Kissing Your Best Friend

Down the pub and over a pint a friend was recounting how after a recent drunken night out with her best-mate they’d ended up snogging.  Laughing about it she goes on to tell me, “but we quickly realised that no, there was nothing there.  It’s OK though”, she goes on in response to my worried expression about her friendship, “we’ve just put it in the past and forgotten about it”. 

It’s not an unfamiliar tale and one that most lesbians have experience of, usually from a night out and with varying outcomes and consequences.  

I’ve kissed my best mate. It was during a messy drunken game of ‘Truth or Dare’ with a bunch of girlz that we knew. Nearly everyone had kissed someone during the game and kissing my best mate was the easier option when it came to my turn.  “Urghhhh” my mate squeals as we lock lips. “It’s like kissing my sister!” 

We put it down to an experience we didn’t need to repeat; just like my friend I was now in the pub with had.  I’ve never known anyone to lose their best mate over a drunken kiss unless it was a straight girl or their kiss led to a drunken something else that’s harder to‘forget’. 

It can also lead to a ‘complicated’ relationship. You are such great mates, you have fun times, you share everything, you have a connection, know each other better than anyone else... it seems logical to get it together, you practically are anyway!

But love has a funny way of changing things. Who we are with our mates is not who we are in relationships. Suddenly there are boundaries that were previously not there as certain behaviours that were acceptable as friends are not acceptable as a couple. It now feels like a nagging relationship as you re-adjust to being together in a new way whilst your best friend may seem like someone who has gone from your life.  

Kissing your best-mate may seem like a good idea when intoxicated, but the outcome could well turn out to be your worst hangover.  

Losing Friendships When THEY Gain Lovers

We were like the three musketeers with a quest that involved misadventure and women, just like in the story. Together we too had duelled, had love interests and affairs, consoled and had to rescue each other from many a messy situation.

We pub crawled, partied, clubbed and discoed together nearly every week, Thurs-gay night, Friday night and often Saturday night too. We made the effort to go to any sporadic women-only events that were on, even if they weren’t to our own taste. 

At times we’d be in side-splitting laughter as we commiserated, more often than not on another diabolical night out, whilst at other times we went home feeling more depressed and frustrated than when the evening began, at a loss to why it felt like we were the only ones out plus a handful of the same few familiar faces propping up the same bars. 

“Susan, promise me that when I get in a relationship, tell me if I turn into one of those lesbians that disappear, forget they have friends, never go out and are inseparable from their partner in the cave. I never want to be like that!”

Where and What is the Lesbian Moral Code with Exes?

I recently discovered that two of my exes are sleeping together. I’d sadly had a crystal ball about it from when I first introduced them to each other and they seemed to get along a ‘bit too well’. With an ex that would rather chat with your girlfriend than you, the inevitable was blatantly obvious the moment my relationship ended.

Posting a status update to friends on Facebook about my distress at this news, it became evident that I was not the only one to have experienced this situation of ex-partners getting it on.

Partners to Best Friends: Being Friends with your Ex-girlfriend

In the lesbian community it is expected that you will remain friends with your ex’s regardless of circumstance or torture it might inflict. Choosing to remain friends after a break-up is something that is distinctive and unique to lesbian relationships. 

Whilst therapists would argue that it’s about ‘trying to keep a connection with that person and not being ready to let go’, there’s no denying that it’s ‘problematic’ for everyone if you no longer get along as avoidance is not an option. The lesbian world is a small one, even in the gayest city in the UK where there’s only one lesbian pub to serve us all. 

Dinner Party Anyone?

I decided to throw a dinner party for my closest lesbian mates. It sounds simple enough with what should be the biggest stress for me being an inability to multi-task and burning the food in the process.
 

But with two degree’s of separation causing enough dyke drama in the lesbian community to make EastEnders look tame by comparison; serving up burnt food was going to be the least of my concerns. Holding a dinner party for a group of lesbians is not a task to be underestimated in the skill it requires of the host to make sure all goes smoothly and everyone leaves happy at the end of the night. 

Amber to Green, Friendship to Lovers

I’ve heard the same thing four times this week from four different mates. They were all talking about the individuals they had recently met, and they all finished their sentence with the same (popular!) phrase.

 “... I just don’t need another friend!”

It’s a confusing world when both your friendships and lovers are of the same sex. If the signals are not as clear as red for no and green for go when you meet a girl you fancy, you end up on a perpetual amber light unsure whether it’s safe to make a move. Frustrating when the last thing you want and need is ‘another friend’. 

Smoking Lesbians: Being a Minority in a Minority

When I typed ‘lesbians smoking’ into Google, I was expecting to get a load of websites detailing research and studies undertaken on our health and well-being with a plethora of stats. It’s disturbingly (though may be not surprisingly) lacking. In fact when it comes to lesbian health, we are pretty much ignored with more focus on gay men’s needs whose sexual and social activities are deemed ‘higher-risk’ than our own. 

Instead the first page of search results Google provided (disturbingly but not unsurprisingly) contained eight porn sites. It seems that to many, ‘lesbians and smoking’ is the perfect hot and sexy combination.  

The new lesbian Uniform

At the weekend, I headed off to Manchester Pride with some mates of mine. A group of girlz eager to sample the delights of the north. I packed just about my entire wardrobe for the occasion, to cover all eventualities and weather that might present itself.  I’m wearing my usual attire: Levi jeans, adidas trainers, Lazy lady belt and Roxy hoodie.

At the allocated rendezvous meeting point for us all to get the coach together, K shows up in her black Superdry jacket. She is equally dressed in casual brand wear. I tell K that I have packed and intend to wear the same Superdry jacket, only mine is white. Her response makes me think.

A Reputation Not Always Earned

I recently acquired a new friend...No; I don’t mean a hand held device which powers by batteries! (You’ve such a dirty mind!) She’d recently split from her partner and like most lesbians when they’ve been in a serious relationship, had been in a cave out of contact with others for most of it. Her gaydar would have struggled to follow the pheromones to the ‘gay village’ even in a city such as Brighton where lesbians are two for a penny. So I offered to initiate her with the local dyke bar and introduce her to the girls I knew. 

I pre-warned her though, ‘Just so you know, everyone will assume you’re my new girlfriend, just because we’re arriving together’.  

Over the threshold and as expected when my new friend disappears to the toilet, mates use the opportunity to get the gossip on the new girl in my life. I tell them we’re just friends, I know her through work,

‘Uh huh, they say, yeah right!’

Another time, another friend (this time someone I’ve known for years) who offers to come with me on a BLAGSS walk. I was nursing a broken heart from a recent split, so she offered to make us a nice picnic. There was no champagne or strawberries dipped in chocolate in a super deluxe no expense spared picnic set. Neither of us looked particularly sexy either in our mud covered boots and layers of old clothing. Lets be honest, if anyone wants to ‘woo’ me, I think they’d know that taking me on a date that involves a seven mile hike is not going to be effective – picnic or not! 

