, ever higher.

For sustainability, small charities need to diversify their income through fundraising, but this seems to be an even bigger challenge for LGBT charities. It’s a sad fact that as LGBT individuals the majority of us do not seem to be as loyal to LGBT services, don’t seem to care in fact if they exist at all and general apathy prevails. May be, because we fail to see the value of these services if we are not using them ourselves and do not know those who are or how we, are benefiting from them?

LGBT organisations need to get better at engaging with their LGBT communities, so they see the value of their services and understand who and how they are helping, but LGBT individuals also need to recognise that we should all be more pro-active in raising awareness of 'gay things' and being a voice for LGBT rights and equality, the organisations enabling this and the fundraising money that is needed by them.

A very typical lesbian love affair

The girlfriend might be away this weekend, but the title of this post is not me alluding to having any hanky panky in her absence! However this is about others who are.

In the last year I've seen some of my closest friends have their long term relationships come to an end through affairs – not untypical you might be thinking – except that, the partners were not actually (they claimed) having sex with the women they were having an affair with.

I've experienced it, the girlfriend has experienced it, and friends are being hurt because of it. It seems this is a very typical lesbian love affair; whereby women get together emotionally without the physical contact. There's sexual chemistry, emotional intimacy and emotional attachment resulting in secrecy, lying and loss of transparency with their partner.

They might hang out together or it might be an 'online' affair, confiding inner most thoughts and feelings with each other, they might express emotions for each other verbally or through 'signals' – but they don't kiss, they don't have sex. In their minds denying themselves this forbidden fruit means they are not and cannot be accused of, having an affair.

For those on the painful end of lesbian 'emotional affairs', the biggest element of this betrayal is the denial when the partner having the affair is challenged either prior or post break-up.

• They claim they did all they could to protect you from getting hurt during your break-up (by not getting physical with the woman who is now their new girlfriend).
  
  
• Outright deny they are having an affair so they don't have to face the consequences (yet!)
  
  
• Claim they only got with the person once you were separated so they can avoid the wrath of others. Let's face it, lesbian circles are small; to be isolated out from it, is a big deal!
  
  
• Deny it to themselves so they can feel less guilty about what they've actually done/doing. 'Affairs are what the straight world do' and are not in the realm of lesbianism!
  
  
• By not getting physical it looks to their peers like they got together after splitting up with respective partners so this new relationship is accepted by those peers; and as girlz barely pause for breath between relationships no-one questions the speed at which they 'moved on'.

• As I was reminded and wrote about in where and what is the lesbian moral code with exes, in the lesbian world, the moral boundary is not crossed if, “theoretically they’ve done nothing wrong”.

The sense of betrayal in an emotional affair is just as great as if it was a physical one. In many ways it is worse because for the partner they can often see and feel it happening, especially if it is with someone within their lesbian friendship circle or from the only lesbian pub in town. Denial makes them even more powerless. If you are engaging in an emotional affair, do the decent thing, and at least be honest about it! 

Lesbians eagerly airing their dirty laundry in public

I had anticipated that New Years Eve was going to be uneventful. I'd invited a friend I've known since my university days to Brighton to come and celebrate with me. Together with the girlfriend we headed to join others at the popular local gay pub.

I should have known that lesbians in a room together consuming alcohol is always going to lead to trouble in someone's quarter. I immediately sensed a problem brewing in mine when, a couple of hours into drinking, my shy and timid visiting friend returned from the bar,

"I've been chatting to a couple of girls at the bar. It's a really weird situation they've got going on. They've recently broken up but are out together."

"Don't get involved" I tell my mate, but know she's already too involved into the unfolding and unresolved issues of someone's else's relationship, may be to escape her own.

I notice one of the girls from the couple is hovering nearby and I feel annoyed by it.

Annoyed because this is what lesbians do. Instead of dealing with or accepting the crumbling state of  their relationship, they bring their dirty laundry to (in this case) the pub, involve and use others (stupid enough to get involved) to create jealously and push buttons in their partner.

