“... I just don’t need another friend!”
It’s a confusing world when both your friendships and lovers are of the same sex. If the signals are not as clear as red for no and green for go when you meet a girl you fancy, you end up on a perpetual amber light unsure whether it’s safe to make a move. Frustrating when the last thing you want and need is ‘another friend’.
My friend summed it up when we met over coffee. She described how she had recently met a girl and was having a fabulous time with her, detailing their escapades around Brighton.
“My dilemma” she goes on to tell me “is whether she likes me in the same way that I like her. She either does and that’s great, or she doesn’t and we could become really great mates. We get on so well, we have such fun together, we like so many of the same things. My issue though, is that I have lots of great friends, but what I don’t have and what I really want is a girlfriend. How do I find out what she wants?“
We all remember the days of our youth when it was as simple as picking daisy petals off one by one to get your answer, or doing a simple maths sum from the letters in both your names to determine your fortune together. As adults we now deal with the turmoil of should I, shouldn’t I, with endless sleepless nights of tossing and turning and hours of analysis with friends over every detail said.
My gay mate had a different take on the issue when he explained how he liked a particular guy; they'd also been having fabulous time together. "... but he just wants to be friends ‘for the time being’, so I'm ceasing contact altogether. When he's ready he can contact me."
“Eh? I don’t understand, isn’t that a bit drastic?” I asked surprised, thinking the guy already sounded like Mr Perfect. “Isn’t that a good thing – get to know each other first, let it develop from friendship?” I enquired.
“You lesbians are all the same, that’s how it works for you, friendship first and then sex. Us gay men work differently. We have to have sex first, then friendship. Otherwise it never happens because that initial excitement and attraction goes and then there’s no appeal anymore. If I don't cease contact, then we’ll always be friends, and what I don’t need in my life right now is more friends.”
In the absence of daisy's to mutilate, may be this is a lesson us lesbians should take from our 'gay brothers'. Minimise the torture we inflict on ourselves in the pursuit of love and lay your cards on the table from the very beginning and avoid letting a friendship develop on a false pretence. This advice I offered my lesbian mate in the coffee shop.
“Tell her what you want and take the risk. After all, what have you got to lose but your personal pride and a friend you don’t want anyway."
In the absence of daisy's to mutilate, may be this is a lesson us lesbians should take from our 'gay brothers'. Minimise the torture we inflict on ourselves in the pursuit of love and lay your cards on the table from the very beginning and avoid letting a friendship develop on a false pretence. This advice I offered my lesbian mate in the coffee shop.
“Tell her what you want and take the risk. After all, what have you got to lose but your personal pride and a friend you don’t want anyway."
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