Lunchtime arrives and I’m handed sandwiches by my friend watched by four pairs of eyes. No one says anything but the sound of four lesbian brains going into overdrive is louder than the chirping birds in the nearby tree.  I knew it was only a matter of time before their brains hit meltdown and one of them would ask the inevitable (and for me, cringe-worthy) question on all their lips,

'So, are you two, like together now?’

‘No!’ We say in unison.  

Then walking around town this weekend with my ex, we bump into people we know.  We stop and chat and they enquire how we are. I know they’ll ask my best friend later about whether we’re back together. She rings and confirms the next day,

‘I put them straight’ she tells me. 

“I’m getting a reputation here!” I confide in her. “I’ve been paired up with nearly all the single lesbians I know! When I do meet a girl, she’ll hear I’ve slept with half of Brighton!”

“You have*” my friend retorts, “Just not the one’s people think!”

(*I just want to add here in defence at my best friend's retort that not only have I been unlucky in love, but a large number of people in Brighton have been here a mere few years, compared to my 13 visiting the same dyke bar, and therefore do not have the 'public history' that I do - of course writing a public blog about my life doesn't help the rep either!)

Don't mess with Her! Extreme Loyalty In Lesbian Circles

I’ve been ‘getting to know better’ a certain female individual. As a result she invites me to a house party of lesbians she knows. Always eager to meet some new faces I agree to go.

“They’ll think I’m your girlfriend” I point out.

“It’s OK” she tells me. “I’ll just correct them and say were just having some ‘fun times together”.

We arrive and the party’s in full swing with about 25 lesbians chatting, smoking and drinking, spread throughout the lower ground floor of the house and garden. It’s clear immediately that everyone has been acquainted for years and has long histories together. I’m feeling relieved to be at a party where I don’t know anyone (though a couple of the faces are familiar) and where my ‘lesbian chart’ is not public knowledge.  

Following polite introductions and a drink handed to each of us, my 'fun time' companion is whisked off, I presume for the latest gossip on who I am.  No I’m not being big headed; it’s just what girls do! 

I relax as the alcohol kicks in and chat to those I’m left in the kitchen with. I could begin to unearth some of the connections,  as I’d put money on being ‘linked’ to someone here, but am enjoying the two way anonymity beyond people’s names that’s not normally afforded to lesbians. I discover some work connections, and happily leave it at that. 

With latest updates on gossip secured, my ‘fun time’ companion returns along with fellow mates and the party continues long into the night, The alcohol free flowing, I get the opportunity to chat and dance with the friends who are all very welcoming and friendly. 

But underneath the joviality I detect a subtle undertone when my ‘fun time’ companion disappears out of ear shot. They get in close to speak to me above the noise of the music, and in emphasized words tell me,

“She is a great girl. We all love our ...”

I’m left uncertain whether they’re genuinely praising my ‘fun time’ companion for my benefit, or akin to the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the brothers of the bride tell the groom that, if he ever screws up, he should expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions involving guns, ‘accidents’ and kidney extraction. 

We lock eyes and clink beer bottles in mutual acknowledgement that yes, she is a great girl, and (not wanting to take the risk on the latter) that should I do anything not considered acceptable, I will end up with the same fate as the groom in MBFGW. 

As we leave, they bid us both farewells. With a goodbye hug they turn to me,

“We’ll see you at the next party Susan” 

I heed the unspoken words .

A Girl's Prerogative

I've been around the block a few times as an out and proud lesbian for 18 years. I'm certainly not the naive baby dyke just come out and discovering all the complexities that are par the course when dating women. So I think I'm a pretty accurate judge at knowing when a woman fancies me and is flirting, when her body language tells me we share the same sizzling thoughts and desire to get to know each other more.

This was the case last week when I rocked up at the lesbian local to be warmly greeted with a big smile on the woman I'd already shared a coffee with in the week. Friends abandoned, we drew up chairs at the bar and immediately got chatting. The rest of the world dissolved away.

What seemed like minutes, ended up a few hours and the night is coming to a close. She gives me a long kiss on the lips before saying her farewell and heads for the door. A text arrives minutes later,

'was gr8 seeing u 2nite, c u in the wk yeah?x'

I go home to have excited and pleasant dreams of what might be to come when I next see her.

Like a cold shower, a text the next day reminds me that a girl's prerogative is to change her mind and that women truly are complicated beings from planet Venus. Even as a girl who does girls I cannot always understand their ways and pity the men of this world who must be even more at a loss.

'I shouldn't have kissed u last nite. I just wanted a friend and that was my intention from the start. Sorry if i gave u the wrong impression.'

My disappointment and confusion leave me seeking out friends for support and advice on the matter. We're all perplexed.

With the lesbian world seemingly as small as a pebble in the Grand Canyon of life, I can only wonder if the two degree's of separation that as a lesbian you are constantly at the mercy of, means she's heard something. For one thing, lesbians like to interfere and ALWAYS have an opinion to share, whether it be first hand experience, rumour or rooted in their strong sense of loyalty to someone, about the girl you're interested in.

Like a horse bolting from the stables, as quick as she had arrived in my life, she was gone from it. I've tried to contact her but to no avail and have since conceded before I get a reputation as a psycho stalker.

A mate offers me her words of wisdom to console me, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" When it comes to a girl's prerogative for changing her mind, I think she might just be right.

Relationship On The First Date

Normally, when two people like each other they'll date for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. If all continues well those two people decide to commit to each other and it becomes a relationship, if that's what both want. That's how it seems to work anyway, in the straight world.

Lesbians on the other hand, seem uninterested in the dating part. They meet someone, connect, shag and are immediately into a relationship. It's only a matter of days if not hours before marriage, babies and nest building are discussed followed by the removal van as they move in together with the excuse of, 'why pay two rents when I'm practically here all the time anyway!' There's truth in the classic joke 'what does a lesbian bring on the second date?' (A: a removal van!). I could even attempt to create my own lesbian joke here: 'What do lesbians do on a first date?' (A: Nothing because they're already in a relationship!)

The love of their life last week that had them in the depths of despair and requiring 24 hour care from their friends has been all forgotten, as they embark on a a new fairy tale future of happy ever after.

Put single gay girls together in a room and it will only take the evening before they're coupled up. So it was only natural that at my house party of gay girls, my two single mates found a kindred spirit in one another. That was on the Saturday night. Six days later I receive a text,

'Have been kidnapped. R u ok? Love frm us xx'

It wasn't the kidnapping part that had me reaching for the sick bucket but the sentiment at the end like they no longer saw themselves as individuals, my two friends now an 'us' doing everything together and inseparable.