All becomes distracted by Chiming Big Ben on the overhead speakers counting down those last 10 seconds of 2013.

We toast in the new year and attempt to sing Old Lang Syne but like most of the British populace I suspect, end up humming for the majority.

My friend disappears again.

A short time later she hurtles back at break-neck speed with a girl chasing her who slaps/pushes my friend's back in aggression and storms out the back door. My friend hides behind us.

"Oh my God, I've just kissed one of the girls from the couple at the bar and the girlfriend didn't like it! It was stupid of me but I just felt sorry for her" she tells me like a naughty school child.

"This is soooo typically lesbian!" I reply in my best teacher tone.

We rally the girls we're out with in case of further aggressive outbursts - this is when butch lesbians come into their own! I can see the girlfriend from the couple pacing outside.

Whilst my friend continues to hide behind us, all seems to calm down and the couple disappear in the throng of New Year celebrants. We decide it's the perfect opportunity to slip out and head home.

Male fragrances for women. What's your perfect scent?

I decided to put perfume in GGF's stocking for Christmas this year. Sounds simple enough except that GGF like many a lesbian prefers the wood and musk smells of the men's counter over the delicate floral aromas found on the women's isle.

Whilst GGF was out the house I took a rummage at her existing collection to get some idea of what she already likes.

She had an empty bottle of 'Kenzo Homme' which is my personal favourite that she wears. When GGF first bought this I described it like talcum power - which she was completely unimpressed by (and I suspect put her off it) – but to me it's got a very homely smell and love it on her, but buying it as a gift for Christmas would feel completely selfish! This has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar.

Another favourite of mine in her collection is 'Hugo Man' by Hugo Boss. This also has base notes of Sandalwood, Balsam Fir and Cedar Wood like my other favourite. Ummm, a bit of a theme here.

GGF had other various Hugo Boss male scents (Pure & Boss in Motion), Clinique Happy for men, Truth by Calvin Klein and a couple of bottles of Lacoste (Cool Play & Pour Homme); GGF had never mentioned what her favourite was and despite them all running low, I decided to get her something new to try.

Approximately 33% of the female population wear men's fragrances as their preference, yet when I asked for advice on popular male fragrances for girlz in the perfume shops of Brighton (who I thought would be quite familiar with this request as I cannot possibly have been the first lesbian to visit the store asking!) I disappointingly got blank stares in return, whilst the lone male member of staff from one shop was practically quivering and kept running off to get samples from the female counter.

Ditching the (un)helpful sales staff I decided to go it alone. Luckily I had already done some research online thanks to these fab articles:

10 men's fragrances that women love - for themselves
Cologne & Perfume Guide for Queers
Xmas Gift Guide: Fragrances  - Diva magazine
Men's fragrance sales soar

Armed with this information as a long list of possibilities I headed where I could peruse the isles and just make up my own mind. After spraying numerous varieties of male cologne over myself (thankfully GGF was out for the evening otherwise this was going to be no secret!) I kept coming back to the fresh and citrus based Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme.  

... and she likes it. Phew! 

I was born this way, oh there ain't no other way...

It's been a long time since I heard someone say that lesbians and gays choose to be so, and I don't mean some Nigerian leader on a documentary by Stephen Fry, but face to face in the pub. What surprised me more was that the individual making this bold statement describes their own sexuality as lesbian and is as butch as they come. 

Somewhat speechless I jumped into defence mode of the world's LGB population, struggling to splutter out my response I was so aghast.

"How can you say that?! People spend years struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, even self harming or committing suicide because of who they are." 

I pointed out that has she not told me in the past how her family guessed she was lesbian long before she did, demonstrating it's nature that makes people gay or lesbian. 

"Why are you not going out with men and leading a straight lifestyle if it's a choice?! I ask. 