Later that evening they pop over to see me. They're clearly besotted and all loved up following happy days spent together. They cuddle up on the sofa as if superglued with an inability to keep hands and lips apart. I'm happy they're happy but find it rude and uncomfortable. I have never understood why lesbians suffer 'lesbian bed death' when at home whilst isolate themselves in front of friends and in public by being all over each other that you want to yell 'get a room will you!'

It's as if there's a subconscious need to prove something to those around them about their relationship and love for each other. They want you to feel included in their newly discovered happiness but instead you now feel like their 'third-wheel' when just a few days ago you were their equal. My mood is more akin to that of Ebenezer Scrooge with his despise of Christmas.

The other thing that happens is they now feel the need to baby-sit you as their 'sad and lonely' single mate. Another text arrives,

'Morning, we're going to have a fun day together all three of us :)'

As if that's not bad enough, they also now think they are in a position to analyse why you're not in the same wonderful circumstance as them. They try and deconstruct why you don't want a relationship, the damage caused by your ex(es), what your casual flings are not giving you and why you engage in one night stands. Fundamentally, why you don't want what they now have like it's incomprehensible and there is something wrong with you, when seven days ago they were in the same position!

I'm happy to take things slow, one date at a time, let the fuse burn slow rather than have a typical 'slash-and-burn' relationship that lesbians so commonly seem to engage in and where friends feel forgotten.

Relationships are not something you feel like celebrating in the lesbian world. When your mates hook up you lose friends to not see them again for potentially years when it's all over. They change as they lose their individuality and always come as a pair. The fun times you had are gone as marital bliss dominates initially followed by routine that dictates in the latter times.

In the beginning you make an effort to see them and keep contact, but then you just accept that they are in a different space now, and seek out new single mates and so the cycle continues.

Let Us Not Be Complacent & Invisible

As anyone who knows me knows, the two things that really get me ranting to anyone that will listen is ‘apathy’ and ‘subtle homo/trans/bi-phobia’ in society. I have spoken in previous posts about how both are dangerous. My friends will happily tell me I’m being OTT, shrug their shoulders and tell me to lighten up when I get on my soap box about how we in Brighton & Hove are wrong to be so complacent just because there’s greater acceptance of LGBT in our city ‘bubble’ here.

The 17^th May was International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia (IDAHOBIT).  Here in Brighton an event was organised and a small group of people showed up to mark this annual day of awareness. If estimated statistics are correct, the 20,000 LGBT residents of Brighton & Hove that day were predominantly invisible.  Apathy was prevailing and our city bubble mentality preventing many from feeling the need to make any noise.

It was therefore quite fitting and coincidental that the speakers at the Brighton IDAHOBIT event all spoke about ‘invisibleness’.

Camel Gupta from Brighton Bothways & Queers of Colour Brighton, spoke about how, “Biphobia is often the thing that happens in these communities that gets ignored. (I’ve started a new group for) people of colour who are LGBT and queer and in three months our membership is in double figures.  It’s important to include the things that get missed”.

Nick Douglas, Founder of F2M Brighton and LGBT Health Involvement Project (HIP) Coordinator, spoke about “What we know about discrimination and hated against LGBT people is that it is often rooted in invisibility. When it comes to standing up against discrimination against LGBT people we as trans men are not invisible and we are not silent. The T in LGBT is not silent”.

Sheila McWattie of the Brighton Women’s Centre spoke about how, “We’ve been very involved in...  just making some noise and getting out there and making ourselves visible. So the message I’d like to give to you is if you’re part of a group or want to start a group, there’s plenty of scope... for you starting something new, joining forces and bringing a new face to what is an old ancient problem that shouldn’t be there anymore”.

Jan Baxter from Public & Commercial Services Union (PCS), said about how “As we become more confident in ourselves with equality laws in place... it’s important that as LGBT people we don’t pull the drawbridge up behind us... I don’t want us to ever do the worst thing possible; we face a lot of threats from stupid people. The important thing is that we are our own biggest enemy because complacency is the thing that threatens us not the threat without”.

Last year from April 2010 to March 2011, there were 69 LGBT hate crimes within Brighton & Hove and 3 LGBT hate incidents including that of my friend who was beaten up on Steine Street (by the Aquarium Bar) off St James Street in Brighton's gay village, in broad daylight for being gay.

Beaten up for being gay in Brighton

LGBT Hate Crime exists in Brighton & Hove

Let ‘us’ not be our biggest enemy. 72 LGBT hate crimes and incidents within our ‘Brighton bubble’ in one year is reason enough to for us to not become invisible through complacency, a shrug of our shoulders and a misguided belief that ‘it doesn’t effect me’. 

I will certainly continue to voice against ‘apathy’ and ‘subtle homo/trans/bi-phobia’ in society that is here in Brighton & Hove as well as nationally, and dangerous. I just hope that you will be listening.

The Appeal of the Internet When Lesbian Dating

A friend of mine wants to organise a blind date for me with a girl who’s a friend of a friend. "How do I know I won’t know her?" I ask, panicked that should I agree I’ll turn up to discover it’ll be someone I recognise as a regular from the local dyke bar and embarrass myself.

Go out regularly and whilst The Scene is large enough that you haven’t introduced yourself to everyone, it’s still small enough to see the same familiar faces again and again. As a result you’ve already pigeon holed those faces into groups: those you’re friends with, past friends (often who abandoned you during your split with your now ex), past girlfriends, acquaintances and those you’re just not interested in either way. 

When you do see someone new, chances are she’s either from out of town, recently divorced or decided to come out of whatever cave lesbians seem to reside in for 11 months of a year for her annual pilgrimage onto The Scene – and probably to meet up with an internet date! 

It wasn’t that long ago that I decided to give internet dating a go. I’d never been that bothered but then I hit that suffocating wall when it feels like every lesbian about town knows your case history of who you’ve fucked and when. Feeling the need for a change of scene from the physical one I finally decided to set up a profile as ‘candy-eyes’. 

There’s no denying that technology has made life much easier for us lesbians. Either because it’s saved some from being in the sexual desert if you’re the type for whom your natural disposition is to stay at home with the cats and latest episode of ‘EastEnders’. Or like me, you’ve been unlucky in love and desperate for some fresh meat not normally found in your usual haunts and already ‘friends’ with everyone you know including your ex’s. 

But I digress. I’m given the name of my blind date (organised by my straight friends I might add!) to reassure me, because I’m flatly refusing to meet her otherwise. I breathe a sigh of relief as not only do I not recognise the name, but after asking around neither do others; a good sign, uncomplicated. It’s refreshing to be able to meet with a girl that's not yet part of your L-Word chart and away from prying eyes. 

Of course I look my ‘blind date’ up online – I refrain from googling her like a stalker but do find her on Facebook. First impression is she’s not really my type, but there’s something about her that make’s me interested enough to go through with this, expand my horizon! I invite her to be my ‘friend’ so I can peruse her profile and maybe have an IM chat first. 

I rather like this; happily joining the ranks of all those stay at home lesbians bored and fatigued by the complicated lesbian networks that operate on The Scene which have to be navigated and negotiated through. Yes, there is indeed a certain appeal to just opening my browser to the plathora of woman I wouldn't have contact with otherwise. 

But when ‘brazenness’ is practically my middle name, I admit, I still prefer face to face contact when out on the pull. Now what I need is for a lesbian Grindr to be launched!

On the Pull at the GoGo Women’s Festival

I’ve just about recovered from an amazing weekend at the GoGo Women’s Festival in Kent. I went with five single lesbian mates and we all had only two things on our mind, listening to great music and popping cherries to our own passion fuelled beats. It didn’t disappoint.

The heavens poured like we were in the tropics but there’s something quite irresistible about 2000 women getting wet and dirty in a mud fest. The live stage had enough talented eye-candy on it that our pants weren’t just wet from the rain running down our torsos. Whilst the dance floor at night had all the girls getting up close and personal in rhythm to the pumping tunes being spun by the hot DJs.

Like most festivals, we were all sleep deprived with breakfast a combination of energy drinks and a ‘hair of the dog’. With sun glasses a necessity, mornings were spent re-grouping, watching the girlz go by and discussing the two things we had come to enjoy. It was at these times we exchanged advice and tips on all things that would help us get laid, from chat up lines to who we wanted. I was probably the most brazen of the bunch and so here that follows were my tips I imparted on ‘getting pulled’ for the shy girls who wanted some one on one fun, but were too scared to ask!

1. Approaching a group of girls is intimidating for even the most confident of girlz, so if you want to get chatted up always stand at the edge of the group, not in the middle however popular you want to look! 
2. Give out clear signals that you are single and on the pull to those who may be looking. Do this by not being over affectionate with your mates – there’s nothing worse than someone having to spend hours trying to figure out if you’re with someone and running the risk of a punch up with the girlfriend if they get it wrong!
3. On the same note as the above, constantly scan the room/area, look as if you’re eyeing up girls and make eye-contact with those across the room. You won’t pull if you are engrossed in your mates and their conversation at all times! 
4. Look approachable. Keep your body language open and very slightly turned away from your mates so you are engaged with them still but are also inviting strangers up for a chat.  
5. If a girl is looking at you and you want her to approach, make eye-contact and remember to smile – this is a green light signal! If you don’t want her to approach turn your body fully away from the girl in question and fully towards your mates and don’t smile – this is a red light!
6. We all have our ‘ideal Ms Right I want to marry’ type.  Unless you want to be in the sexual desert for years whilst waiting for your Ms Perfect fit to come along, leave your shopping list of ‘marriageable’ criteria at home. You never know - you might even expand your horizon!
7. If a girl has made the courage to approach you, don’t then let your ego get the better of your manners. She’s done the hardest part, so make the conversation that follows as easy and as straightforward as possible. Make it clear if you’re interested. Compliment her on something – her shoes, clothes, tattoos, hair. If you want to fuck her then just say it and invite her back – trust me she’ll thank you for it! oh and don’t start giving her your life story!
8. When getting chatted up DO NOT mention her eyes – it’s cheesy and corny and she’ll take it as a piss-take and don’t mention the size of her tits!
9. Very subtly look for an opportunity to touch her lightly on the outside of the upper arm. Psychologically it says 'i'm sexually interested' and will help bring her and the conversation closer.
10. Just say 'YES' to everything! You never know what nice surprises you will experience being out of your comfort zone!

Do you have any other tips that you would share out to your friends?

Make Me Feel Like I’m The Only Girl

There’s a word I’m increasingly growing to hate as I hear it used time and again by the girls I’ve liked, loved and shagged. It was a firm favourite in the vocabulary of my ex girlfriend and once again I find myself a recipient of it from the girl who’s just vacated my bed this morning.

As she opens the door to leave she turns to me and says, “I’ll see you later”.

“Come back tonight” I request, after all ‘later’ leaves it as wide open as my front door at this precise moment and I want to see her again.

“May be?”, she replies with a cheeky smile and an aloof shrug of the shoulders, “or may be tomorrow?!” 

I’m disappointed and unimpressed because I know I won’t see her tonight and I know she doesn’t mean tomorrow. Having experienced 'later' often, I've learned that ‘later’ means anything but. It usually implies a strategy of ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’, a game plan that you are part of to boost their ego, keep you wanting more, keep you ‘on your toes’ and to keep their own options open.

To me, ‘later’ means this evening but is used by so many other girls to mean ‘at some point in the future as and when it suits me'. The reality of this being the end of the week, next week, next month, whenever we happen to bump into each other, whenever I’ve not got better things to do, whenever I’ve not got a better offer or even just when I think I’ve kept you hanging long enough that you’ll be begging me to see you when I next contact you.

I don’t like being part of a game plan. I would rather she had said nothing and walked out, than allude to wanting to see me again on her terms when she wants it. I could play this game too – act indifferent – wait for her to lose her patience by pretending I don’t care if I never see her again, but why should I not show my emotions and invite her back? Why does this suddenly make me needy and therefore something to be played with like a cat with a mouse?

I’ve been here before and got the t-shirt, again and again and again, but not this time. I don’t want to play this game of allowing you to feel like you’re in control of ‘me’ and ‘us’ and me feeling the pawn piece. If you want me, show it.

The chorus of Rihanna's song 'Only Girl (In The World)' plays in my head as my front door closes, 'I want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world'. 

Your Lesbian Identity

I walk into the dyke bar to meet a friend. Sat at the bar are others I know – my ex (of course!), friends from the friendship circle I was once part of and a few additions to the group.  I go up to say hello, better to get it over and done with so I can enjoy the rest of my night as far away as possible. 

Within minutes, I’m asked by the girl I barely know from the group, befriended by my ex since we parted a number of years back,

“So you still with...?”

I feel off guard with the brazenness and my head races with paranoia wondering why she wants to know. My ex’s have a habit of befriending each other when they’re no longer with me. Does anyone else suffer from this situation I’d like to know? Or is it something about the type of girl I like that takes pleasure in bonding with others I have loved and lost? 

Being quick with wit was never my strong point, and I'd preferred to have been rendered speechless, but instead honesty escapes my lips ‘no, we are no longer together’. 

This is quickly followed by another question from the same girl, who looks over my shoulder at those I have come to meet,

“So are you seeing anyone else then?”