"Because I like being with women, I prefer being with women" was her matter of fact reply. 

I try to get to the bottom of what I still view as a dangerous and outrageous statement to be making so flippantly. 

I finally conclude that the point my friend is trying to make (so very badly) is that all humans are innately bisexual to a varying degree. If we lived in a Star Trek world where all preferences regardless of race, gender and species are acceptable we'd all be 'mixing it up' more. 

I disagree. I would definitely be trying to pull B'Elanna Torres, the Klingon engineer but ultimately she's still female. I do agree more of us are bisexual than what the gay or straight community would like acknowledge though. 

I don't believe we are all innately bisexual if it's about loving another person. Yes if it's just sex (and I've covered before about acknowledging and de-stigmatising lesbians who have sex with men), but there's plenty of evidence that those who try to be what they are not end up very unhappy. 

My friend ended up expressing not such a unique and shocking viewpoint albeit expressed poorly and she is right that there is stigma from both gays and straights towards bisexuality; may be as she believes, preventing more of us from both sides of the fence moving closer to the middle, however to use the words "choice" and "gay or lesbian" in the same sentence is dangerous territory.  

Growing old is feeling good

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going to be 37. Reflecting back through the decades, 37 is feeling a good year to celebrate and happily blow out the mass of candles struggling for room on the cake. I'm still feeling a comfortable distance from 40 but four decades after I arrived in the world, life has definitely become more settled and dare I say it, for fear that the Gods that like to play chess and gamble might hear - 'contented'.

Each previous decade has been marked by change and upheaval. I remember aged seven I was settling (reluctantly) into a new school in a new area following a house move by my parents. A decade later I  had recently come out to my best mate Annie and was looking forward to going to University and meeting "others like me". Aged 27 I had made the decision to leave my teaching career and plan what became a two year travel/work experience across Asia and Australasia.

In true fashion, I will be moving again shortly, not to London (where I work) as friends keep expecting me to do, but a mere mile away in the same city (Hove 'actually'!) to live with GGF in what hopefully will be the beginning of a new phase for the decades to come.

Compared to our fellow straight compatriots us lesbians generally settle down later in life. With few responsibilities lesbians can be found, way beyond any mid-life crisis and the onset of menopause quite happy to still be partying like they're 18. It may well be the case that you're as young as you feel, but even if my mind was willing, my body is definitely no longer as much.

I'll admit I'm still on the scene weekly, more than I would be otherwise if not for GGF and her mates who seem to still enjoy it, though I notice more and more of us seem to disappear like Cinderella before midnight arrives!

On occasion I will jealously look at my younger 20-something colleagues who bounce around the office full of energy every day, all day, even seemingly on hangovers, but I'm happy to accept that I no longer enjoy the things I once did: clubbing on a Saturday night, loud pubs, city centre living... spending money on beer.

Growing old is feeling good and I'm enjoying the change of pace that's occurring. I'm optimistic things will just get even better.

I think my girlfriend might be from Planet Vulcan

When Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek I reckon he based the Vulcans on the German populace if my girlfriend's anything to go by. GGF takes a very logical and practical approach to all matters in life to the point where whenever I watch an episode of Enterprise, I can't help thinking how alike she is too Commander T'Pol, the Vulcan science officer!

T'Pol

So when we got onto the subject of gay marriage at the weekend triggered by something on Facebook, I was not at all surprised with how the conversation went:

"I'm not interested in getting married" GGF informs me.

"I've always liked the idea of getting married" I tell her, "or having a pagan handfasting ceremony - a public display to those who know us of our commitment and love to one another".

GGF's Vulcan side emerges.
"Only if it makes financial sense like if your money is tied together and because it gives your partner power of attorney. Then marriage makes practical sense and would be the only reason I would marry"

"What about commitment and romanticism?" I ask, somewhat disappointed that my dreams of a romantic nuptial will never materialise.