My blood boils, but with my brain still busy processing my paranoia, it’s too occupied to react to my growing temper. I walk away, angry that someone who’s practically a stranger has the audacity to ask such questions of me and angry at myself for responding.  

Whilst the bubbles in my blood calm down, I try and remember that this is the local dyke bar, where everyone knows everyone’s business, where gossip is exchanged and where just like Biblical times, a person’s identity and position is explained according to who they are connected with.  

Only that afternoon I had been at a BBQ with a group of girls I didn’t know. Through introductions, it transpired we were all connected in some way either through work and colleagues or shared friendships of those not present.  Conversations often involved putting the person of conversation into context,

“You know Zoe, who’s now dating Theresa, who was previously with Sarah, they met that night of the party at Rachel’s. Rachel the girl who was living with Joe at the time in a house-share with Paula who was previously with Zoe, many years back before...’ 

And so on.  May be I should not have felt offended, paranoid even at what I considered personal questions by a relative stranger in the pub. This is how lesbians bond and friendship is offered after all - by putting you ‘into context’ first, establishing your 'connections’.  If you want friendship, expect your life to be anything but private, this I should know.

Which Lesbian Relationship Type Are You?

In ‘The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette’ I detailed how lesbians ‘are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls’.

And so it is that as I morn the loss of my last relationship and analyse what went wrong, I’ve begun to observe the girls around me and the relationships that are going on. I’ve discovered that there are nine distinct ‘types’ of relationship that lesbians engage in.

1.      Steady-eddies
These first types have been with their partner for years and all is well. They remain committed to each other, loyal, faithful and loving. In truth I can only think of a handful and I don’t know any lesbian relationship that’s lasted beyond 12 years. In fact four, eight and 12 years seem to be the points at which our relationships fail. They don’t go out much preferring the company of each other – mmmm, may be that’s why eventually they fail?!

2.      Hop-Scotch
These second types are those who cannot be single. They jump from relationship to relationship without a breath in between. Their relationships are intense and quick to crash and burn.

3.      The Dater
These third types are those girls who date girl after girl. Sometimes they are seeking a relationship, some want anything but a relationship. They’ve likely worked their way through all GaydarGirl profiles in their area and may be the person you are warned to avoid getting lured in by at the dyke bar. You may get to enjoy the company of this girl for a few hours, at least for the time it takes her to assess whether she wants to take you home for the night. If you’re interesting enough and sexy enough you will get to enjoy a night of passion, and if you’re well connected or useful you’ll get a couple of weeks of her company. Ultimately though, when she gets bored or you’re no longer considered useful, you’ll get thrown away like a discarded wrapper.

4.      The Third Wheel
They don’t do relationships and thus, to avoid the danger of ending up in one they only hang out with couples who are securely and happily together. You’ll never get these girls alone long enough for your pheromones to have an impact or to elicit any emotion from them.

5.      Unobtainable Flirt
With an ego big enough to fill the room, they love attention and for girls to be wooing over them. They will do all they can to get you smitten, but be careful, because the moment you announce your desire, it’s game over, not that it was a game where you were ever going to win her heart. Don’t ever be fooled by this type – this is a game of poker where she is the expert player and has no intention of ‘folding’.  As soon as you have shown your hand, she’s moved onto the next girl and the next game.

6.      Office Hussy
This type seem to struggle to find a girl they like on the scene or in their social circles, but in the meantime are working their way through the entire office complex! Maybe they’re the ‘only gay in the village’ and it’s a prime opportunity for all those married girls to have some girl on girl action where the husbands won’t notice. Either way, the Office Hussy has the knack of extracting even a hint of lesbianism from their female co-workers to enjoy lots of fun and frolics, if not also a lot of headaches and some sticky situations.

7.      Desert Rose
This type does not date and do not do relationships either. They are the reliable single girls always there everytime your relationship ends and you're wanting to get out on the scene again. They’ve been painfully hurt in the past, are too work/career driven or been in the sexual desert so long their bodies have shut down. They are happy on their own with their friends and organised life. If you want to get in with this type be prepared for years of persistence and to organise your schedule to mirror theirs. 

8.      The Clinger
Despite attempts in clearest terms, these girls do not take no for an answer. They insist on being your constant shadow, will appear wherever you are despite your most extreme attempts to elude them. They are desperate for a relationship (with you) and truely believe that if they hang around long enough, eventually you’ll either a)get to know them more and fall in love or b)get so fed up of their persistence, that you’ll cave in and they’ll get what they want. They likely stalk your every move on Facebook and will only disappear heartbroken when you begin a relationship with someone else.

9.      Dead Relationship
For whatever reason, neither of you is willing ‘to end’ the relationship so it stays in a perpetual penultimate state. Love and intimacy have gone and your more like best friends. This may go on for many years, often until one of them meets another.  The other dead relationship is when it’s ended, but because of financial convenience they remain living together, deluded that they’ll part when they can afford too.

So there we have it. Nine lesbian relationships you may find yourself in or affected by when on the chase. Have I missed some? You tell me. 

The Lesbian Checklist

May has definitely been the month for friend’s birthdays. Friend number 1 was invited to go shopping for some new clothes for her celebration party and I tagged along to help her choose something. As we perused the isles, friend number 1 gravitated continuously towards the blacks and greys of her usual attire. It made me think back to when my wardrobe hung the full spectrum of blue, until I decided that enough was enough and banned myself from buying anything more of my favourite colour.

“These red shirts are nice” I tell her, “check is very in at the mo and the colour goes well with your blond hair” I reassure her. She agrees. “I feel like a proper lezza now I’ve got a check shirt” she tells me with a smile.

Out and about in the local dyke bar and I bump into friend number 2. “How’s you, how was your birthday?” I enquire. She points out her new blue check shirt.  “A gift from my gay mate, he didn’t want me feeling like I didn’t fulfil the prerequisite for a lesbian” she laughs.

It made me think about a lesbian checklist and what else might be on it. A few weeks back with the unusually hot sunny weather that bathed Britain, I was on Brighton beach with some mates for a BBQ. I was asked to get the barbie going. “I don’t know how?” I informed them, “I’ve never had to do it before, someone else always does it.” I had a number of eyes stare back at me in utter disbelief. I remember feeling inadequate in that moment and that if I was straight, no-one would have thought anything of it.

It made me remember an online test by Channel 4 called the ‘Gay-O-Meter’ which declared me only 36% gay. It mocked my result by asking ‘How does a straight acting girl ever manage to get a date? Any more girlie and you’d have to be straight! I put my ‘gayness’ failure down to my lack of DIY skills, never having shaved my head and being really bad at pool!

At least I reassure myself, I can put it all down to being a femme, after all, we can’t all be butches can we?! At a pride event with some mates, there’s another test for me to prove my lesbian status – this time as a femme. You have to squeeze this instrument and it gives a reading. What did I come out as.....yes I failed even that falling into the ‘oh dear’ category!

It seems that when it comes to a lesbian checklist I’m doing rather badly. An irony when I'm considered one of the gayest girls in Brighton for the work I do within the LGBT community here. I was once even turned down by a girl because my life was 'too gay'!

Whilst out shopping for all the necessary May birthday cards I needed, I get distracted by the array of jokes, feel good slogans and pretty pictures and more specifically, a card detailing a ‘Birthday Gayness Test’ involving a pink cat.

Results declared that according to my choice I was ‘super-gay’! Phew! Relief washes over me. I ponder whether, as a lesbian the result was because I liked cats or simply because it was pink – or were they covering all bases within the word ‘gayness’by using a pink cat?!

Hey, what does it matter, the main thing was that I passed - I feel redeemed again!

Protecting the Shoot

It’s just as well that us lesbians are always breaking up and making up; often with the girl that others disapprove of, as it provides plenty of gossip fodder for us to graze on, which we love. But when you first start getting close to someone it’s a challenge to not let your friends, however well meaning, destroy whatever’s blossoming for you.

You both might have pheromones coming out of you at a rate that could be bottled and sold, but before you’ve even had the chance to tell your wannabe girlfriend you fancy her, friends have intervened.

Lesbians love seeing everyone paired up and the more it’s a Walt Disney style story of romance they can repeat for ever after, the happier they are. In their excitement at seeing you swoon they are eager to help you both speed up the process to Holy Matrimony.  When you nip off to the loo, they will happily tell your wannabe girlfriend how much you have the hot’s for her, how great it is that the ‘two of us’ are getting it on and what a lovely couple we make. You return to a crimson faced individual, awkward silence and attention diverted to the exit door as you both now wonder how to react to the knowledge that’s been shared but not previously voiced between you.

If it’s a friend you’ve been spending lots of time with everyone automatically assumes you’re now fucking, with friends questioning you about whether it is such a good idea. Locking lips and bedroom activity may be what’s on both your minds, but suddenly you’ve found yourself by default in a phantom relationship together that everyone is trying to justify, except may be your ex who’s exploding over it like a landmine that’s been tripped.

If it’s not someone you’ve previously known you can guarantee that there are plenty of others around you who do. The curtain twitchers at the local dyke bar and gossips at the ‘smoker’s corner’ will provide you with their penny’s worth of advice and history about the girl in question.  Who needs Google or Facebook to do your research; the local dyke bar is a library of information with all the girls in your area fully catalogued down to bra size!

I remember when one of my friends met and fell in love with a woman she’s now betrothed too.  It caused huge upset at the time, not because they disapproved, but rather because she kept the girl well away from everyone for the first 12 months of their relationship. Her social circle took it as rejection that they were not good enough mates to be introduced and meet this woman that meant so much to their friend.

I understood completely why she did it. To protect any relationship so it flowers as and when it is ready too, the right thing to do is exactly that – keep your girl away from prying eyes and interfering friends, however well meaning or intentioned.  In the excitement from those around you, it’s easy to feel the relationship is dictated to you where instead of going with the natural flow you get lost in the speed that your friends think is appropriate and correct, but which puts intense pressure to move faster than what you want or are ready for.

Your partner and relationship (loosely used) both need to be protected from the scrutiny under which they are put, so that you can continue to discover and learn about each other first, with strong roots for when you make your public appearance as a couple.

Like A Pack of Wolves

A recent ex of mine asked if anyone was after me now that we had split up. I tried to change the subject without effect. “Is it someone I know?” she proceeded to probe.

I refused to enter into conversation on the matter, knowing this was a path that was not going to maintain harmony and amicability between us should I divulge any truth.  My silence and attempts to deflect away from the subject confirmed her suspicions, “Lesbians, they’re like a pack of wolves. I knew the moment we’d split up you’d have offers!”

Personally, I was taking the shows of interest as a compliment, more to do with my winning personality than the animalistic tendencies my ex eludes to in the lesbian population of Brighton. But I understood what she meant.

Maybe it depends on the circle of girls you know but it seems inevitable to me that girls who love and lust girls, that live and socialise in the same city on the same scene are going to end up hooking up and breaking up.  It’s well documented and known that lesbian circles are incestuous. Draw a ‘family’ tree of a group of gay girls like Alice’s L-Word chart and it clearly shows this reputation is not a myth and well earned. 

Shagging your mate – isn’t that how it works in lesbians circles?! If not your mate, then your mates ex or best friend, or your girlfriends ex, or the woman your ex had an affair with?!  I just have to think back over my own past and my girlfriends were friends, or friends of friends or from the same social circle. Even when it’s a girl you don’t know, befriend her on Facebook and it turns out that 20 of your mates already do! 

Occasionally it’s completely unexpected, it’s someone that now your single you’ve got to spend more time with and gotten closer too.  More often though you can guarantee that beneath all the joviality of friendship are smouldering passions just waiting for the opportune moment.  As friends you’ve had a spark for years and at some point alcohol takes the worries away of crossing that boundary from friendship to lovers, even if just for curiosity sake.  

I once started to put an L-Word chart together but just as digging out your family tree can unearth the family secrets so too can compiling one of these. Within a short while I abandoned the ‘tree’ as it became apparent very quickly that, ‘some things should not be written down for others to find’.  It was simply too explosive, a risk I wasn’t happy to take for what was too me a bit of fun interest. 

It is one of the less appealing aspects to being a lesbian and a challenge for any of us to deal with. For just as my ex automatically assumed that any interest I was getting would be from someone she knew, one thing is for sure, it’s no wonder that lesbians always come in pairs for their next love interest is never far away.

Going With Something Different

Last night on iplayer I watched ‘Atlantis’ that tells the story of the lost Minoan civilisation. Previously considered a myth created by Plato’s imagination, it is now believed that Atlantis was in fact based on true events on the island of Thera (now Santorini).

On my arm I adorn a tattoo of the ‘labrys’, a double headed axe, the holiest of religious symbols from this civilisation and used by Minoan priestesses for ceremonial uses and sacrifices to the Gods.

Most interpretations have identified the meaning of the double blade as associated with ‘mother earth’, some as a butterfly rather than an axe, others as the symbol of the moon with the two curved edges indicating the waxing and waning phases on either side of a full moon.  As a modern symbol it is used to represent lesbian and feminist strength, empowerment, self-sufficiency and independence.

Having been down on love over the last few years with incompatible and challenging choices of girlfriends, my friends fed up with picking up the pieces of my broken heart and nursing me back to my former self, want to take matters out of my hands and choose the right girl for me before I embark on another painful disaster romance. 