"What, running around stressed your family are going to have a big fall out and making sure everything's going to go OK? Being in a relationship IS commitment, isn't that enough?!"

Whilst GGF is uninterested in any form of commitment ceremony and therefore takes little interest in whether civil partnerships or same-sex marriage is allowed, I'm firmly in support of the same-sex marriage bill being implemented giving us equal rights reflected in an equal law and allowing those who believe in a God, the right to have their love acknowledged in a church ceremony.

I would never marry for just practical reasons but because my heart wants it so. Thankfully just as T'Pol is praised for her tolerance of emotional and irrational humans to be the longest serving Vulcan officer on a human ship, so too does GGF tolerate my rather more soppy side.  Maybe in time I can bring out her soppy side too!

Vulcans by the way have only arranged marriages often decided during their childhood.

May be not me, but I'm a firm
supporter of the right to marry.

Is it a lesbian party or dog school?!

The sun's shining, there are signs of spring and lesbians are coming out from hibernation. If you want a party or BBQ you can guarantee at this time of year, there's a lesbian get together somewhere near you. 

However if you've been invited along you'll discover that there's lots of new additions to the party. No, I'm not talking a baby boom in the lesbian populace (just yet!) but I am talking dogs. There's been an explosion of puppy parenting in Brighton and whilst this is good news for the animal shelters (shame on you otherwise!), depending on your viewpoint this could be good or bad news for any BBQ you've got planned as you'll need to keep hold of your pint and your sausage. 

Not content with one dog, it's common to find lesbian households with two or three. Times that by multiple lesbian households at your party and even the most popular of girls will find our four legged friends are outnumbering our human ones! I've noticed that one friend has even put a restriction of "one dog per person" for her upcoming get together to control their number before it gets out of hand. 

It seems that lesbians are ditching cats in favour of being dog lovers, and just like human nurseries, you can find lots of obsessive parenting with shared doggy tales around the camp fire, as well as helpful and empathetic tips and advice when your Bruno the Bull Terrier goes ballistic because Sandy the Staff has stolen his ball.  

If you're allergic to dog hair or not a dog lover, or actually just want to chat about something other than dogs, you've been warned, this may be a summer you prefer to sit out. 

The dogs will be looking to have just as much fun as you!
Copyright Whiskers Resort. 

A lesbian man-crush

This Saturday I'm off to London with the GGF for the David Bowie exhibition at the V&A museum. GGF loves Bowie. Her best friend who loves Bowie is coming too.

Even my best mate, who's not coming on Saturday loves Bowie and has a painting of him adorning her living room wall,

“He's the only man I would marry” she's told me in the past. I presume she means if he was in his formative years.

Bowie is a classic example of a “man-crush”. Men that are adored and loved by gay women. I look at the painting on my friend's wall and wonder what it is that has these lesbians and others like them adoring him? May be the V&A exhibition will give me some insight.

I've got a man-crush on Dermot O'Leary and eagerly await X-Factor every year just so I get to enjoy his company every Saturday and Sunday night. To me he comes across as the perfect gent, a nice guy, my perception of the perfect man – qualities I want in my female partners actually. I'd be devastated if I was to discover that he's actually an absolute b*****d.

Whilst Lady Morgana the evil High Priestess with her bad ass attitude from Merlin has me dribbling profusely in the world of fantasy, it's Legolas, the Elf Warrior in Lord of the Rings I go weak at the knees over - I just can't resist his long flowing blond hair and cute pointy ears.

Other popular man-crushes by lesbians are David Beckham, Professor Bryan Cox, Daniel Craig and Brad Pitt (I particularly liked him as Louis de Pointe du Lac, the Louisiana vampire in Interview with the Vampire).

Do you have a man-crush you'd like to share? May be you can explain what it is about particular guys that lesbians just love?

Fingers crossed David Bowie makes an appearance tomorrow (Mr B - 12 noon please!) Not only will that put me firmly in first place as the best girlfriend ever (as I bought the tickets for GGF's birthday) but I can ask Bowie directly about his man-crush status.