In fact they’ve already chosen the girl. She’s stable, hard-working, kind and considerate – all the wonderful qualities any sane lesbian should be clambering over themselves to hook up with. “She’s ideal for you” they tell me. “She’ll treat you right”.  I’m unconvinced, not with doubts about the character analysis of the girl in question, but as my boss so simply summed up, “You’ll be bored!”

It seems that subconsciously I desire a challenge and therefore attracted to those who are not altogether good girls. My boss says it’s a result of my hard upbringing with a childhood that needed ‘a warrior attitude’ to overcome, survive and succeed, that my ‘labrys’ tattoo and choice of girlfriends is a representation of this.  

The challenge in adulthood I am now discovering is knowing when you are reacting to default programming, that the ‘warrior’ can stop fighting and lay down her weapons. Hence why the prospect of someone capable of loving me completely and unconditionally and treating me right, leaves me feeling like a fish out of water. 

May be it is indeed time for me to learn from the Minoans for whom the double headed axe was a spiritual symbol that was about creating harmony with the Gods not a weapon to fight with, as mine may well represent. May be I should trust in my friends who know me better than myself at times and let them take charge. They seem to know what I need better than I do and with time, I can become the warrior only too happy to put away her weapons.

Don't Ignore 'The Crack'

You’d think that as you get older with maturity your relationships would get easier and you’d be attracted to those you’re more suitable too that are in the same ‘space’ as you, having learned more about yourself, grown wiser and gained a few painful experiences in life.

Contrary to this theory mine are doing the opposite.  My relationships seem more challenging, are getting shorter in length and the ending of them increasingly a drawn out process that probably consumes 75% of the length of time spent together. 

I used to wonder why lesbians stay together long past their relationship sale by date? Now I have come to realise that it is simply easier to live in a dead relationship where love and intimacy have gone, but at least you’re not rowing over who gets the cat in the divorce. 

In my 20s I was able to end my relationships just with the decision that ‘we no longer work’. A swift farewell and I never looked back. A decade older and endings exist in a constant penultimate state going on for months, occasionally years with lots of forgiveness, excuses, tears and counselling.  

You’d think it would be the other way around when in your teens or 20's time seems infinite and you’re less experienced, whilst once over 30, you realise that time is in fact finite, you’ve gained wisdom on matters of the heart plus you are getting older which means greyer, saggier, ultimately uglier and for some lesbians a concern their biological clock is ticking. 

Years ago I went to my first ever psychic, a little old lady in her 80s who lived above a shop. She looked like my Nan with the same taste in decorative crockery everywhere. She asked for an item she could hold and I gave her my silver neck chain I never took off.   

Amongst other things, she told me my relationship would end describing a crack in the wall that cannot be repaired. I had been with my girlfriend about two years and felt everything was fine. I came away upset, five quid lighter, and resolved that I was in control of my own life. What did she know anyway?! 

Over the course of the next two years the crack became visibly noticeable.  At first I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to hide it. Then I tried fixing it with my own DIY skills. Then I tried a professional who tells us after investigation ‘this cannot be saved’.  Still you hold on despite the ‘hole’ now as big and as scary as the ‘crack in the wall’ of Amy Ponds bedroom in Doctor Who. You’re scared for it has the same power to ‘consume people, erasing them from history’ (Series 5, episode 1). 

Eventually the crack has weakened the whole structure, everything collapses like a stack of playing cards and you’re left surrounded by rubble, the girlfriend gone to be eventually ‘consumed ‘and you wondering why you left it so long, why you didn’t sell up years ago when the crack first appeared and wasting all that pointless energy.  

I have been back to psychics since on the proviso that they don’t mention my relationship unless I’m single. That little old lady was spot on with her forecast and voiced before I was ready what I already knew but couldn't yet face up too. Her analogy represents so many lesbian relationships that drag on for years. If only we could learn to say goodbye when that crack first appears. 

When 'No' Is Enough

Out with mates in a local bar and one drink led to another. We moved upstairs where the dance floor was pumping.  A few more hours and a few more drinks and the night is drawing to a close. Only the hard core few are left, and the lights are due on at any moment. 

Fuelled by alcohol and a happy vibe from a great night out with friends, I approach a woman I know chatting at the bar. I’m eager that the night not end and it’s someone I’ve had casual ‘fun and frolics’ with before. 

I interrupt her conversation and get straight to the point, “Do you want to come back with me?”

Her response is rather akin to the ‘sandwich’ method that line managers are taught for dealing out ‘positive feedback’ to their staff. 

“I really like you; I had fun the times we were together. But I’ve realised I don’t want something casual. I want to be either in or out of a relationship, not something that’s neither. ”

She goes on to explain in contradictory terms about how she’s not ready yet, she’s confused and doesn’t really know what she wants, that she really likes me, but we wouldn’t work out.  ‘You want something different to me’ she finishes on. 

I wonder if she’ll remember this conversation the next day and the complete mixed explanation she gave me. The only thing that was clear was that I was going home alone. So I left to lick my wounded pride seeing no reason to stay any longer. 

As I walk home I ponder about how lesbians will always tell you (or you know it) that they are not ready, that they don’t want to rush into something, they’re still getting over their ex or other personal circumstances. But then in the next breath, they rush straight into a relationship with another after the first date, baggage in tow. 

Her parting words of rejection stung, because at some level we all are seeking that special someone with whom to share our lives with.  I’m just honest about where I’m at and therefore unwilling to set expectations otherwise to myself or others in offering commitment.  

The following day I’m having coffee with a couple of my male gay mates laughing and recounting the previous night. I tell my tale of rejection and the conversation that took place subsequently. 

“Wow!” Seb says in surprise. “You lesbians say all that when ‘No’ would be plenty? Is that normal?!”

“Yes”, I replied.

Recently Single: A TimeTo Ditch The Muffin

There’s many times when we make resolutions to ourselves that seem impossible to keep... Too lose weight, give up smoking, join a group, do a course. Invariably though due to a lack of will-power, lack of confidence, external influences, peer pressure, stress and unrealistic goals, we give up and go back to our familiar routine or habit. 

There are specific times when we look to give things up: New Year, Lent, a birthday... and guaranteed when a lesbian relationship has ended.  You can always tell the girls who have just become single - suddenly they’re on fad diets, have joined a gym, started keep-fit classes, are constantly chewing Nicorette gum and talk incessantly about losing weight and getting their tone back. They are on a mission to look and feel good and get their life ‘back in shape’. 

During the course of my last relationship I put on about a stone and a half. My partner was ‘a feeder’; she cared by ensuring I never skipped a meal and ate wholesomely food for each of them.  She was always concerned that I didn’t properly eat when alone, missing meals and living on a diet predominantly of raw food and baked beans (not together I might add!) 

Its funny how as lesbians, when we’re single we want to look good by being our correct ‘height weight BMI’ ratio and will take the steps necessary to do so, but as soon as we enter a relationship we stop caring. We no longer go to the gym or that sports group we did previously, we over eat, we generally are less active preferring cuddles on the couch and weight gain becomes inevitable.  

At a party with mostly women I didn’t know, one of the girls was described quite openly to me during the course of the evening by her friends who were shocked at the negative transformation in her appearance. Apparently she was once really trendy, super-cool and very attractive, but having since partnered up no longer made the effort, her sense of style had diminished as she’d ‘merged’ with the new girl in her life and she’d put on considerable weight.  

I recently separated and people are already commenting that I’ve lost weight, which of course I’m thrilled about and caused totally by my former eating habits returning.  I’ve personally not felt the need to go to extreme lengths in pursuit of restoring happiness and equilibrium that my friends (also nursing broken hearts) are going too.  Then again, fed up with a muffin top as a stark reminder, I have just spontaneously registered to do the Cancer Research 5K ‘Race for Life’ in Brighton come July!

Please sponsor me to gain pounds of a different kind, the sort that actually help women stay healthy. My donation page is here. All pounds gained are gratefully received.

The Eligible Lesbian Bachelorette

A friend of mind tells me she’s been invited to a party of a lesbian that’s super-rich. The sort that owns a global company, a private plane and no worries about needing an overdraft anytime in the near future. 

“Um, I’m not sure about going... it clashes with other things I’ve already arranged”, she tells me.

I tell her that we have to go; other arrangements will have to wait. “If I’m going to be rich, I have to meet a rich lesbian and they are few and far between! This is an opportunity that neither of us can afford to miss.”

Go to any hospital or school and the building’s full of them – lesbians that is – and poor ones. They love the council too, very stable you see.  Risk and lesbian do not go together, unless you’re talking extreme sports, but when our prime motivation is building a nest, we’re looking for security and stability and that means ‘public sector’.  Yes, if you were to poll us, most will be working long hours in the caring state sector professions for a wage that’s not going to put millions in the bank. So the opportunity to meet a party of potentially ‘rich’ lesbians I was not going to pass up, when they are in the minority.

Lesbians generally are not as concerned with the state of someone’s bank account for eligibility. Dogs operate as packs and so do us girls. We date and marry for position within a social circle. Understand this and you understand the courting rituals of gay girls. Just like a wolf pack, within these tight knit groups are women that have earned a rank in a linear hierarchy and within which there is intense loyalty. There’s always an ‘alpha’ couple, a ‘beta’ individual who is the second in command (often the best friend), and the lowest rank is the ‘omega’. This individual is often on the fringe of the group, not always invited to the party.  

If you have been booted out of a friendship circle, you date someone of position within another.  If you are an omega girl, you have ‘sexual relations’ with someone of a higher rank to improve your position. If you’re a party animal, you need to be marrying the alpha girl. 

The lesbian world is an intricate society based on formalities, hierarchies and rituals. To be invited to all the social functions and an eligible bachelorette, what you need is a good position. I look forward to seeing how I get on at the ‘rich girls’ party with an empty wallet and an omega position. As they say, the only way is up – hopefully on both counts!

The Modern Soft Butch - A Biebian?

Last week I watched the latest episode of Glee (series 2, episode 13) where Sam decides that rock and roll in the form of teen singing sensation Justin Bieber will secure the heart of his girlfriend Quinn, who he fears he is losing.  In his transformation as the one man band ‘The Justin Bieber Experience’, he states that ‘hair is step one’. 

Sam goes on to sing ‘Baby’ at the Glee Club, leaving me with the song as a permanent fixture in my head for the remainder of the week, Quinn thinking he’s super cool and Sue Sylvester declaring ‘I’ve got to get that girl on the Cheerios!’

Saturday night at the local dyke bar and I turn to my mates for moral support of the torture I have been suffering. But they point out to me that Bieber fever has inflicted the lesbian community, as they now find themselves sharing the same style trend as an adolescent boy. Biebians surround me sporting that familiar comb over haircut, the trademark of the 17 year old prodigy. 

I return home to Google. I discover it’s a global epidemic effecting the lesbian population. There's a whole website dedicated to Biebians. Who was first I wanted to know. Were lesbians sad enough to be Bieberites?! Or had lesbians set the trend that Bieber followed?

As I research further, it’s clear that lesbians don't have a Justin Bieber haircut. Justin Bieber has a lesbian haircut! Dani Shay, a biebian music artist has even written a song about her mini-me and how she was there first!

Just walking up the high street you now see butch lez girlz zhooshing their hair from shop window reflections to ensure that accuate fringe sweep is in place and perfect.  The diesel dyke style of shaved or short spikey hair has diminished to be replaced by an androgynous modern soft butch.

Unfortunately the outcome for us femmes, is it is now easy to get confused between a sexy dyke and a pubescent boy!

Talk Till Death Do Us Part

Yahoo ‘Lifestyle’ recently posted up an article titled ‘Are you telling your partner a little bit too much?’ I immediately thought that lesbians could learn a thing or two from this. Have you noticed how lesbians will stay up all night talking, talking, talking about their relationship, and I don’t mean to their mate down the pub!

It's no wonder lesbian couples don't go out much and suffer from lesbian bed death; too busy depressing each other with an incessant analysis of their relationship, each other, emotions and feelings.  Every mineute detail covered until you’ve both exhausted yourselves and just want to go to sleep, or it’s escalated into an argument but which neither of you are now completely sure what about.

It drove me crazy in my last relationship. Talking about every intsy winsy thing until, just like matter under a microscope, as you look closer and closer all that’s left is air and a feeling of emptiness and space.  As the article points out, ‘this kind of endless verbosity is so boring and passion-numbing that you risk ending up as friends rather than lovers’. How many lesbian couples do we know that break up because ‘they’ve become friends’.

Even in Sex and the City (Season 4, Episode 5) Samantha experiences the frustration of this with Maria, her girlfriend. She first mentions it in the bath, “All we ever do is lie in the bath and talk about feelings.” Her annoyance grows when they go out and Maria insists on more verbal expression from Samantha, 

Why have you not told these nobody that you are with somebody now?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi, this is my lesbian lover. PS, I'm done with dick?"
Who said anything about dick? - I was talking about our relationship.
Of course you were.
Do you miss the dick? Is that what this is all about? It's OK to tell me. We should talk about this.
More talking?!
OK. I'll talk- How many men have you been with? - How many women have you been with?
Why are we even talking about this?
Why are you so afraid to talk?

Finally Samantha, bored and frustrated with all the talking replacing their once exciting sexual activity has had enough.

 Samantha, I’m with you on this one.