Which lesbian icon are you like?

Brighton LGBT Pride which takes place on August 3rd have announced this years theme as 'gay icons'. On hearing this it immediately made me think of my girlfriend who's obsessed with David Bowie and will be cheering the loudest for any parade entry with a Ziggy theme. It might even inspire her to dress up with his iconic flash for the occasion too. My face paints are at the ready!

Gay icons is a great theme to get us all excited this year. Synonymous with the LGBT community we've all got a love of someone from the glitzy diva's we like to emulate to the sports personalities we admire.

It's also a great theme because gay icons are allies or those who are out and proud - those who have stood up publicly for LGBT rights, equality for all and challenged those who have been against us. With the equal marriage Bill currently being debated in the Houses of Parliament and LGBT bullying in schools at the forefront of major campaigns to tackle the issue; celebrating and acknowledging those that publicly stick up for us whether gay or straight is a powerful and important message.

Pink is a popular icon for lesbians

Whilst names like Martina Navratilova, Claire Balding, Jane Lynch and Pink immediately spring to my mind as great lesbian icons, I did a quick Google search to see who else we might see represented in the parade. It will be particularly interesting to see the generational differences for people's icon choices.

Instead I got distracted by a 'Which Lesbian Icon Are you?' quiz on the website AfterEllen. They'd identified the following as key (American) lesbian icons: Gertrude Stein, Wander Sykes, Ellen Degeneres, Rachel Maddow, Peppermint Patty, Martina Navratiova, Xena Warrior Princess and Melissa Etheridge. Half of these I've no idea who they are! After 12 questions about my personality, life style and contributions to the LGBT community it announces my result declaring me akin to gay icon Rachel Maddow, an American television host, political commentator, and author.

Which LGBT icon will you be eager to see and who do you think you're most like?

Can we ever be a united LGBT community again?

It wasn't long ago that I was writing about what it was like to work for an LGBT organisation. Two years on and I'm still in the charity sector but now at a non-LGBT organisation in London where I am the only 'out' lesbian (although not the only gay member of staff). This week I posted the following onto Facebook as a result of a comment made by my manager earlier in the day:

 What ensued was a stream of comments from gay friends, straight friends and family with their opinions on why I questioned it as a problem and if it was a problem at all. Whilst my knowledge of how embedded 'that's so gay' has become in the English language could almost excuse the naivety of family and straight friends on the matter who would require 'educating', I was shocked at some of the responses of my LGBT friends. One lesbian friend even commented that “I should get a grip” if I felt that offended by its use.

The Brighton Pride theme for this year is gay icons. A common quality of a gay icon is someone who has given support to LGBT rights, advocating equal rights and in many cases speaking out against those in opposition. So I find it ironic that as an LGBT community we cannot agree on what those rights should be, what equality is for us and what constitutes prejudice and homo/transphobia and in this case what language is not OK in the workplace.

Once upon a time the community was united with the AIDS epidemic and Abolition of Section 28. But as the same sex marriage bill is debated in the House of Commons by the Bill Committee, so too is it debated amongst those who are LGBT with many questioning why we need it – wasn't the legal rights provided by civil partnerships enough?

For me I'm on the side of those continuing to push for what I believe to be full equality, un-accepting that what we have currently is equal rights. Equally, I will never accept “that's so gay” as a development of the English language for me to tolerate and will challenge anyone, colleague, family member or friend, gay or straight that thinks otherwise. I will be recommending to my employers they do the same, may be with the help of clarification from LGBT advocate Ash Beckham (excellent video):





I always thought that homophobic and transphobic bullying in schools was at least something we, as an LGBT community were united about. But with some expecting me to 'get over it' when gay derogatory language is used in the workplace as an adult; when gay derogatory language is common place within schools and the root of LGBT bullying, it seems even on this subject we are a community divided.